5 Really Weird Search Terms You Used Recently

Once again, we cast our lines into the teeming desire for knowledge that is the internet, and pull up some wriggling salmon that you call search queries. Here are the unusual terms that brought you to Man Cave, shared with your brothers for the betterment of mankind.

gene simmons tongue length inches

Now here’s something funny — earlier on the day of this writing, no lie, Gene Simmons stopped us in the hallway to talk about The Howard Stern Show, even though we neither listen to Howard Stern nor have ever met Gene Simmons prior to today. We did not ask him to stick out his tongue, but even if we had, a true measurement would be difficult to come by. Are we measuring from the base or protrusion past the teeth?

Probably led to:

simmons1 5 Really Weird Search Terms You Used Recently

He can scarcely encounter a neck without licking it.

The Top 5 Things Gene Simmons Has Touched with His Tongue, and your mom may be one of them, especially if she was an excitable youth in the Midwest during the ’70s and ’80s.

i just ate two burgers

Ah, every man remembers the first time he ate two burgers. It is indeed a glorious moment of passage from boy to voracious teen who would eat the table if it had barbecue sauce on it. It is a far more significant rite of passage than the first time you have sex or beat up your dad, and with much weightier consequences than beating up your girlfriend’s dad the first time he caught you having sex. Basically, every object in a man’s world, whether animate or not, is defined by these parameters:

  • Will it hit me harder than I can hit it?
  • Can it be eaten on a burger?
  • Will it have sex with me if I ask politely? 
Probably led to:
 5 Really Weird Search Terms You Used Recently

You can’t win when your opponent is yourself.

A Complete Idiot’s First Eating Challenge. Our writer tried to tackle a hefty table setting and found the girth of his gut wanting for the task. On the plus side, enough burger was left for him to make love to, and he beat up four dads on his escape from the restaurant and out into the parking lot. So we mark him a man worthy of our respect this day…and every day. For he has eaten of the two burgers and declared himself one of our ranks.

do men prefer fake boobs

To answer your question, men and their tastes are as varied as the boobs you consider reshaping. Some men prefer fake boobs. Many do not. Of those who do, some prefer larger breasts regardless of how they got that way, whereas a minority objectify the implant itself. Based on our extensive survey of locker room chatter, you will probably find more guys are happier with a natural A cup than an artificial D. And still more men don’t really care either way. The bulk of guys are happy with the presence of boobs, devoid of any delimiting adjectives.

But to answer your implied query of which is more attractive–all of that is irrelevant to what you prefer for your boobs, since it’s your body, and you shouldn’t let others’ opinion of it dictate what you do to it. We can tell you that far sexier than a boob of any size, shape or simulation is a woman’s confidence and self-esteem. For that is a woman who is not only nice to look at (which is shallow) but to spend time with (which is great!). And you shouldn’t want to impress guys who only notice you for your boobs. You should want to impress the guys who care about the woman those boobs are attached to.

If you’re not happy with yourself now, you should focus on that before you make any costly surgical changes to your appearance. There is much more to your person than a single body part, and you shouldn’t let anybody reduce you to one. Because if you’re happy with yourself and you just want to look a certain way, you’ll be pretty happy whether or not you do. But if you put all your self-worth on something as irrelevant as what other people think of you, especially based on some physical characteristics, well…you risk going through all those major changes and still not being happy with yourself.

Too Long; Didn’t Read synopsis: Who cares? Do what you want and don’t let other people tell you how you should look.

Probably led to:

Alright, fellas, now YOU try having weights strapped to your chest.

One thing nobody can argue is the efficacy of implant armor in these Five Instances When Fake Breasts Saved Lives. From car crashes to stab attacks to a–holy areola!–floating heart just wafting around in the thoracic cavity there like some kind of free-wheeling hippie, these implants were their bearers’ benefactors–or maybe benefactrices would be more appropriate. Regardless, thanks for saving lives, you boobs!

Brony Cosplay Steampunk

Bronies, if you’re new to the internet, are proud adult male fans of My Little Pony — sometimes platonically, but often with a crush on a fictional Pegasus. Half the internet loves them because they’re harmless comedy gold, and the other half loves them because it’s furries who are just relieved someone else is taking the brunt of the web’s schoolyard mockery.

So now you have to ask yourself, what’s next? How do I get closer to my one true love, the pastel-colored unicorn? By playing one, obviously, in a My Little Pony costume. And we get that, we do. What we don’t get is how you’re going to make a horse costume steampunk. Like, suddenly the flying pastel horse is also wearing a corset, a monocle, suspenders, and wielding a blunderbuss? You’re already pretending to be a cartoon pony, there’s no need to be a cartoon pony set in an out-of-context alternate timeline set in a technologically advanced Victorian England.

Probably led to:
Whoa...we had this exact dream last night

The only wings we’re attracted to belong to She-Thor’s helmet, which…actually isn’t much more dignified than enjoying a little girls’ cartoon.

The 5 Hottest Trends of 2012’s Summer Fan Conventions, in which Blake Northcott breaks down the hottest trends, including steampunk, cosplay, and bronies. So, yeah, that search was right up our artists’ alley.

batman at his best

This is a redundant query, and we expect Google simplified your search to “Batman.” The Dark Knight is, by definition, always at his best. If he were ever at less than his best, he’d be Daredevil or Moon Knight or Azrael, or some other spandex crusader who lets their personal demons get the best of them. You know what Batman calls nightmares? ENERGY BOOSTERS. Adversity is to Bruce Wayne what a glowing star is to Mario.

Probably led to:

The WWII-era Batman film had better production values than most modern Batman porn spoofs.

Now of course, no man can ever truly achieve the physical and mental perfection embodied by the world’s greatest detective, so in the hyperbola of manliness that is Batman, we must ask which actor is graphed closest to the point at which its X axis (representing an inability to lose) reaches infinity. And don’t go there telling us we misrepresented hyperboloids there; we know that, because we’re not smart like Batman. But you know who is? At least one candidate in our answer to the question, Which of These Nine Men Played Batman Best?

You're probably here because you can spell Magdalena Frackowiak but misspell "naked."

You’re probably here because you can spell “Magdalena Frackowiak” but misspell “naked.”

Brendan McGinley is editor round these parts when not writing comics or Cracked columns. You can say a neighborly hello to him on Twitter @BrendanMcGinley.

miranda kerr victorias secret angels not naked or nude but wearing lingerie and hey thats pretty neat right getty 5 Really Weird Search Terms You Used Recently

Most of our visitors are looking for Miranda Kerr, but we don’t have an article about her, just great pictures like this one. Miranda–call us! We’ll do an interview after our date.

Go deeper down the rabbit hole with 5 Weird Search Terms You Used to Get Here and 5 More Weird Search Terms You Used Recently.

More from Brendan McGinley

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