A Day in the Life of…Carlos Mencia

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The happiest birthday we can wish Mencia is to wish him some self-awareness to realize why no one respects him.

The happiest birthday we can wish Mencia is to wish him some self-awareness to realize why no one respects him.

jacopo-della-quercia1 Jacopo della Quercia
Jacopo della Quercia is a man of many talents who somehow eluded d...
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by Jacopo della Quercia

It’s Carlos Mencia’s birthday, and the best we know how to celebrate that is with milquetoast delivery of jokes we stole from funnier websites, except LOUDER! and with more watered-down racism. Then we realized it’s a lot of work being a plagiarist, so we decided to just chart a day in his life.

1. Wake up in a pile of your own filth.

i.e., your filmography

i.e., your filmography

2. Look in the mirror and realize: “Holy $#!+! You’re Carlos Mencia!”

No matter how bad your day is, somehow, you will be successful!

No matter how bad your day is, somehow, you will be successful!

3. Eat as much as you can until you’re unable to lift your head.

We aren't showing you photos of skinny Carlos Mencia because Getty gave up taking photos of him three years ago.

We aren’t showing you photos of skinny Carlos Mencia because Getty gave up taking photos of him three years ago.

4. After that, go volunteer at the library. See if they need anyone to read jokes about Mexicans to the children.

It's the one time you can tell other people's jokes without getting criticized for it.

It’s the one time you can tell other people’s jokes without getting accused of stealing them.

5. Sing the kids a song heckling people for being stupid while telling the absolute most thoughtless jokes to the dumbest people who mistake volume for punchlines. Be sure to use noises that make it sound like you’re making fun of special needs people so when accused of same you can wave away criticisms with the pigheaded self-acclaim that is your hallmark.

Seriously, this is your ticket to fame.

Seriously, this is your ticket to fame.

6. Get kicked out of the library for making too much noise.

Make sure to insult the kids and hard-working librarians before you leave, but don't make it funny.

Make sure to insult the kids and hard-working librarians before you leave, but don’t make it funny.

7. Go home to plan your comeback, and… oh! An idea!

Whoa! Is this what they feel like?

Whoa! Is this what they feel like?

8. Hurry back to the library and borrow Bill Cosby’s Himself. Watch it for “inspiration.”

"You know who likes puddin' pops? Kids! That's why they say the darnedest things, with the hibble and the hobble and the bibble and the bobble..."

“You know who likes puddin’ pops? Kids! That’s why they say the darnedest things, with the hibble and the hobble and the bibble and the bobble…”

9. Hurry to the nearest liposuction clinic.

The jokes will sound funnier if people don’t think you’re Carlos Mencia.

The jokes will sound funnier if people don’t think you’re Carlos Mencia.

10. Launch a comeback using material even less original than the routine you stole in the first place.

New Territory? Ha! That is funny!

New Territory? Ha! That is funny!


Where's Jimmy?

Where’s Jimmy?

Jacopo della Quercia is a man of many talents who somehow eluded death in 1438. He can regularly be found at Cracked and on Twitter @Jacopo_della_Q

Not sure if that's a villainous deathtrap or a swinging '60s afterparty. (20th Century Fox)

Not sure if that’s a villainous deathtrap or a swinging ’60s afterparty. (20th Century Fox)

Jacopo chronicled This Badass Day in History: July 30 and exposed A Day in the Life of…Robin.

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