No Weapon Could Kill Him; but Shame Did

View Comments
"Clothes just get in the way of my ass-kicking."

“Clothes just get in the way of my ass-kicking.”

960250_703321939687678_299353118_n Karl Smallwood
Karl Smallwood is the head writer, researcher and all round gopher of...
Read More

The only reason “Stone-cold badass” isn’t in the dictionary is because said dictionary would be 8 feet thick due to how many times Dioxippus’ name would be written beneath that entry. Also because it’s more than one word, duh.

Dioxippus is perhaps the single most famous pankratiast in history. Why? Well Dioxippus was so feared he won an Olympic event by default purely because no one dared step to him in combat. To date, he is the only Olympian in history to win this way without being considered a coward.

Being a pankratiast, Dioxippus was a liver-kicking, rib-shattering face-crusher. He was like fighting Shao Kahn on hard mode with the controller you always gave to that one kid you didn’t like. His skill was such that he’s one of the few people in the world who swatted flies by putting them in a leg lock. Dioxippus removed his clothes by letting them tap out.

To this day Dioxippus’ victories are still held in high regard by the closest thing we’ll ever have to modern pankratiasts, MMA fighters. Because when a guy wins a fight through fear, you either worship him or risk having your soul dropkicked from the heavens.

Perhaps Dioxippus’ most famous victory came at the 336 B.C. Olympic games, where he strolled into the arena and was immediately crowned the victor because not one person there had the balls to face him. This kind of victory was known as akoniti, for the most part this kind of victory was considered worthless, Dioxippus is the sole exception because his victory didn’t come through luck or his opponents not being there. It was a pure extension of his skill as a fighter that he didn’t need to fight to prove he was the best. The fact that everyone blatantly refused to risk their collarbones against him only made Dioxippus seem more badass–a feat many scientists of the day deemed impossible, until they saw him assume his fist form and uppercut Zeus for not making lightning bolts fly from the sky every time he struck a bitchin’ pose.

But Dioxippus’ fighting prowess didn’t just let him best other fighters without trying, it let him best trained soldiers in full combat gear. Another story from Dioxippus’ life takes place in the presence of the–well, great Alexander the Great. Alexander, being a keen supporter of pankration, had great zeal for Dioxippus and invited him over to drink wine, eat meat and regale his soldiers with tales of all the fights he’d not fought in but still won.

During the meal one of Alexander’s more stupid soldiers chastised Dioxippus, even though the pankrateer (that’s got to be a word, right?) was responsible for more broken bones than the kama sutra. The soldier, known as Corrhagus, wasn’t impressed by Dioxippus and challenged him to a battle. Alexander sensibly tried to calm his men, but once word was out that Dioxippus was going to fight one of the finest soldiers Alexander had at his command, the crowd went approximately “all kinds of ape$#!+.”

When the time came for battle, Corrhagus walked into the arena in full battle garb carrying a spear, sword and shield all while decked head to toe in bronze to the excited cheers of his men. Only to see Dioxippus stood stark bollock naked and oiled to nines at the opposite end of the arena waiting for him. That’s right, Dioxippus fought a heavily armed, highly trained soldier naked. We’d say he had balls but from the mental image you have right now, you know that as well as we do.

Corrhagus, unperturbed by the free-swinging, pendulous dong of Dioxippus threw a javelin (which the fully naked Dioxippus dodged with ease) and charged with his spear, which was immediately shattered by a blow from the club Dioxippus was carrying. Now all known literature states it was an actual physical club, but going by what we know about Dioxippus at this point, it could have just as easily been his penis he tried to beat Corrhagus to death with.

Oblivious to the fact that 50% of the weapons of death he’d  thrown at Dioxippus had shattered into a million pieces, Corrhagus swung a sword at Dioxippus, only to be thrown to the ground by an oily hurricane of muscle. After roughly throwing Corrhagus to the floor, Dioxippus then put his foot on his neck and…

spared his life. Because that’s what heroes do.

Unbelievably after having his ass handed to him by a naked man, Corrhagus was a little upset and in return for Dioxippus sparing his life, Corrhagus framed him for theft, placing a small golden cup in his room.

Despite the fact Dioxippus spent the majority of his time in Alexander’s mansion both naked and being watched by hundreds of people, this blatant frame-up worked and out of shame Dioxippus took his own life. Confirming what many had suspected all along, the only thing that could kill Dioxippus was Dioxippus.


Karl Smallwood is a freelance comedy writer you can hire! His work has been featured on Cracked, Toptenz and Gunaxin. You should probably click those links to make sure he isn’t lying. He also runs his own website where he responds to the various pieces of hate-mail he’s gotten over the years, in fact, he got so much hate-mail that he wrote a book about it that you can buy on Amazon. When he isn’t writing, Karl also Tweets and uploads pictures of himself drinking on Facebook.

Karl recently chronicled The $5000 Gold Payday that Killed the World’s Best Wrestler.

The best thing to come out of Turkey since stuffing.

The best thing to come out of Turkey since stuffing.

View Comments
blog comments powered by Disqus
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 2,521 other followers