One would guess that if you happen to be fat and you happen to be a Jew it would never occur to you to go around calling yourself “The Fat Jew.” Which means, you’re no Fabrizio Goldstein.
And because you’re no Fabrizio Goldstein it probably also never occurred to you to use those Citi Bikes — which have popped up around New York City the way crack dealers used to back in the 198os — as stationary cycles to get yourself in shape. But that’s just what he did. And he called it SoulCycle For The Homeless.
In this article from The New York Daily News Fab, who fancies himself a comedian, admits this started out as a joke but now he’s 100% serious. Which is cool, the only problem is (well, not the only problem, homeless people probably don’t have a pressing need for cardio exercises.) Citi bikes offer no resistance. And resistance is pretty freaking important. Sure, what he’s doing is better than sitting around eating (sweet, delicious) Fluffernutters (with a glass of cold milk…mmmm) But if you really want to burn calories this isn’t the most productive way to go about it.
Goldstein is right about one thing; it does cost a lot to join a gym. So what do you do if you’re not homeless but you are on a Ramen noodle budget? Well, I have a few ideas…
Now, I’m no expert but if you take 15 minutes out of your day and do these at least three to five times a week, you might still be Jewish (if you are already) but you certainly won’t be fat. If you’re not already Jewish, sorry, these won’t get you closer to joining the people of the book.
Jumping Jacks or the Swirling Lunatic, your choice
We’ve all seen ‘em. Most of us have done them. It’s fairly low impact and it’s great way to get the heart rate up. To start off an exercise regimen, doing jumping jacks is about as basic as you get. But what if jumping up and down disturbs the downstairs neighbors?
Neighbors like Dan and Sharon who live beneath you and have that annoying rat-sized dog that barks at all hours of the night but you’ve never said a damn thing about. Yet you drop one can of peas in the kitchen and they are banging at your door to complain.
If that’s your situation, try positioning yourself in one place and lifting your legs as if walking up a staircase while sticking your arms out to the side and rotating them. Sure, it looks stupid but you need to warm up and you don’t want hear crap from those awful people you’re forced to share a building with. Anyway do that for about five minutes.
Once you’re done immediately move on to…
Backpack Push Up
You own a backpack, don’t you? Everybody has a backpack it’s like owing a black t-shirt or having a college roommate named Jayden, it’s part of being alive. Well, why not wear your backpack while doing push ups? Just stuff a few a pounds of books or what not get down on the floor and do as many as you can in the span of 5 minutes. If you live in a super small space, have your feet up on your bed and your lower body on the floor.
Once you’re done, get yourself up, take off the backpack and do…
The Milk Jug Overhead
Take two empty gallon milk jugs and fill them with water, or simply use water jugs. Hold one in each hand and lift them over your head, then walk from one end of your apartment to the next. If that’s not possible, walk around in your room. The point is your exerting effort and that means your burning fat. If two jugs are too heavy use just one and use both hands to hold it over your head. Yes, that’s another five minutes.
Now once you’re done with that watch a Seinfeld re-run or something cause you are done. Sure, you won’t get huge muscles doing this but it’s a decent workout, it’s pretty quick, cheap and you body will know you just busted your ass. Plus, rich people won’t petition to have this taken away.
Joe is the co-host of the Skeptiles podcast, star of his own YouTube channel and a stand up comedian, in other words, he’s horribly poor. You can follow him on Twitter @JoeLewisdixon where he can bore you or offend you depending upon your preference.
Joe got superhuman before in the DC/Marvel Mating Mash-up!