A Day in the Life of…Superman, the Man of Steel

by Jacopo della Quercia & Brendan McGinley

Man of Steel comes out on DVD today! If it can boost its earnings just a little bit more maybe one day we’ll get a Superman film. What’s that, you say? Man of Steel is a Superman film? Oh, we don’t think so, since it’s 90 minutes of Clark Kent doing decidedly non-Super things on the advice of his dumb father, before finally realizing his potential as…an angsty killer who lets hundreds of thousands die? Where’s Superman?

Spoilers from here through the infographic:

See, this is the exact same problem that Zack Snyder had with his changes to Watchmen: instead of making the threat that united the world an alien invader, he shifted it over to a rogue Dr. Manhattan and counted on all of humanity to unite against this godlike foe. What would happen if the U.S.’s secret weapon actually went rogue is the whole world would unite against us–even though he took out New York–and say, “Hey! We TOLD you what a horrible idea it was to keep that guy around!”

Similar thing right here–mere mortals would be furious: If Metropolis were destroyed with a six-figure body count, you wouldn’t hear a grateful body of citizens shout “Thank you for saving us, Superman!” but “#@*(& you for bringing your genocidal alien friends here!” What can we say? People are unreasonable. Even folks who understand why Superman is hiding here would be harsh on his destroying government satellites, people’s livelihood, and learning to follow his dad’s rules about letting a bus full of school children die so he could one day do something really great. Those people would say “Did you have to hold your battle in midtown Metropolis? What about midtown Smallville?”

There wouldn’t be a lot of gratitude, is what we’re saying. Because the Man of Steel doesn’t deserve it. Here’s 1000 words’ worth why:

There's a reason it's called "Man of Steel" and not "Superman" is all we're saying.

There’s a reason it’s called “Man of Steel” and not “Superman” is all we’re saying.

It ain't easy being 9' of man in 6'4" of President.

It ain’t easy being 9′ of man in 6’4″ of President.

Jacopo della Quercia is a man of many talents who somehow eluded death in 1438. He can regularly be found at Cracked and on Twitter @Jacopo_della_Q

The man is so full of greatness it's choking him.

The man is so full of greatness it’s choking him.

More from Jacopo della Quercia

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