The $15 Billion-Dollar Man
There are two different ways to judge how successful an athlete is, how many people he forced to retire by being too awesome, and whether they make enough money to make it rain over a significantly sized area. If we’re going by the latter Diocles made enough money to feed the entire city of Rome, for an entire year!
Being a charioteer, Diocles risked death every single time he strapped himself into his horse powered death mobile, something he supposedly did over 5000 times! Now you may remember our article on the evil prick and noted charioteer, Porphyrios, who was so good at racing he used to beat his opponents in their own chariot. Though there’s no evidence of Diocles doing this, he did take part in Royal Rumble-esque super races involving all four chariot teams at once. Which we’re going to say is way more impressive since more horses on a chariot track means more chances for crashing, which if you’ve ever watched Nascar you’ll know is the best part.
Starting his career at the tender age of 18, Diocles toughened his soft, supple boy hands by slapping every racer he ever came across for 24 years straight. (The leather reins probably helped.) In the process he jumped between the Whites, the Greens and the Reds–which if you’re not aware, were three of the four teams a charioteer could choose or be chosen to race for in Ancient Rome. Oddly Diocles never chose to race for the Blues, but then again, if Diocles didn’t think they were worthy, screw the Blues.
Due to his immense level of fame we know tons about Diocles and his career, for example, he took part in 4,257 races and won at least 1,462 of them. You may not think this is impressive, but considering he had a 22-year career, that means he took place in around 190 races per year, every year, for 22 years. That’s roughly 4 races per week, can you imagine any modern athlete matching this achievement? We don’t think a freaking chess player could match that performance and they don’t even carry knives. Diocles did, you know why? In case he was strangled by his own goddamn horses and he needed to stab himself free. We should also point out that the top three racers won a prize, so even though Diocles only won 1,462 races, he could have been paid for thousands more and if we’re honest, he probably was.
Now we know you’re here to read about money Diocles made, and boy did he make money.Throughout his career Diocles earned a reported 35,863,120 sesterces, the equivalent of $15 billion. Which makes him worth approximately 15 pre-bone-everything-in-sight Tiger Woods’. But here’s the thing, this was just the prize money Diocles made, he could have easily made way more money in sponsorship or even just by slapping people and taking it, because hell, who’d argue with him if he did?
The sheer amount of money Diocles made was so great that this guy worked out he could have funded the entire Roman army for two months. That may not seem like a lot, but seriously, this was one guy, one guy who could afford to fund the biggest most powerful army on Earth for two months out of his own pocket. But he didn’t because he was too busy making big pimp money.
Karl Smallwood is a freelance comedy writer you can hire! His work has been featured on Cracked, Toptenz and Gunaxin. You should probably click those links to make sure he isn’t lying. He also runs his own website where he responds to the various pieces of hate-mail he’s gotten over the years, in fact, he got so much hate-mail that he wrote a book about it that you can buy on Amazon. When he isn’t writing, Karl also Tweets and uploads pictures of himself drinking on Facebook.
Not every ass-kicker of antiquity is a wrestler, but the ones who are will stomp your face into raw subatomic particulate, which then, over the course of billions of years, will break down, compress, and reform in a giant bang to one day become your face again. So no harm, no foul! Check out prime examples The Great Gama and Milo of Croton.