It’s Carlos Mencia’s birthday, and the best we know how to celebrate that is with milquetoast delivery of jokes we stole from funnier websites, except LOUDER! and with more watered-down racism. Then we realized it’s a lot of work being a plagiarist, so we decided to just chart a day in his life.
1. Wake up in a pile of your own filth.
2. Look in the mirror and realize: “Holy $#!+! You’re Carlos Mencia!”
3. Eat as much as you can until you’re unable to lift your head.
4. After that, go volunteer at the library. See if they need anyone to read jokes about Mexicans to the children.
5. Sing the kids a song heckling people for being stupid while telling the absolute most thoughtless jokes to the dumbest people who mistake volume for punchlines. Be sure to use noises that make it sound like you’re making fun of special needs people so when accused of same you can wave away criticisms with the pigheaded self-acclaim that is your hallmark.
6. Get kicked out of the library for making too much noise.
7. Go home to plan your comeback, and… oh! An idea!
8. Hurry back to the library and borrow Bill Cosby’s Himself. Watch it for “inspiration.”
9. Hurry to the nearest liposuction clinic.
10. Launch a comeback using material even less original than the routine you stole in the first place.