5 Spooky Search Terms You Used Recently

BOOOOOO! Did we scare you? No? Then congratulations on being at least partially sane on this Halloween. But for many people, today is not a time to be healthy and rational. Today is a time to let the internet reach into the darkest corners of your soul and kiss whatever monsters it finds there.  The only evidence we have of them are the bizarre and often dire search terms that brought to them this site, where they found the evil they were looking for…and were never heard from again. Oooooh, spooky except not really.

destroy the devil in the mind brain

Ha! We can use this photo as facetiously as we want because it's a CBS show.

Ha! We can use this photo as facetiously as we want because it’s a CBS show.

Right out of the gate, we’ve got a round-trip ticket on the crazy train. This devil: is it physically within the brain? Or is it more of a mental possession of the mind? Because the answer is going to drastically affect the treatment you receive. Or is it “the mind brain,” that mysterious realm of thought that exists below our dimension? You probably know it as the Twilight Zone.

Probably led to:
Unlike the sex, the dame was unforgettable

Unlike the sex, the dame was unforgettable.

All roads at Man Cave lead to Five Bizarre Effects Sex Has on The Brain, in which amnesia, depression, mental shutdown, and brain growth all await the folks lucky enough to copulate but not lucky enough to get their rocks off without mental problems. Look at it this way: sex is cheaper than drinking, and the hangover’s much less painful. Unless you get pregnant and suffer depression. Then…cripes, you should have gone out drinking.

pictures of alive people whose faces have been ripped off

The internet is full of gruesome pictures of people with their bodies rent asunder. Why Man Cave Daily should float to the top of resources for such things, despite not having any pics, is a bafflement. Similar searches include:

  • can you rip off limbs with your bare hands?
  • rip an arm clean off
  • breasts ripped off
  • man with penis torn off

and the ever-classic:

  • rip penis off war

Some things should be banned by the Geneva Convention, and playing yank the crank is one of them. If the enemy’s close enough to give you a traumatic castration, he’s close enough for you to realize you’re both 300 characters.

Probably led to:
That is...just...the worst thing

We used pictures of dolls to make the content less disturbing. It had the opposite effect.

5 Insane Stories about Ripped-Off Body Parts, which is exactly what it sounds like, but we can tell you we never tried to find the tale of these grisly crimes you seek. But that’s just us, because we’re not psychos. You might find an article full of terrifying tales represented by dismembered dolls to be just the thing.

pregnant sex doll

Look, you can either be so alone you invest thousands in a lifelike sex doll, or you can be specifically into pregnant women, but you can’t be both, because this is the 21st century, and there has to be a dating website for pregnant single women who don’t mind being fetishized by a complete stranger. We just found five right now by typing “pregnant dating site” into Google. OKCupid even lists it as an interest.

…goodness, what if that pregnant Real Doll has a lifelike fetus inside it? Like, a complete, perfect replica that no one will ever see, because the designers are that committed to verisimilitude? Yo! We found your horrifying thought for Halloween this year.

Probably led to:
Unliving things really shouldn't be able to judge you

Unliving things really shouldn’t be able to judge you.

The 4 Craziest Things People Do With Sex Dolls, and guess what? Knocking them up, or trying to get with one that’s already pregnant isn’t even on the list! But filming pornography, using them as rafts, murdering them, and…reviewing electronics(?) are. So you carry on with your harmless fake-pregnant-doll-#^@&ing, buddy. You’re not doing anybody any wrong.

how to make an robot suit

Not to be pedantic but it’s “a robot suit,” ya wackadoo.

This one’s not scary, but it’s entirely Halloween-appropriate, as thousands of people realize they’re due at a party with no better costume than last year’s cop outfit plus their current mustache to become that evil corrections officer from Orange is the New Black.

The solution, of course, is boxes! And now you’re a robot. Unless you’re a lady who insists that every Halloween costume be sexy, you’re going to want to become a robot (Heck, most days of the year, we all wish we were robots. Getting all our work done efficiently, never having to feel emotion…yeah, that’d be the life.). And if you are that girl, you should know that you’ll impress way more dudes by making a kick-ass costume and rocking Halloween. it’s the one day of the year that Heidi Klum is sexier with all her skin removed than regular ol’ naked. You know why? No, not because you came here by googling body parts ripped off; because she stepped up to the holiday and OWNED IT.

Probably led to:
Does the adorable pilot come standard?

Does the adorable pilot come standard?

4 Real-Life Robot Suits You Won’t Believe Exist, which includes both mecha and your more basic exoskeleton. Some of them are actually pretty cool and helpful to humanity, like the powersuit that turns everyone into a superhero, or the mobility suit that will allow paraplegics to climb mountains easier.

names for halloween cocktails with pineapple

That’s…oddly specific. Okay, let’s give it a go. Perhaps a “Piña Coldtouchofdeathada”? Or a Bahama Mama, but the Mama is the Mama from the movie Mama? It’s not like you can wring a ton of evil out of pineapples. They’re one of nature’s most hilarious fruits, and delicious besides. Plus, a pineapple’s really cute, with those wacky fronds and the cross-hatched complexion. You’re probably on your own here.

Probably led to:

Zombie zombie zombie!

killercocktails 6 MORE Horrifying Halloween Cocktails

The skull bottle is essential.

6 MORE Horrifying Halloween Cocktails, which is not to be confused with Four Killer Cocktails for Halloween. For some reason the latter comes up first, even though it’s not even the original article about pineapple Halloween cocktails on our site. What’s weirder–that we have two of those, or that you’re Googling them? Alright, now you’ve been good — enjoy your treat: Behati Prinsloo in a sexy witch costume:

Lucky broomstick.

Lucky broomstick.

You're probably here because you can spell Magdalena Frackowiak but misspell "naked."

You’re probably here because you can spell “Magdalena Frackowiak” but misspell “naked.”

Brendan McGinley is editor round these parts when not writing comics or Cracked columns. You can say a neighborly hello to him on Twitter @BrendanMcGinley.

miranda kerr victorias secret angels not naked or nude but wearing lingerie and hey thats pretty neat right getty 5 Spooky Search Terms You Used Recently

Most of our visitors are looking for Miranda Kerr, but we don’t have an article about her, just great pictures like this one. Miranda–call us! We’ll do an interview after our date.

Go deeper down the rabbit hole with 5 Weird Search Terms You Used to Get Here and 5 More Weird Search Terms You Used Recently.

More from Brendan McGinley

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