5 Really Weird Search Terms You Used

by Brendan McGinley

Another day, another dark desire you can never tell your loved ones about. Where do you turn? To EroticMassagefromBees.com, obviously. But sometimes the by turns gentle and stinging touch of a swarm of bees on a man’s hips cannot sate his need for more. And that is when he Googles questions he dare not ask anyone else. Google brings him to us, because we pay them $5 to cut us in on the action before you get to The Chive or Holy Taco. And then we expose his perverse ignorance for all the world to laugh at. It is cruel, but it is necessary, according to The Lion King. Enjoy!

getting your wife in the mood

You’ve tried everything: kissing her, caressing her lightly, caressing her darkly, offering to give her a “back rub” that quickly delves into erogenous zones like the armpit or the ear or the lymph nodes. Good heaven, the lymph nodes! You’ve gone too far! Pull back!

You’ve even tried sexy talk, like whispering how much you aren’t attracted to her sister, and graphically describing how you’ll fix the cupboard shelf tomorrow. But nothing works. It seems you’re doomed to drift again once away to dreamland while thinking of your 10th grade chemistry teacher, Mrs. Basalbrane. Now  you’re depressed and no longer in the mood and existential, all while staring at the ceiling suffering your newfound insomnia. This will probably kill you 10 years early and make those years no fun at all. Probably led to:

AFP/Getty Images

Pictured: Your wife?! You lucky devil.

FEAR NO MORE! We compiled Top 5 Songs To Put Your Wife In The Mood, in which the soulful sounds of the ’60s and ’70s ply their heavy bass to turn bedtime into kitchen countertime. Or showertime. Or the garden, if you’re freaky like that and the neighbors can’t see. Or maybe the missus likes it if they can…? We don’t know your predilections. We just know this article features a very, very attractive woman in her underwear, and we don’t ask questions.

how to hide taste of alcohol

Why are you doing that? What are you, 15? If you don’t like the taste of alcohol, drink different alcohol. Or simply don’t drink to attain an altered state. Those of us who slug whiskey and sling beer do so for the love of firewater. You’re either not ready for those, or you’re trying to spike the punch at prom. In which case, you want to make a Long Island iced tea or a Chocolate Cake shot–but it’s considered poor form, not to mention highly illegal, to slip people drugs against their will. And again, the youth shouldn’t be drinking.

Probably led to:
Cheap booze and fine women, that's our secret to happiness

Cheap booze and fine women, that’s our secret to happiness

Now if you’re looking for Five Essential Mixers (to Mask Cheap Booze), we can fix that for you, strictly to cover up how cheap your drinking habits are.

how can u make out a hipster panty from others

How can…

How can you…

…what? I dated a gal in Williamsburg for 2+ years, and I never saw a hipster panty, let alone enough to create second-generation panty-devices. Or are you trying to make out with a hipster, comma, panty from others? Perhaps you are trying to take it slow with your hipster while still scoring trophies elsewhere? You need to think about what you want in life.

Probably led to:
You're reading this caption in his voice, aren't you?

You’re reading this caption in his voice, aren’t you?

The 3 Types of Celebrity Political Endorsements, for some reason. The Hipster Party, not panty, briefly flourished from its headquarters in Portland, OR back in 2003, but by 2005, it had become a national movement, and immediately failed as its entire body politic quit in disgust, saying it had “sold out,” and was “no longer the cool thing it used to be.” Every single member enrolled claimed to have been one of the founding members.

queen of illuminati

The Illuminati are a secret sect, founded in 1776 and blah blah conspiracy theory, founding of America. But for some reason, it has lately become a huge obsession of the hip-hop community, in varying degrees of sincerity. To many, it’s a running joke, but to a few it’s a peek behind the curtain. To the bulk in the middle, it’s a fun bit of chilling folklore.

Probably led to:
The "theory" part remains debatable. ...okay, that's a lie.

Who doesn’t love a good conspiracy?

Our article about historical hijinx on This Badass Day in History: June 20, when the seal of the republic was adopted, launching decades of Illumanti conspiracy theory, and Queen Victoria ascended to the throne. But if you were curious, the queen of the Illuminati is Liz Katz. Weird, right?

Awful puns like this are why we're forever alone.

She’s been a slave, a princess, a queen…

Er…sorry, turns out she’s the queen of cosplay, not conspiracy. Man Cave Daily regrets the error.

guy or girl pays for “musical tickets”

First off, we know the guy in the relationship looked this up, because “musical tickets” are in quotes, indicating not that Google is too stupid to recognize that as a phrase, but that he doesn’t consider a musical a real experience, and thus, that the tickets are more like silly little achievement certificates. This is a very interesting question, because tradition says the man pays. This is known as chivalry, which stems from a French word meaning “goat cheese and also treating women nice because the world is cruel enough to them.”

The more modern and equitable take says a couple either splits their costs or whoever invited the other one out pays. Which is fine for dinner, drinks & Die Hard, because you should never date a woman who doesn’t want to see Die Hard. But this is a question of musical tickets, which means this couple is going to the theater because she wants to see America’s most talented people perform America’s most insubstantial entertainment. And since he didn’t tell her to have fun with her friends, this is obviously a caring, thoughtful, loving boyfriend — or at least a bro two or three dates into a burgeoning relationship who thinks, surely, South Park wouldn’t steer him wrong.

People don't want songs about life in the Dickensian era; they want Liu Wen in lingerie. What is wrong with you, Broadway? Give the people what they want!

People don’t want songs about life in the Dickensian era; they want Liu Wen in lingerie. What is wrong with you, Broadway? Give the people what they want! Like this! This is–hold up, are those hipster panties? Is that what those are?!?

In either case, he cares enough to attend a musical. I once sat through half of The Mystery of Edwin Drood for a lady who was totally worth it–but only because at intermission she said “This is the silliest thing I have ever seen. I won’t make you put up with any more.” Then we left and watched zombie movies instead while eating Chinese food. She was a keeper, unlike that musical, which tried to crowdsource its ending. You know who paid? NOBODY, because you shouldn’t go to any show that panders to the audience that much unless you know someone who can get you free tickets.

So the answer to your question is neither party pays, unless you’re attending The Book of Mormon, which was written by the creators of South Park. Then you split the cost, because good lord, there are used cars that cost less than two tickets to that show.

You see, Broadway? All you have to do is stop making silly crap like choose-your-own-adventure Victorian opium fugues, and every show on Broadway could be as successful as the The Book of Mormon

Probably led to:
"Yeah, he got me a gift. No, it's just lawn trimmings. Yeah, he's sitting right here."

“Yeah, he got me a gift. No, it’s just lawn trimmings. Yeah, he’s sitting right here.”

Impress a Woman Without Going Broke (or Looking Cheap), by Man Cave’s resident advice-giver,  The Frugal Model. She won’t teach you how to be a cheap date, but she will show you how to get the most bang for your buck.

Just remember that any guy with cash to spare can drop dollars on a dame, but if she’s anything like that gal I took to Edwin Drood, all she’ll really remember about you is that you treat her with respect, kindness, and consideration. Getting Chinese food isn’t a bad idea either.

You're probably here because you can spell Magdalena Frackowiak but misspell "naked."

You’re probably here because you can spell “Magdalena Frackowiak” but misspell “naked.”

Brendan McGinley is editor round these parts when not writing comics or Cracked columns. You can say a neighborly hello to him on Twitter @BrendanMcGinley.

miranda kerr victorias secret angels not naked or nude but wearing lingerie and hey thats pretty neat right getty 5 Really Weird Search Terms You Used

Most of our visitors are looking for Miranda Kerr, but we don’t have an article about her, just great pictures like this one. Miranda–call us! We’ll do an interview after our date.

Go deeper down the rabbit hole with 5 Weird Search Terms You Used to Get Here and 5 More Weird Search Terms You Used Recently.

More from Brendan McGinley

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