Reasons Why You, the Reader, Are Special

by Jacopo della Quercia

Last year, an English teacher at Wellesley High School named David McCullough made headlines when he offered the following encouragement to the school’s graduating class: “You are not special.”

We understand McCullough was preparing those graduates for the harsh reality that they won’t enjoy the same success as his father, but as Jurassic Park‘s Ian Malcolm would say in these situations: “Life finds a way.” And why is that? Because you, the reader, are special! For real! We did the research, and mathematically you’re practically just as special as Jeff Goldblum. The famous one! In short, it looks like David McCullough was wrong and your parents were right. You are so special that you put the “you” in “unique,” and here are our reasons:

6. Scientifically, you are a wizard

We might as well start things at the beginning, by which we mean the first Harry Potter movie. You know Hagrid’s whole “yer a wizard” moment with Harry? Well… how else do we put this? Yer a wizard, [insert your name here].

Man Cave's Madam President sends you her congratulations.

Not so much magic that you have a chance with her, though. That’s beyond magic and into miracle.

Not only do you have access to fantastic powers right now, but you’re growing more powerful by the second. It’s a reality best explained by Arthur C. Clarke’s third law, which states “any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.”

Think about that for a moment. You, the person reading this, clearly have access to a computer with Internet connection–i.e., you have a magic mirror capable of showing you anything you want in the world: every book ever written, all the greatest works of art throughout history, lectures from the greatest schools on the planet, every movie ever made, any song you can think of, and oh… so many different forms of sexual satisfaction.

In short, yer a wizard, Harry. We all are.

5. Your voice truly is your own

If there’s one thing that every Disney princess has taught us, it’s that sometimes you just need to stop listening to your parents and siii-i-i-i-ing in your own unique voice.

However, it turns out there’s not a single thing you can do with your voice that isn’t unique due to it being nearly impossible for two people to share the same voice. This is because so many elements work together to produce your voice, among them a literal pipe organ of cavities in you mouth, head, and neck.

It would take nearly identical configurations to produce the same sound, which is why vocal recognition is such an effective form of identification. We’ll likely live our whole lives without ever sharing the same voice as someone else.

4. Your image is soaring through space as we speak

You know how all those stars in the night sky are from billions of years ago? Well, guess what? It works the other way around as well. Your entire life history has been recorded in the form of light bouncing off this planet and shining out into space, along with everything else that goes down on this rock. Including every time you had sex.

You’re an interplanetary porn star!

You’re an interplanetary porn star!

As a result, you know that whole concept that if you looked at Earth from a distant planet with a powerful telescope, you would see dinosaurs? Yeah… 65 million years after that, if someone looked through that same telescope, they would see you giving them the finger from your backyard after reading this article. That’s the power you possess on this planet.

Serves them right for watching everyone in your family undress this whole time.

Serves them right for watching everyone in your family undress this whole time.

3. You are the descendant of winners

You don’t need to be as rich or as famous or as wasted as Charlie Sheen to be “winning.” The very fact you exist is an achievement made possible thanks to every person you descend from being unkillable just long enough to have made your life possible!

Your DNA survived every world war, every plague, every famine, every meteor impact, every great white attack, and every other horror from history dating back to the dawn of humanity and beyond. And not only does this make your family legacy pretty damn awesome, but picture this: not only did your ancestors survive all these calamities, they survived it long enough to have sex.

During work. Right in the middle of the restaurant. It was disgusting. The place the had to close, the owner lost her income, her kids couldn't go to college...but nature would not be denied. LIFE FINDS A WAY!

During work. Right in the middle of the restaurant. It was disgusting. Your grandfather lost his job, your grandmother was cast out of her family, the place the had to close, the owner lost her income, her kids couldn’t go to college…but nature would not be denied. LIFE FINDS A WAY!

If that’s not “winning,” we don’t know what is.

2. You are the center of the universe

The next time your significant other accuses you of thinking you’re the center of the universe, just pick it up and lob it back at ‘em. Not only are you both right, but it is something you both have in common!

Commence lovemaking.

Commence lovemaking.

Seriously, it’s true! Because the universe is expanding in every direction, there is no precise center to the expansion. As a result, “every point in the universe sees itself as the center.” You are its center. Your love-partner’s sex organs are its center. The condoms you keep in your sock drawer are its center! So remember that the next time you have sex. No matter who you are sleeping with, both of you are having sex in, at, and with the center of the universe! Score!!!

But if the center of the universe is ever found, we're pretty sure it's this.

But if the center of the universe is ever found, we’re pretty sure it’s this.

1. The fact that you exist right now is the most unlikeliest thing ever

Please take a moment to consider what exactly life is. Is it a miracle? Was it an accident? Are we the product of deities, or aliens, or Predators? Does it have a higher purpose, or is it the kind of thing that we were meant to spend staring at screens?

Well, whatever life is, it is unlikely. Specifically, the odds of you existing right now is probably the most unlikeliest thing ever. According to NPR, some guy named Dr. Ali Binazir finally took the time to figure out what the odds were that your parents would exist, meet each other, and conceive you with their “you” sperm and egg.

The result: You are one in 102,685,000, which is such a big number that if we were to spell it in atoms, we’d run out of atoms in the whole goddamn universe by the time we reached 10^80. So yeah, you’re more than special. You’re the luckiest thing we have ever heard of. Like… an entire universe peopled with Rockys instead of atoms.

So go forth, enjoy life, and if you feel like it, get laid. You are a winner, you are incredible, and you are unquestionably special. We love you.

It ain't pretty.

It ain’t so super.

Follow Jacopo della Quercia on Twitter!

The happiest birthday we can wish Mencia is to wish him some self-awareness to realize why no one respects him.

The happiest birthday we can wish Mencia is some self-awareness to realize why no one respects him.

Jacopo uncovered the most typical Day in the Life of…Superman, the Man of Steel and swears he didn’t steal a bunch of jokes to write about then A Day in the Life of…Carlos Mencia.

More from Jacopo della Quercia

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