Today is National Have a Bad Day Day, initially created to give customer service workers a bit of an Opposite Day, where they’d say this to customers instead of wishing good days upon them. However, as someone who has worked in customer service and had no idea that such a day existed, I cannot recommend you do this, because most customers also don’t know about this holiday. A lot of customers can be pretty mean, too, so you’ll probably get super fired.
The alternative that is now more widely thought of is then to just actually have a bad day, which at first was inexplicable to me because I have plenty of bad days scattered throughout the year. You know, like how life works.
But any time I had an actual bad day, I didn’t see it coming, or at least problems I knew were looming on the back burner got way worse.
For today, you can do the job that life usually does. Nobody makes things terrible for you except you, goddammit, and you’ll see to it that it happens without the pesky help of completely uncontrollable situations, or stupid things you weren’t aware you were doing, like the way you were carrying those boxes.
Just to make sure you’re not going to accidentally kill yourself or damage your closest relationships beyond repair, here’s an itinerary I’ve prepared for your self-inflicted terrible day.
7:00am – Make yourself late and turn off your alarm.
You could either “forget” to set the alarm the night before, or to squeeze a little extra lemon juice on the self-inflicted wound, wake up when you normally would and just turn the thing off when you would usually mean to hit snooze. Then hilariously rush out the door pulling your pants on with a piece of toast hanging from your mouth.
9:00am – Spill coffee all over yourself
Just try not to burn yourself too badly. Though if that can happen your coffee is too hot anyway and you have a different problem. Really you just want to mess up your clothes a little so that everyone at work can point out what a mess you are. And maybe a little bit of burning, if you’re into that.
11:30am – Ruin your own lunch break
Since you already made yourself rush out the door this morning, it’s doubtful you had time to make a lunch anyway, but to really seal the deal here make sure you forget it anyway. For added lunchtime horror, leave your wallet at home and then be forced to rummage around the office for three-year-old bags of pretzels and an unclaimed bruised banana that’s been in the break room for two days.
1:00pm – Finally put a good crack in that phone screen
On your lunch break when you get bored and inevitably pull out your smart phone to smash candy or jog through temples or throw birds at pigs, finally give that pristine phone of yours some character and give it a little drop. If at least a good-sized corner of the screen isn’t indecipherable you’re doing it wrong. Keep smashing it against things until your day is horrible.
5:45pm – Miss your stop on the train
When all you really want to do is just get home and crawl into a sweatpants and blanket combo shield, it’s the perfect time to miss your stop by one or five on the train home. Then slink all the way over to the opposite train and spend that little extra time coming home that you could have spent surfing the internet or not paying attention to some show you don’t even like.
7:15pm – Invite your parents over a few days prior and “forget” about it
It’s perfect! You’ll have to panic to set something up for them and use even more of that energy you’ve been wasting running around and ruining your own day to go out and have fun with them. No matter where they stay you can make it fit with your awful day, as well. If they elect to stay in a hotel you can feel rightly shunned and that your own place isn’t good enough for them, and if they do stay in your place then you’ll get the opposite treatment, with constant complaints about how you should have a bigger guest bed, or a guest bed at all. It will be a bonus for you if you happen to walk in on them having sex later.
If you decide to pave your own crappy way through the world today, just think of it like Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. It’s a pretty good reference of a bunch of little stuff that can just build up throughout the day and make you want to give up. Just make sure that whatever you do, it’s something only temporary or fixable, so that tomorrow isn’t clean up the goddamn mess you created day.
Patrick is a writer and comedian living in Chicago and hopes that this article won’t jinx him into actually having a bad day today. You can check out his silly doodles at his Tumblr. But maybe don’t, he never updates it. Just give him some new followers on Twitter @fatfraud.
Patrick has undoubtedly made the lives of others’ worse with his self-help guides, such as How to Date (Like a Jerk). Though he has also felt guilty about ruining the days of people who don’t exist, by murdering them in An Apology to All Henchmen I’ve Murdered.