Dying alone gets a lot of bad press, but there’s two sides to every story. Use this list to help you decide if dying alone is right for you.
Con: Your neighbor discovers your body three weeks later when he notices that your Cat Afficionado magazines have been piling up on your front porch.
Pro: Rather than being surrounded by beeping machines and underpaid nurses, your last moments will be spent curled up in a Snuggie watching Law & Order reruns (much like all your other moments preceding it).
Con: No one will be there to hold you as you go quietly into that good night.
Pro: There’s a 1 in 4 chance you’ll die in the summer. Do you know how uncomfortable cuddling is in 90-degree heat? No thank you.
Con: Crippling loneliness.
Pro: You get the whole bed to yourself! No blanket thieves and morning breath for you, you lucky devil!
Con: That look of pity people get when they find out you’re still single.
Pro: All the money you’ve saved from not having kids means there’s at least an 80% chance you have a room in your house where the floor is a trampoline, and it’s like the old saying goes: “Trampoline rooms are a dish best served for one.”
Con: Forever being the third wheel to your coupled-off friends.
Pro: That remote control is all yours, buddy! Go ahead and watch that Charmed marathon all weekend without anyone nagging you to do the dishes or go to your doctor’s appointment or have sex with them.
Con: You’ll die sooner.
Pro: You’ll spend way less money on soap and toilet paper, because who are you trying to impress?
Con: A lifetime of microwaved dinners eaten over the sink.
Pro: They say just before you die of hypothermia, you get really warm and relaxed and content. I imagine that’s what finally giving up on love is like, too. Doesn’t sound so bad when I put it like that, does it?
Dying alone is often excluded from the list of viable life choices, but as you can see, it has some significant benefits. With a carefully cultivated cynicism and access to your neighbor’s cable, you may never have to emotionally connect with another human being for the rest of your life. Just imagine how many times you can watch Die Hard with all that free time! You truly are living the dream.
Alli got a jump start on her new life path by drinking alone with We’ve Devised (and Tested) a ‘GTA V’ Drinking Game and waxed poetic about the good old days with The Steam Controller and Other Ridiculous Ideas Throughout History.