It seems like there have been a lot of articles about women ruining video games lately. Does anyone else remember when women could ruin video games by playing and enjoying them in peace, without all these words about it? I do. I remember that time, and let me tell you, that time was unequivocally pleasant and nothing bad happened. Unfortunately, this recent article from masculism blog and online equivalent of a gas station toilet, Return of Kings, is the final straw that signals the end of that era forever.
Here are three ways the article “3 Ways Women Have Ruined Video Games” has once and for all ruined articles about women ruining video games:
1. The Article Is Not a Video Game
The author leads with the assertion, “[Women] would rather screech about a game not including a strong female role model than actually make a video game with a strong female role model…Females always want to be inclusive without putting in the work themselves.”After reading this indictment of women simply complaining about video games instead of making better ones, my first thought was, “That criticism is logically consistent, which is why the author has chosen to relay his opinions on this subject through the medium of a high-quality video game.”
But then I took a second look and realized that I was actually reading words — an article, no less — about the shortcomings of various video games. I know! I was just as surprised as you. I even tried hooking a controller up to my laptop, in case it just hadn’t been optimized correctly for PC, but no dice. This article is definitely not a video game, and has therefore ruined articles about women ruining video games.
2. Doesn’t Feature Enough Photos of Hot Ladies
This article claims that there are no respected female games journalists or developers, and I can’t think of a single example to refute that claim. Women have nothing of value to say, he argues: “[Video games journalists] would rather write about some dumb ass model dressed up as a video-game character than something substantive.” He immediately follows this condemnation of articles that focus on attractive, sexualized women playing video games with only ONE photo of an attractive, sexualized woman playing video games! I haven’t been this outraged since I found out women are technically allowed to vote.
The subtext of this entire screed is that women should be seen and not heard, and yet in the entire article there are only three photos of sexy, scantily clad women. Three! If the author doesn’t start adding more (to use his own words) “useless pretty chicks,” his dedicated readership of emotionally stunted RedTube commenters who somehow don’t understand the irony of using a Matrix reference to support their regressive misogyny might start thinking of women as actual humans with agency. An article of this length should feature no fewer than seven almost-pornos (a photo that’s been cropped to remove the woman’s head counts for two).
[Editor’s note: don’t blame us if there are any headless thumbnails to your right. Our site’s autocrop feature is a cruel beast. Back to you, Alli.]
3. Clearly Just Written for Attention
I think we can all see this article for what it is: a pathetic cry for attention. I mean, he wrote down words? Which he published? On the internet? Author redpiller1985 is obviously in pursuit of the support and validation of his peers, which is a bad thing for some reason.
Let’s take a closer look. He says he plays video games, but in the entire article, he only references Contra, Duke Nukem, Mario, and Pokémon, all of which are extremely popular and famous games. As he states, anyone who references such mainstream games “are not actual gamers but women riding a fad.” I would recommend that the author stop trying to fit in with the cool kids by pretending he knows about video games and get back in the Taco Bell drive-through line where he belongs.
So Everything Is Ruined: What Now?
Obviously, the Articles About How Women Ruined Games industry has been dealt a fatal blow with this piece, and ripples of its impact will surely be felt far and wide. It could be the end of video games. Despite my genitalia, though, I do care a lot about the medium, so let me propose a solution. How’s this:
The author of the article and all the other backwards, regressive, frightened a*****es (BRFAs) get all the games that were made before women “started” playing them – as defined by the article itself, 1970-2009. That’s a lot of games! And a lot of them don’t have a single non-trophy woman in them! That’s a pretty big win for the BRFAs.
In exchange, the rest of us – those of us not living in a cowardly fantasy world – we get the future of games. Because we are the future of games. Our games will be challenging, innovative, risky. Our games will push the medium to its extremes and continually expand the definition of video games itself. Some of our games will miss the mark, of course, but because our developers are looking forward, we get to experience the explosive growth of a new creative field, and we get to grow with it. I can’t imagine anything more exciting.
But don’t worry, BRFAs. There will be plenty of 14 year olds left who will play Call of Duty with you.
Alli hated on internet hate in The Steam Controller and Other Ridiculous Ideas Throughout History and deconstructed the world’s oldest joke with 3 Reasons Your “Get Back in the Kitchen” Joke Is Boring.