5 Weird Search Terms You Used, You Wackadoo

by Brendan McGinley

It’s that time again! Let’s see what mad desires stir within thy frame and compel thy hands to from the internet its secrets pull. And if you’re good, at the end you get a Victoria’s Secret angel.

how to dress as hipster cheek

Hipster cheeks, generally, fall into three categories:

  1. Dame, which is smooth and beautiful and not for you to kiss, as she has reserved it for the lips of a scruffy gentleman.
  2. Scruffy gentleman, whose unkempt hair grows wild and scraggly. There are no hipsters who can grow full beards, because to do so would be to become a man, and therefore an adult.
  3. Tattooed, which is, hey, whatever, your skin.
Probably led to:
You're all going to look back at your Instagram feed in 20 years and shake your head in embarrassment.

You’re all going to look back at your Instagram feed in 20 years and shake your head in embarrassment.

How to Out-Hipster the Hipsters, a weary errand if ever one existed and made its own pickles. This kind of oneupmanship is precisely how we got to the current state of elaborate hipsterdom today. Listen to us, you witless fool! There is no end to this race! Before long we’ll all be wearing buckets reclaimed from the trash for hats and tattooing our pet ferrets!

pork sex gallery

No way are we explaining this one.

Probably led to:
bilow mancave11 e1340466329281 5 Weird Search Terms You Used, You Wackadoo

If that recipe’s too hard just eat these raw garlic bulbs.

The relative relief and joy of Sex in the Kitchen: Beer-Braised Pork Tacos, in which our resident sexy chef and kickass writer Rochelle Bilow explains to you how to make really tasty, manly food with little to no effort.

minotaur attention grabbers

This is a redundant search, because minotaurs were a specialty even in ancient times, when you couldn’t brush your hair without triggering a divine quest. Go out to pick some figs and sure, you can expect to be swept away by a harpy or something, but the minotaur? That’s one of a kind. You might as well pick fights with a Sphinx.

And even if it weren’t unique, a minotaur would have no problem grabbing your attention, because it’s a half-man, half-bull, all cannibal  (you know, just like…uh, cows? Or men?) and depending which version you believe, was either a sort of bovine centaur or a bull-headed man. We know what you’re thinking, ladies: aren’t they all? We’ll be here all week! Try the veal! Just not where the minotaur can see, because that would probably provoke him.

Probably led to:
450484435 5 Weird Search Terms You Used, You Wackadoo

We honestly can’t think of a “Banks” pun that isn’t lame and/or disgusting.

This one’s easy. Boomer & Carton’s Attention Grabbers, the most current of which is the lovely, funny, sexy Elizabeth Banks. Start there and work your way back in time, to the fabled Attention Grabbers of yesteryear, in the ancient era of 2011!

Disclaimer: There are no minotaurs in Boomer & Carton’s galleries.

synthol naked body porn

Synthol is a substance that stupid body-builders with fragile egos inject into their muscles because they have no concept of what ideal human bodies look like. We will illustrate it here, with a Photoshopped bodybuilder image that took us six seconds and looks much more realistic than the average Synthoid.

And still looks more realistic than Synthoids.

You don’t know whether to laugh at Synthol users or just pity them.

Can you imagine the complex fetishes it would take to compound into a desire to see Synthol porn? Like…you know exactly what they’re looking for, but WHY? There are so many other kinds of porn you have to go through before you’re so desensitized that this is the only one that excites your ardor?

Probably led to:
This is the most tasteful representation possible. (photo: Thinkstock)

This is the most tasteful representation possible. (photo: Thinkstock)

The Worst Part of This “Olive Oil-Injected Penis” Story… which as you might have guessed, is that there’s a story about olive-oil injected penises.

who is stan lee

Who is Stan Lee? Who is Stan Lee?!? Stan Lee is the inventor of dreams, the creator of modern gods, and a gentleman so complete that his nickname is simply The Man. This actor has appeared in seven of the top ten grossing superhero films of all time, and without him, none of those superheroes would be able to do any of their greatest feats. Because they wouldn’t exist. Stan Lee possesses more godlike power in the Marvel Universe than the Infinity Gauntlet holding the Cosmic Cube. *scoff* Who is Stan Lee? Who are YOU, to wallow in your ignorance like a resident of the Savage Land and never once gaze beyond the veil of–

Haha! Sorry, we’re just kidding. Back in the ’90s there used to be nerds like that, before comics hit the mainstream again and we lost our privileged indignation.

Probably led to:
Silver-tongued and silver-haired--still going strong at 90.

Silver-tongued and silver-haired–still going strong at 90.

Our Interview with Stan Lee! The legend himself! Life is great.

Victoria's Secret 2012 Fashion Show Runway - Show

Oh, Behati Prinsloo — you are the hottest name we can’t pronounce.

You're probably here because you can spell Magdalena Frackowiak but misspell "naked."

You’re probably here because you can spell “Magdalena Frackowiak” but misspell “naked.”

Brendan McGinley is editor round these parts when not writing comics or Cracked columns. You can say a neighborly hello to him on Twitter @BrendanMcGinley.

miranda kerr victorias secret angels not naked or nude but wearing lingerie and hey thats pretty neat right getty 5 Weird Search Terms You Used, You Wackadoo

Most of our visitors are looking for Miranda Kerr, but we don’t have an article about her, just great pictures like this one. Miranda–call us! We’ll do an interview after our date.

Go deeper down the rabbit hole with 5 Weird Search Terms You Used to Get Here and 5 More Weird Search Terms You Used Recently.


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