The Terrifying Future, Part 2!

Remember when we gave you an awful glimpse of The Terrifying Future? Your ordeal isn’t over, Sam! You’re destined to bounce through time like a quantum ping pong ball, until you’ve comprehended every awful thing that will ever occur to man! Then we included some more relieving facts, that are all entirely made up to distract you from the fact that you’re doomed! DOOMED! DOOOOOOMED!

Welcome, Time Travelers, to the year 2305! I hope your journey through the Fabric of Eternity hasn’t left you too rattled. Ah, you look confused. Here, let me get you a hot cup of Space Tea while you lie down on the Space Couch. Go on, then: put your feet up on the Space Ottoman and I’ll give you a quick Space Shoulder Rub. Are you cold? Here, let me turn on this Space Space Heater. Oh, don’t mind what we call things. You see, President Drake Lohan IV outlawed independent creativity in 2097. Now, all ideas must be filtered through the Pepsi Cola corporation. And they bought most of the extraterrestrial real estate 2 years ago, thanks to the surplus spoils of the Great Texan War® brought to you by Taco Bell. So now all citizens are required by law to add Space in front of most nouns. Excuse me -- most Space nouns. But that’s not the most horrifying thing that’s happened in the past few hundred years. Of course, you’re already familiar with some of what has happened. Now, intrepid adventurers, we’ll take you ever farther into... THE TERRIFYING FUTURE! 2100: On March 14th, the Julian calendar and the Gregorian calendar will be within 14 days of each other. Julius didn’t notice Gregory sneaking up on him, what with the anniversary of his brutal slaying at the hands of Brutus, but, you know. This means that every Julian Day will match up with every Gregorian day, but only until February of 2200. So there goes your old standby excuse of, Oh, we were meeting with the divorce attorney today? Aw, I was following my Gregorian calendar! Of course, this change happens in February, because all good things come to an end in February, such as football season, hope, and months that don’t involve Valentine’s Day. 2100: According to Wikipedia: Polaris appears farthest North. Polaris's maximum apparent declination (taking account of nutation and aberration) will be 0.4526° from the celestial north pole, on 24 March 2100. This is unlike Polaris, the band that wrote The Adventures of Pete and Pete theme song, who reached 100% declination by 1997. Zing! 2100: 2100 will not be a leap year. This is because it is a year ending in 00, but not divisible by 400, and this is a rule, apparently. Wow, ladies and gentlemen. Leap year qualifications are so convoluted, they must be handled by Congress! Am I right, folks? Ha HAAA! That’s the cat’s meow. Now, here’s Bob Hope. 2110: A time capsule is opened in Santiago, 100 years after its burial date in 2010. Onlookers are overheard saying, ¿Quién es Hoo-stan Bieber? 2132: A time capsule is opened in Ontario, Canada, 150 years after its burial date in 1982. Onlookers are overheard saying, What’s Joanie Loves Chachi, eh? while standing around in their Mountie uniforms, drinking frothing mugs of maple syrup and generally being very polite to each other (I don’t know how Canada works). 2134: Halley’s Comet returns, thereby ending the murderous reign of the zombiefied Mark Twain. All right, I’ll go to hell, then! screams Twain, weighed down into the bowels of the earth by an ironic backpack full of frogs from Calaveras County. But I’ll be back, jerks! I’ll be baaaaaaaaack! 2140: KFC, McDonald’s, and Subway merge into a super fast food restaurant. Their first innovation is a 6-foot Big Mac Party Double Down Sub, also known as The Big Kahuna 2140 + 1 second: Mississippi concludes. March 17, 2160: St. Patrick’s Day falls within Holy Week, which will likely prompt the Vatican to move the Feast of St. Patrick to another day. Just to be clear, the Pope is asking Irish-Americans to choose between their Lord and their beer. I don’t know about you, but I’ll take the points. 2160: Some believe that babies born in 2010 will still be alive in 2160, but only the realllllly healthy, in shape ones. (Sorry, America, you fat, rich jerks! Looks like you’re out of luck again!) 2165: Turtle kicked. 2172: Robo-Favre attempts comeback, not long after receiving adamantium replacements to his leg joints. He is quickly and permanently disassembled on his first play after being sacked by Barkevious Mingo X (which is both his model number, and name the robo-son of Barkevious Mingo IX). 2193: A time capsule in Toronto, Canada is opened, 196 years after its burial in 1997. Onlookers will be overheard saying: UUUUUGH! BATS! WHO PUT BATS IN A TIME CAPSULE!? WHY ARE THEY STILL ALIVE!? MOTHER OF GOD, THEY’RE KILLING US! 2197: Cubs lose world series to the Punta Cana Vaqueros in heartbreaking fashion. extending their curse to...a real long time. 2200: Some believe that, by this point, Mexico will rise as a leading power, regularly contesting the United States for control of what is now the Southern US. Meanwhile, Texas gets the death it always wanted: fighting tooth and nail for independence from the two governments it despises the most. By 2200: according to Google: By 2200, it is predicted that a Type I civilization will form under the Kardashev scale, according to Nikolai Kardashev's extrapolation of 1% energy usage growth per year. WELL! Better get your umbrellas or your flashlights or your...your...what the hell did I just read? 2212: United States reaches peace according with Bat Reynolds, the Bat-Prime Minister of Toronto. 2215: Joan Rivers dies. 2279: Turtle knocks on your door. HEY! What the hell was THAT all about!? 2300: Google plans to have archived all of the world’s information. That’s not a joke. ALL. THE WORLD’S. INFORMATION. Hey, what’d you have for lunch last Tuesday? Don’t remember? No problem. Good ol’ Google’s got your back! Name of the girl in that bar? Bam. Googled. She’s a Libra and ready to mingle. And if this kind of omnipresent, all-encompassing blanket of instantly accessible and likely invasive information terrifies you, don’t worry. By 2300 your decaying carcass will have been long since devoured by worms. All that’ll be left is your skull: your jaw open in an eternal, soundless scream - your teeth long since gone, thanks to the grave robbers looking for silver fillings. There will be silence. But no peace. Goodnight everyone!

All of this has happened before, and all of this will happen again.

Brian Cullen is going to find a blanket and cup of hot cocoa and try to block out all of that nonsense. You can read about Part 1 of the Terrifying Future here! Also, be sure to follow him on twitter @bucketcullen.

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