7 Innocent-Sounding Books That Should Be Kept Far Away from Children

You know the old expression of how you can’t judge a book by its cover? The same could easily be said for titles also. Especially when you consider how Walmart-friendly some of the most inappropriate books ever written probably sound to children.

Fortunately, Fifty Shades of Grey probably comes off as the most boring coloring book in history to your average child. The following books, however, sound like the kind of titles you’d expect to see featured on Reading Rainbow. That is, if it wasn’t for the fact that they are wholly inappropriate for children despite their cutesy titles.

A more honest title to all three books would have been Mommy’s Porn.

A more honest title to all three books would have been Mommy’s Porn.

Next: from the writer of Blood Meridian…

7. All the Pretty Horses, by Cormac McCarthy

What it sounds like:

My Little Pony, the book.

What it’s really like:

Sex, murder, Mexican prison gangs, and a search for a Colt pistol. In short, if you ever thought it was dangerous to have a gun in the house with children, this book just upped the stakes thanks to Cormac McCarthy’s intricate descriptions of firearms.

He should have called it All the Pretty Guns.

He should have called it All the Pretty Guns.

6. The Scarlet Letter, by Nathaniel Hawthorne

What it sounds like:

What else? An alphabet book.

“A is for...”

“A is for…”

What it’s really about:

“. . . Adultery.”

Still, we gotta hand it to Penguin. The deluxe edition looks fun to read.

Still, we gotta hand it to Penguin. The deluxe edition looks fun to read.

5. The Man in the High Castle, by Philip K. Dick

What it sounds like:

The kind of book that starts off: ‘Once upon a time . . .”

What it’s really about:

A chilling alternate-history where the Axis won World War II, the United States is in pieces, and the Nazis have begun exploring space. “Goodnight, Moon. Goodnight, Nazis.”

4. A Clockwork Orange, by Anthony Burgess

What it sounds like:

A brightly-colored picture book.

Seriously, just like this.

Seriously, just like this. 

What it’s really about:

Rape, murder, ultra-violence, the old “in-out, in-out,” drinking drug-laced milk, skipping school, police brutality, and Beethoven. Cookies and milk will never be the same again.

3. The Painted Bird, by Jerzy Kosiński

What it sounds like:

Ooh! Another picture book!

...but of what?

…but of what?

What it’s really about:

Perhaps the single most controversial fiction about World War II ever written on account of its wonton violence, torture, child-abuse, bestality, incest, and sex. In short, all the perverted colors of the rainbow.

2. The Handmaid’s Tale, by Margaret Atwood

What it sounds like:

The sequel to the Newbery Medal-winning children’s novel The Midwife’s Apprentice.

 

How badly could this turn out?

How badly could this turn out?

 

What it’s really about:

A dystopian future where the United States has been taken over by a crazed Christian theocracy where women are second-class citizens used as breeding cattle. On the plus side, at least the new flag for the country is a conspirator’s dream come true.

1. A Game of Thrones, by George R. R. Martin

What it sounds like:

Musical chairs! With kings!

Or maybe, toilets?

Or maybe, toilets?

 

What it’s really about:

Let’s put it this way: there’s a porno coming out called Game of Bones that will probably contain less sex than the book or show. Or at least less incest.

Follow Jacopo della Quercia on Twitter!

Jacopo disenchanted you further with These Iconic Movie Moments Were Entirely Ad-Libbed.

WonkaFall

More from Jacopo della Quercia
Comments

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

More From Mancave Daily

LISTEN: Sports, Entertainment, Guests, Hilarity
Al's Boring Podcast
Podcasts Galore

Listen Live