The Pickup Artist’s Guide to Monsters

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Dudebro, how bad do you want to break off a piece of th--AH GOD A PIECE OF HER BROKE OFF!!

Dudebro, how bad do you want to break off a piece of th–AH GOD A PIECE OF HER BROKE OFF!!

biosize Steve Wetherell
Steve Wetherell, sometimes known as Steve Stevenson for tax purposes,...
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by Steve Stevenson

Have you slept with all of the women yet? Of course you have, Broseph, you’re part casanova and part Pokemon trainer. Gotta @£$% ‘em all, right? But what happens when you run out of women? What’s a bro to do? Find a nice girl and settle down? Sit alone and stare into the vast vacuous echo chamber of his soul until he drowns in his own tears? Heck, no! You may have slept with every single type of regular lady, but what about the monsters?

You heard me.

Thanks to some weird trends in chick-lit and movies of questionable quality, it’s considered very au-trend for a lady to get her sex on with the very creatures of darkness we used to feed a burning torch and pitchfork combo to not so long ago. These days we can’t be surprised if we see a woman bring a sparkly vampire or emotionally supportive zombie to the dance. I’m afraid that’s just progress for you. But why should the girls have all the fun when there are plenty of sexy lady monsters out there just waiting for you to hit on them?

Go forth, you brave walking penis, for you have yet to try your terrible pickup lines on…

The Gorgon

We're giving the Gorgon a beergoggle rating of 8.5.

We’re giving the Gorgon a beergoggle rating of 8.5.

Half lady and half snake. Just like every other broad in town, right fellas? Haha, we don’t trust women! The Gorgon is known for two things–having hair made of living snakes, and being super ugly. I guess, now that I think about it, that’s really only two parts of the same thing. She ain’t a looker is what I’m saying.

DO…

  • Draw attention away from her awful ugliness by taking her out to bars with low lighting. If you’re planning on getting in close then you’ll need to distract her hair, in which case a pocket full of live mice is your best friend.

DON’T…

  • Meet the Gorgon’s gaze. It’s rumored to turn men into stone, so unless you plan on becoming a particularly handsome statue, then I suggest you spend the whole evening looking at her boobs. Ha! I guess I didn’t have to tell you that, you dog, you! Give me all the high fives! All of them!

The She-Wolf

It took her three hours just to get to her face...

It took her three hours just to get to her face…

Werewolf women are surprisingly self-confident for people with such obvious waxing issues, which means your usual pickup technique of subtly putting her down with remarks about her physical appearance won’t work. Not to say you shouldn’t do it anyway, because by now this is the only way you know how to talk to women anymore. She just won’t be bothered much by it, is all. Seriously, have you seen her eyebrow? If she was that bothered by how she looks she’d invest in some tweezers.

DO…

  • Take her for a nice walk around the park, maybe throw a stick or two.
  • Hide a small pouch full of bacon under your cap. She won’t take her eyes off you.

DON’T…

  • See her on a full moon. Every lady has that special time of the month when she gets a little tetchy, but werewolves can be a real bitch. I mean a literal real bitch, as in she’ll turn into a dog and eat your throat.

The Vampiress

You can tell she's European by how much she smokes. Also the blood thing.

You can tell she’s European by how much she smokes. Also the blood thing.

This maiden of terror is pale from the shadows of millennia, her eyes dark with the secrets of years, her lips red with stolen life, and her rack… she has a nice rack.

Vampiresses…es…tend to be European, so don’t be surprised is she’s a little frosty to begin with. She doubtless comes from old money, so you might want to splash out and buy her two jaeger bombs. If she starts staring at your neck a lot, don’t take this as a sign that she wants to make out. She wants to drink you. I know that sounds sexy but that’s not how I meant it.

DO…

  • Avoid italian food.
  • Take her down a peg. Most vampire ladies are smoking hot, and have a superiority complex that it is your duty as bromale to destroy… so that she likes you better! Fortunately, vampires don’t have reflections, so if you tell her that her eyes are too far apart then she’ll have to take your word for it. Good bye self-esteem…hello regrettable sex!

DON’T…

  • Let her drink you. I cannot stress that enough.

Bride of Frankenstein

Now that's a sexy monster.

Now that’s a sexy monster.

There’s something about that “pulled back from the black abyss of death and forced into a body that is an affront to nature itself” look in a chic’s eye that can really get a guy going. Frankenstein’s bride is in an emotionally vulnerable place right now, and by “emotionally vulnerable ” I mean, of course, “Ready for Sexy”.

DO…

  • Keep her away from electrical outlets.
  • Be prepared to listen to her problems– get ready for a lot of talk about loneliness and “we belong dead” and “fire bad!” (oh yeah, try not to smoke). Once she’s done running her mouth, you’ll be there to pick up the pieces.
  • Make sure you don’t tell her you’re there to pick up the pieces, because she will freak out. There are… issues there.

DON’T…

  • Go anywhere near her. Dude, have you seen her husband? Yikes.

ash battles a zombie with a chainsaw while a woman cowers behind him

Bruce Campbell can kill us with a chainsaw any day. It would be an honor.

Steve Stevenson would like to formally apologize for being mean and sexist about monsters. Not to regular women, though. Why not call him a jerk on twitter? Then check him out at DeadPixel publications.

"Guys, you can play when I die, I told you!"

“Guys, you can play when I die, I told you!”

For more halloween shenanigans, check out Steve’s Chainsaw Party! Where everybody’s invited! To die! By chainsaw! And if you survive that, shiver at 5 Terrifying Moments from Video Game History.

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