The Worst Job Vacancies in Video Games

We’ve talked before about how a work-a-day existence in a video game world might not be as glamorous as you’d think, but in these tough economic times not all of us can afford to be choosy. So the next time you find yourself pulling a Captain N, watch out for the following classifieds:

Position: Space Marine

Company: Interplanetary Security INC.
Salary: Negotiable depending on experience

Despite the fact that weapons technology has advanced to the point where all our wars can be fought with remote-controlled nuclear drones, we are still looking for troopers to march fearlessly into enemy territory, hostile alien environments, and even Hell itself.

Ideal candidates will have at least 200 pounds of superfluous muscle and have little to no communication skills.

As a space marine you will be part of a grand military tradition, standing shoulder to shoulder with the finest young men and women the United Planets of America has to offer. However, for reasons ill-defined at best you will spend most of your combat missions entirely by yourself.

Your basic training will see that you have access to the finest equipment and state-of-the-art weaponry, but, due to budget restrictions, we expect most of our recruits to go into battle armed only with a laughably underpowered side arm and their bare fists.

Be all you can be!

"Let me hear your battle cry, soldier!" "..." "That's the spirit!"

“Let me hear your battle cry, soldier!”
“That’s the spirit!”

Position: Non-specific Scientist

Company: Inadvisably Applied Sciences Inc.
Salary: Negotiable Depending on Experience

Due to the high demand for inadvisably applied scientific endeavor, we are looking for qualified candidates to oversee one of our many doomed laboratory installations. From controversial military satellites to tampering with the fabric of reality, IAS leads the way in meddling with affairs that will undoubtably end in world-shaking catastrophe.

As a non-specific scientist, your duties will include wearing a white coat, standing around looking clever, and turning into a useless shambling wreck whenever your work area is inevitably overrun by soldiers/demons/aliens. Extra duties will include activating the facility’s self-destruct button at inconvenient times, providing target practice for frustrated secret agents and generally getting in the way.

Looks like his PHD in "Hiding in the Corner and Weeping" has finally paid off.

Looks like his PHD in “Hiding in the Corner and Weeping” has finally paid off.

Position: Potter

Company: Hyrule Pottery Warehouse
Salary: Minimum Wage

Due to the high demands of our Hyrule municipal contracts, we are looking to take on low skilled laborers to work in the pot manufacturing department of our pot manufacturing business. Candidates will be responsible for the seemingly endless mass production of Hyrule’s famous identical pots, which, due to targeted vandalism by total bastards, are in constant demand.

The rate of pay is basic, but there’s plenty of opportunity for overtime as we never, ever stop making pots.

As part of your employment agreement, should you bump into a little mute kid dressed in green, you will be contractually obligated to punch him in the face.

"Hey boss, maybe if we stopped hiding money in these things people wouldn't break them all the time? What do you mean, clear my desk?"

“Hey boss, maybe if we stopped hiding money in these things people wouldn’t break them all the time? What do you mean, clear my desk?”

Position: B-squad Support Operative

Company: Raccoon City Security Solutions
Salary: Negotiable

Situation vacant! We are looking for men and women with not much to live for to join the support devision of our elite special forces units. As a member of B-squad, you will be tasked with investigating sinister goings on in secluded areas. Once you have identified the nature of the threats, you will be expected to die with relatively little resistance.

As part of your duties, you will be expected to leave small clues as to what it was that killed you, in order that our A-squad security members can better assess the tactical situation. Clues can be anything from the teeth marks in your face, to cryptic messages scrawled in your own blood.

You will be issued with high-end equipment and supplies on the proviso that you make no attempt to actually use them, so that they remain in perfect working order when A-squad members pry them from your cold, dead hands.

Pay rates start at a low level, but our pension plan is top notch.*

*You will not live to enjoy the pension plan.
"Guess what, ma? I'm gonna be a video game hero! They ship us out to the abandoned slaughterhouse tonight!"

“Guess what, ma? I’m gonna be a video game hero! They ship us out to the abandoned slaughterhouse tonight!”

Position: General Henchman

Company: Global Terror Solutions
Salary: Competitive

Do you have an ambiguous approach to traditional concepts of good and evil? Do you like automatic weapons and underground lairs? Do you look good in khaki? If so, you might want to consider a career as a general henchman.

GTS offer contracts to all types of evil organizations, and we pride ourselves on the quality of the faceless, self-sacrificing cannon fodder we supply.

As a henchman, you will be able to patrol the same repetitive pattern for several hours without a break, shooting without hesitation anybody not dressed in a similar uniform to yours. You will be given a limited area of responsibility, and anything that happens outside of that area is absolutely no concern of yours.

Ideal candidates will be short of sight, hard of hearing and be incapable of generating new memories.

While we certainly condone you shooting anything that looks remotely suspicious (within your assigned area of responsibility), our customers specifically ask that you do not shoot any corporate property up to and including and especially boxes. Even if said boxes appear to be breathing.

Don’t delay– sign on for our henchman contracting services today! Could you be the man who finally kills the interfering infidel? Probably not!

"Control, I've got a cardboard box that appears to be laughing at me, please advise."

“Control, I’ve got a cardboard box that appears to be laughing at me, please advise.”

Position: Animal Wrangler / General Assistant

Company: Pallet Town Animal Shelter
Salary: Minimum Wage

Do you love animals? Even freakish mutant animals? The Pallet Town Animal Shelter might have the right job for you.

Every year, thousands of animals are captured, forced to fight one another, and then left abandoned– often confused and gravely injured, and sometimes even trapped within tiny balls for reasons that nobody really understands. Pallet Town Animal Shelter is dedicated to the settlement of these stray animals, feeding, nursing and rehousing them where appropriate.

Your job as general assistant is to risk drowning, mind manipulation and third-degree burns so that you can assist in giving care to nature’s cruelest mistakes.

A patient, understanding and caring attitude is a must, as is a soft-spot for rat-like unholy abominations that may electrocute you for no damn reason at all.

If you have the necessary qualities, and are willing to supply your own asbestos gloves, then we’d love to hear from you.

Careful, this dog poops fireballs for some reason.

Careful, this dog poops fireballs for some reason.

If you're any character besides the hero, making a living under the rules of video game logic is hell.

Your Princess isn’t in another castle, she just doesn’t want to see you. Get over it.

Steve Stevenson runs an employment agency for videogame zombies and is enormously tempted to make a bad joke about graveyard shifts. Follow him on twitter, so that he may properly apologise, or check him out at DeadPixel Publications.

If you do it for a career, you have to substitute with one of the auxiliary manly skills.

If you do it for a career, you have to substitute with one of the auxiliary manly skills.

For more gamer related ridiculousness from Steve, why not check out Harsh Life Lesson Learned from Classic Video Games? And then find out how best to pass on your dark wisdom to your future children with The Video Game Guide to Fatherhood. Between the two you should have learned the Six Things that Make You A Man.

More from Steve Wetherell

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