5 Weird Search Terms You Used (for Some Reason)

Heaven have mercy, here comes another spate of weird search terms! Welcome to the internet’s only Victoria’s Secret angel accounting of your dark desires for knowledge, with…the weirdest search terms that brought you here! (November 15th edition, sure to be a collector’s item, not sold in stores.)

Here’s the deal: you look up your weirdest mysteries, we publish them in a complete betrayal of your trust, and if you make it to the end unscathed, you get to see a picture of a supermodel in lingerie. Deal?

i am trying to get laid in here

Lord, aren’t we all? Well, except for asexuals, and Warren Beatty, because Warren Beatty could have any woman he wanted in his heyday. You may think it’s that he got laid all the time so he never had to try, but the truth is actually the reverse: he never had to try to get laid, and therefore he got laid all the time.

The secret is not to try, see? If you can turn it down, you’ll get it. This is as true in the dating scene as it is in the pork bellies futures index. Let it go, go pursue other interests, and then you can have it at its full value. Don’t be that guy trying to get laid in here. Be pre-Bugsy Warren Beatty. Also–and this is just us–but have you tried engaging the other person as a human being and desiring them for who they are rather than just a means of salting your eggs?

(Salting your eggs is a new euphemism for sex we just invented. Try it on your friends!)

Probably led to:
Time to grow up.

Time to grow up.

Macho Culture: Killing Men, Killing Women — about once a week we like to a run more serious fare on the Man Cave, to talk about things that affect mankind. This one tackled men who think they aren’t ever supposed to be wrong, emotional, or unsuccessful. How it hurts them, and how they, in turn, hurt others and damage themselves more.

facial hair for blondes

If you’re a blond, congratulations! All your facial hair will be invisible unless you’re backlit. This is why there have been no new Swedish beards since the last Viking died in 1999. However, if you’re a blonde, facial hair should not be a concern of yours.

Ho ho ho! See how we pedantically played upon the feminizing -e  in there? Ladies, you don’t have facial hair. Except for all of you who do and are no less lovely for it. Why, a fetching bride whose lustrous lip-locks outdo her man’s has proven herself his superior! The couple that mous* together grows together!

Mou – n. (mə) To grow a mustache. First usage, 2013, preceding paragraph, by Man Cave Daily

Why do you think Mario is so dedicated to his spouse Luigi? (You didn’t think they were really brothers, did you? You did? Do you believe all the lies Nintendo tells you? You probably think Kirby is benevolent and the Final Fantasy fellowship didn’t nearly destroy the world thanks to their bumbling.)

Probably led to:
Photo credit NOAH SEELAM/AFP/Getty Images

DON’T: put fruit in your excellent ram’s horn ‘stache.

The Dos And Don’ts Of Facial Hair, though to be honest, our entire collection of facial hair articles is pretty bitchin’. Did you know if you’re starving on a liferaft you can survive for three days on the proteins in a 1″ mustache? That’s a complete lie we made up just now! These are literally the most cutting-edge facial hair myths on the market today.

why was ghost mama so mean

Mamas–even ghostly ones–are mean because they love you and want what’s best for you. Or your mother is a terrible, abusive person and you should flee. It’s a decision every man must make: whether to stand by the woman who carried him, or whether to admit to himself that mama lacks the mental technology to love a child. Remember that lady who died recently and her son and daughter co-authored an obituary about how brutal she was with the beatings when she wasn’t running a brothel out of their home? Yeah, that was a mean mama. And now she’s a ghost. The answer is that in death, as life, we are but the echoes of our actions.

Whoa. Deep.

Probably led to:
Credit: Universal Pictures

Mama may ai-y-yi

You would readily think this question dropped its questor on What’s ‘Mama’ About, Anyway?, because that’s a movie about a ghost mama who is mean. But NO! Our research indicates Google instead led him to 10 Weird Questions with Tucker Max, an article that contains neither the word ghost nor mama, and only uses “mean” in the indicative sense, not the emotional one.

Or maybe it's the other way around?

Or maybe it’s the other way around?

But that’s not why this is crazy. It’s crazy because of course the eponymous ghost Mama was mean. She’s a redneck wolf-ghost whose kids are taken (or something. We haven’t seen it yet, because it’s halfway down our Netflix queue, right behind Bikini Scream Queens 4 and the much less popular Bikini Scream Kings IX: Back in Space! Don’t you judge us. Don’t you dare goddamn judge).

is bill pullman related to the railroad guy?

You’re asking the wrong question. Haven’t you heard of Mitochondrial Eve? Far back enough, we’re all related to Bill Pullman. Now certainly you mean within recent parameters, but our actor Pullman is separated from 19th century engineer George Pullman by at least two generations and almost sixty years. That means, in some weird wormhole that only occurs in badly written internet fiction, the two could find themselves adrift in time and cling to each other for warmth…both thermal and human. And we the reader could not judge them, because they are not so closely related that this would be wrong. Also, since we’re writing weird slash-fiction about historical characters,

Unless–ew, is George Pullman grandfather to Bill Pullman? The web, despite being the repository of human knowledge, offers no easy answers.

Probably led to:
We're going to settle this once and for all.

We’re going to settle this once and for all.

But that’s okay, because the correct question to ask when identifying Bill Pullman’s place in our world is not one of comparison, but contrast — namely, is Bill Pullman the same man as Bill Paxton? No! The answer is forever no.

Imagine the scene: there you are at a trendy Los Angeles restaurant, with a fancy foreign name like Volterschlokker or Momofupoubelleskiveitch or Taco Bell, when suddenly you spy…that guy from that film! The one where he played an angry man, like…a soldier? Or a president? Or the private detective? It’s all a blur, but you KNOW that dude! You have to tell him your sister’s a big fan (you don’t have a sister). It’s Bill…something. How to avoid an embarrassing situation, as you intrude on his bacon and eggs shaped like a happy face atop a pile of pancakes?

Golden Pancakes

Mmmm. Now we need some goddamn pancakes, like a man does. (Photo Credit: Thinkstock)

Worry no more, gentle internet friend. We have gifted you The Field Guide to Bill Paxton & Bill Pullman. Go harass that man at breakfast with confidence.

men shouldn’t worry so much

Ain’t this the truth. It’s very hard being a man: you have to fistfight saber-toothed tigers all the time, you’re not allowed to have feelings, and as soon as you’ve brushed all the steaks out of your handlebar mustache, the Huns or the Spanish cavalry are invading the homestead again. If it isn’t one thing, it’s seven others, and then you gotta run home to make sure your wife hasn’t fainted out of reach of smelling salts. Then together you count all your children to make sure you still have 13 of them and none of them have been replaced with changelings by malevolent fairies.

If you do all that and earn your thruppence for the week, you have to spend half of it immediately on a stuffed goose for St. Swithin’s Day, and it’s just like–like I can’t take much more of this existence as some sort of Dickens character mixed with Teddy Roosevelt. Nobody understands, and if you’d just relax and let it ride, it would all come out the same.

Probably led to:
If you do it for a career, you have to substitute with one of the auxiliary manly skills.

If you do it for a career, you have to substitute with one of the auxiliary manly skills.

Six Things that Make You A Man (And Why You Shouldn’t Worry about Them). You know what? You don’t owe anybody an accounting of your masculinity. Just go pursue your interests and let the haters hate on. Kick back, pop open a cold one, and think warm thoughts of Lily Donaldson.

Victoria's Secret 2012 Fashion Show Runway - Show

What exactly is this outfit meant to represent, Ms. Donaldson? Princess Barbie from 1993? Help us out here.

You're probably here because you can spell Magdalena Frackowiak but misspell "naked."

You’re probably here because you can spell “Magdalena Frackowiak” but misspell “naked.”

Brendan McGinley is editor round these parts when not writing comics or Cracked columns. You can say a neighborly hello to him on Twitter @BrendanMcGinley.

miranda kerr victorias secret angels not naked or nude but wearing lingerie and hey thats pretty neat right getty 5 Weird Search Terms You Used (for Some Reason)

Most of our visitors are looking for Miranda Kerr, but we don’t have an article about her, just great pictures like this one. Miranda–call us! We’ll do an interview after our date.

Go deeper down the rabbit hole with 5 Weird Search Terms You Used to Get Here and 5 More Weird Search Terms You Used Recently.

More from Brendan McGinley

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