Ugh. I can’t believe I actually have to get up and write an article on the day after Christmas. Do they know how much, um, *eggnog* I had last night?? Writers are people too, you know. You’d expect us to get at least a bit of time off to enjoy the holidays. NOPE. “Get up and get to smackin’ those keys!” Pharaoh says so. Well, I can’t just get up and get started right away. I’m not superhuman, after all. Let’s see, what time is it?
Not even double digits??? What am I, some kind of animal?? This is not fair. This is torture. I shouldn’t be up for three more hours, at least. Especially after last night. Deadlines can kiss my ass; this is ridiculous. Maybe some food will help, I guess I should get up.
Man, I hate having hardwood floors. It’s always so cold on my feet in the morning. Someone should invent a solution to that, and don’t say “it’s called slippers,” because you’re wrong. I’m a size 15 shoe, it’s impossible to find quality slippers my size that aren’t $80,000. I can’t even buy shoes in stores 99% of the time. I have to order them online. The worst part about ordering online is you don’t get to try them on first, so you just have to hope for the best that they fit. You have no idea how many shoes I’ve had to send back because they’re uncomfortable or don’t fit properly. Only I could be so unlucky.
Oh, this day just keeps out-doing itself. Looks like I’m out of milk! I wish I knew someone finished the milk BEFORE I poured my bowl of cereal. Is there anything worse than that?? What am I supposed to do with this bowl of dry, crunchy cereal now? I can’t eat this. This is trash. What a waste. Forget eating, I’ll just starve. Thanks a lot, mom. At least there’s orange juice, I’m surprised nobody finished that too!
Um, PULP?!?!? WHAT? What kind of sicko drinks their juice with pulp? And who’s demented mind thought it would be a good idea to buy it with “Extra Pulp”?! I’m disgusted. This entire venture to the kitchen was a complete fail. I give up. I’m going to my computer, I need to get started on this article anyways (and my laptop is over four years old, so it takes forever to turn on).
Now that I’ve spent 27 minutes waiting for my computer to turn on while staring out the window at my car covered in 20 feet of snow (Hey, what has two thumbs and isn’t going anywhere this week? You guessed it!), I can finally get started. Alright, what do they have me working on this time? Let me guess; The Top 10 Movies Featuring Cats. No, how about; Reasons Why You Should Date A Girl Who Likes Comics. I bet my Pulitzer is in the mail already.
Let’s see here… they want me… to write an article… about… National Whiners Day? Are they trying to suggest something? Seriously, that’s friggin’ rude! How am I even supposed to write about something like that? I’ve never even heard about it before. Why would whiners even have their own day? That doesn’t make any sense. I better do some research *cough* *cough* *Wikipedia* *cough* *cough*.
Oh, great. Nothing! Is this thing even real? Am I being Punk’d? Ashton, you can come out now. No? Alright then, Google it is.
According to this web page that took me 1.4 second to find on my own personal portable computer, Nation Whiners Day was founded in 1986 by Rev. Kevin Zaborney in hopes of encouraging people to be thankful for what they have rather than unhappy about what they don’t have. According to my research that I didn’t have to go anywhere to do because it’s all available at my fingertips, it’s actually highly encouraged to go to a mall or large store on Whiners Day, which takes place the day after Christmas on December 26th, and watch people whine and complain as they attempt to return or exchange unwanted gifts.
As I lean back in my brand new, lumbar-supportive chair that sits in front of my personal office desk, I can’t help but think this is a pretty interesting concept. It’s almost noon now, I bet there is some great action going on at the local mall. I’m tempted to check it out. Besides, it’s only about a nine minute drive through the nice, suburban community that I live in. I may have trouble finding shoes, but my boots do fit perfectly and they’re right by the door. Also, it’s surprisingly not that cold out today. I can even pick up some more milk and orange juice while I’m there so that someone else doesn’t have to do it. After all, I am just about finished this article, which I thoroughly enjoy writing because it allows me to express my passion and creativity all while paying me money to do so while sitting within the comfort of my own home. Maybe I’ll brush the snow off of my car, which I recently became the owner of, and give Whiners Day a try. I have a feeling that seeing other people complain and hearing other people whine can really help put your problems into perspective.