Valentine’s Gifts for the Desperate and Creepy!

Ah, Valentine’s Day. An excuse, if an excuse was needed, for a bumbling romantic gesture to remind that special someone in your life that you’re capable of memorizing a calendar event.

For those of us in a relationship it’s a time to indulge in laughter and gift giving and togetherness– and it’s also a fleeting chance to further insulate yourself from the ever-pressing specter of unwanted singledom. After all, if a crummy card and a bunch of flowers can stand between you and a bleak and lonely future, abandoned in a crummy apartment, sitting with a troubled brow upon a throne of dead cats, then maybe it’s time to step up to the expectations of the season. So, if you’re choosing a gift then the pressure is on to think of something original, special and above all sincere. What’s that? Crazy is the new sincere? Well, you’re in luck, fella, ’cause it just so happens that the we’ve got more crazy than a bag full of top-hat wearing weasels.

The Twosie!

The onesie, or Snuggie™, was symbolic of a shining period in human history when mankind collectively said; “Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t dress like a giant baby?” and then stomped off in his dinosaur footsie pajamas. While dressing in such a manner might still be considered inappropriate for the boardroom (for now) there’s no reason not to take the action into the bedroom with the twosie!

The perfect garb to tell others you've stopped having sex...both together and with third parties.

The perfect garb to tell others you’ve stopped having sex…both together and with third parties.

Available in a variety of cutesy styles, there’s nothing like a pair of conjoined pajamas to say to the woman you love; “Don’t ever leave me. Ever.”

Matching pajamas– one of the four horseman of inevitable divorce.

Matching pajamas– one of the four horseman of inevitable divorce.

Tooth Necklace!

Remember playing Dhalsim in Street Fighter and thinking “Wow, those skull necklaces are romantic as all get out?” Ha! Of course not– only losers played Dhalsim in Street Fighter! Still, there’s something to be said for offering a part of your own body immortalized in jewelry to your Valentine, and it’s not hard to find a bespoke jewelers willing to arrange that for you! Imagine the look on your lady’s face when she opens a little black box to find one of your molars inside? “Ish my toof!” You’ll say, dribbling blood through your poorly anesthetized jaw. “Don’t ever leath me!”

"Perfect! Now if only I'd choose it before I took the others out…"

“Perfect! Now if only I’d chose it before I took the others out…”

Candy Posing Pouch!

Everybody knows that Valentine’s Day is the perfect time to indulge a sweet tooth, and so for the candy Casanovass out there, why not bring the sexy with this probably-NSFW-unless-your-office-is-a-mix-of-inappropriate-and-sad edible posing pouch? All the fun of candy, mixed with all the fun of scrotal sweat and errant pubic hairs! For maximum surprise, wait until after she’s finished her dinner in a fancy restaurant before you stand on the table and reveal her “dessert”! The dessert that you’ve been sitting on for the past two hours!

“Where are you taking me?” You’ll say, as the waiting staff drag you into the street. “Don’t leeeeeeave meeeeeee!”

We couldn't find a picture of the candy underwear, but these ones are made out of beef jerky.

We couldn’t find a picture of the candy underwear, but these ones are made out of beef jerky.

Anatomical Beating Heart Plush!

The heart is the classic symbol of Valentine’s bliss, and offering your heart to your belle Temple of Doom style is the ultimate in romantic gestures. Sadly, there’s no way to do this without dying and ruining the carpet, so as an alternative you can offer up this loveable plush heart. It even throbs and beats when you shake it! “This is my heart!” you’ll say, as you surprise her in the kitchen. “Hahahahahahaha!”

Photo via

¡Que romantico!
Photo via

Boyfriend Pillow!

Sadly, you can’t always be with the one you love. Sometimes you have to go to the bathroom, and she wont let you leave the door open to look out at her because she says that’s creepy. But what if there was some kind of boyfriend stand in, to maintain the illusion of togetherness and remind her of you when you’re not there? Well, with this Boyfriend Pillow®, you can smother your woman (with affection) even when you’re not in the room! There is no escape from your love!

If that thing learns to open jars and sleepily mumble "I owe you one; I'll get you next time," we are obsolete in this relationship.

If that thing learns to open jars and sleepily mumble “I owe you one; I’ll get you next time,” we are obsolete in this relationship.

See how comfortably she fits into the nook of the arm?…A little too comfortably if you ask me. How long has this been going on? Is she leaving you? Leaving you for a pillow? God, that’d be just like her, wouldn’t it? So insecure…

"Finally, something I can hug without it crying!"

“Finally, something I can hug without it crying!”

Steve is a hopeless romantic, or at least romantically hopeless. Follow him on Twitter and check out his books!

If you’re stumped for last-minute Valentine’s Day plans and you’re hyperventilating, then we can help with So You Forgot Valentine’s Day.

forgotvday1 Valentines Gifts for the Desperate and Creepy!

You know she’s mad when she can only speak in Wingdings.

More from Steve Wetherell

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