A Fraternity’s Guide to Demonic Summoning

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"Always! Welcome to college, brocifer!"

“Always! Welcome to college, brocifer!”

DogBadge Writers Ross C. Hardy!
Ross is a freelance writer and not-so-freelance barista operating out...
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by Ross C. Hardy

It’s that time of year again. The leaves are changing, football is on TV, and Theta Eta Beta is hosting its annual Halloween bash. But things are going to be different this year. Some of our pledges have been doing some reading into nameless baleful texts, and have some suggestions on how to make the atmosphere around the fraternity house more conducive to both sick partying and encroachment into this plane from the blasphemous realms. So instead of the “Sexy Costume Contest” and the half-dozen or so liters of warm Mountain Dew, we’re going to be invoking X’tl’tl’tl’tl’tl, the God Eater, the Void Reaper, the Mouth of Gibbering Madness, the Festering Rot-Pig. The pledges have put together some spoooooky notes on how to make the party more epic. Read on, and don’t forget: the most important thing is to have fun!*

*Having fun is not the most important thing. Terror is all that matters.

The Soundtrack

While it may be a classic, the Exorcist theme (“Tubular Bells,” if you’re nasty) is far too cliché at this point. And while some might swear by spooky ambient effects (doors creaking, water dripping from rusty pipes, people screaming as their faces are melted by otherworldly interlopers), your party has to have rhythm, and the easiest way to do that is with music. While it might be easy to throw Marilyn Manson or Aphex Twin, pleasing X’tl’tl’tl’tl’tl will require slightly more effort. Consider truly demonic music: Juno Reactor is good to get people in the mood, and Judas Priest is an ironclad choice for traditionalists (and misinformed parental groups—2 Live Crew is also an acceptable option), but for pure infernal power, you can’t beat Hall & Oates.

Thank heaven for devils such as these.

Thank heaven for devils such as these.

A DJ is always a solid investment, provided he has the proper credentials. You want to make sure that he is A) skilled enough to transition seamlessly from song to song and B) is not so skittish that he will bolt at the first sign of infernal encroachment. That kind of loyalty is hard to find these days, so don’t be discouraged if you’re stuck with the iPod dock and the “Shuffle” feature all night. After all, iPods, despite their numerous design flaws, will not flee the wrath of extradimensional deities.

The Activities

What we’re shooting for here is making the Theta Eta Beta house party the attractive, classy alternative to other parties on campus. That means no more keg stand competitions with the Sigma Omegas. And I know that egging faculty cars is a TEB tradition, but it stops this year. I know you all are disappointed, but once you see the goat, you’ll never want to go back to petty vandalism again. It won’t be enough.

Speaking of the goat—seeing as it’s the star of the show, as it were, you want to make sure it’s well cared for in the days leading up to the party. How I Met Your Mother, for all of its inaccurate portrayals of love and friendship, got one thing right: don’t leave a goat unattended. It can, and will, eat everything, and a goat with a troublesome digestive system isn’t going to be a cooperative goat. And trust me, you want a cooperative goat. Nothing gets campus police knocking on doors quicker than the terror-bleating of a half-sacrificed goat.

The incantations can be tricky, and that’s a problem, because they’re among the most important elements to a successful party/summoning circle. Take some time to write out phonetic spellings for the participants on index cards. It might take a while, but the payoff will be worth it!

Remember: Everyone loves Cornhole! Be sure to set up a few games on the back porch!

The Guests

X’tl’tl’tl’tl’tl is notorious for his traditional associations with masculinity and sexuality, so the optimum chick-to-dude ratio is going to be about 70/30. It isn’t necessary for any of them to be virgins, but I’m willing to bet there’ll be a couple, so that can’t hurt.

Try and make sure none of your guests have any connection to demon-slaying bloodlines. The Catholic church’s stance on celibacy means there probably won’t be very many descendants of saints at your party, but you have to be careful that nobody had a grandparent who used to exorcise demons. Anybody in the family who goes on “ghost hunts” is probably fine, though.

The Spread

"Guess what your mother does in hell? Go on, GUESS!"

“Guess what your mother does in hell? Go on, GUESS!”

One thing you don’t need to worry about with X’tl’tl’tl’tl’tl is refreshments. The Black Beast prefers to snack on the bleak despair that leaks out of dying stars, but in a pinch, he loves a good plate of Bagel Bites. One thing you don’t want to do is ignore substantial food. A good way to avoid this is to contact a local restaurant and inquire about catering. Most will be happy for the business, and will easily provide plenty of food. You do want to stay away from Chik-Fil-A, though.

Chips and pretzels are traditional party snacks for a reason: they’re cheap, which makes them plentiful, and they’re salty, which makes your guests drink more. Make sure you have plenty of punch handy. It is considered polite to indicate which of the punchbowls has been spiked and which one has been roofied.

If time and budget permits, go all-out on good presentation. Invest in an artfully-decorated six-foot sub sandwich, for example, or a chocolate fondue fountain. Ice sculptures are nice in theory, but the flame which will accompany X’tl’tl’tl’tl’tl’s arrival will make enough of a mess already without having to worry about water damage.

It’s counterintuitive, but don’t go for the pig roast. Sure, everyone on Earth likes barbeque, but X’tl’tl’tl’tl’tl is not from Earth. They call him the Festering Rot-Pig for a reason, after all, and he gets offended very easily.

If you take advantage of all of these pointers, nothing will stop you from throwing the biggest party in the university’s history! Also, the biggest party in the history of everything, because once X’tl’tl’tl’tl’tl shows up, all will end in flame.


(Photo courtesy KT Nichols)

They’re a band.

Ross Hardy talks about comics, whiskey, and Dungeons & Dragons on his blog, www.atomic-sleepwalker.com.

Cheap booze and fine women, that's our secret to happiness

Cheap booze and fine women, that’s our secret to happiness.

Ross interviewed The Devil Herself and had sympathy for evil spirits in Five Essential Mixers (to Mask Cheap Booze).

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