Our Predictions for the 2014 Baseball Season
Say gang, don’t you love sports? Me too! I like it when the multi-millionaire with a club hits a leather orb and the it somehow says something about America and our relationships with our dads. Anyway, last year, we put together a comprehensive list of all the “odds” of baseball (“odd,” in this case, also meaning “peculiar” or “strange” because jokes!) and we thought, what the hey, let’s do it again this year! So without further ado, here are some things you can bet on.*
*We probably can’t legally say this and our writers neither professional bookmakers nor particularly talented with numbers. Much like Ouija boards, psychics, and the entire lineup on TLC, this should be for entertainment purposes only.
Here we go!
That’s…not really a question. But the answer is still “yes.” If you’re a fan of, say, the Royals, Padres, or another non-headline-stealing team, get ready to be force-fed Derek Jeter like it was ipecac syrup and you’re a golden retriever that just ate Gram Gram’s engagement ring. For the entire year, we’ll hear saccharine stories about a man who ostensibly watches highlights of himself in the nude. About how he’s a true competitor and an all time great Yankee and etc. etc. blah blah blah. “Yeah Jeets” indeed.
Odds of America Falling in Love with Hank the Dog?
D’aw! Hank! If you’ve never heard of Hank the Dog, he’s this adorable little scamp that wandered into the Milwaukee Brewers” training facility in Phoenix Arizona. Turns out, he had been hit by a car, too. So, the Brewers patched him up, took him to a vet, and adopted him as the unofficial team mascot. Hank is now slated to be at most of the Brewers home games, where he’ll hang out with fans, attend the sausage race, and more. What a cute little fella. My heart is melted.
Odds–2:1, because there are still some pockets of evil in this stupid country.
Odds of Bryce Harper Making it Through the Season Without a Concussion?
Wunderkind of both the baseball diamond and bro-inspired quotes, Bryce Harper has a weeeeeee tiny problem with getting concussed. In fact, it almost happened already this year. There’s no way his noggin remains unscathed until October.
Odds of the Houston Astros Winning the World Series?
Uh. Uhhhh. UHHHHHH.
Odds–223:1? I guess?
Odds of Mike Trout and Miguel Cabrera Being Compared to Each Other All Season?
Most people think that Cabrera’s contract was outrageous. Most people think that Mike Trout’s contract was justified and a-ok. I think I’m going to take a nap.
Odds of Yasiel Puig Maintaining a Calm and Level Head All Season
Yasiel Puig is very talented but also very bratty. Will he be a solid, team player all year long? I’m sorry. I just don’t see it happening.
Odds of the New York Post Desperately Trying to Make a Pun Off the Word “Puigilist”?
Oh yeah. It’s going down.
Odds of the Replay System Causing Temper Tantrums and Headaches Rather Than Solutions and Sound Calls?
Pretty good. For as steeped in tradition as baseball is, the idea of introducing new technology feels like it’s asking for trouble, much like how introducing cybernetics into the slain body of Alex Murphy–thereby making him RoboCop – led to nothing short of a moral quagmire.
Odds of the one Red Sox Fan in Your Office Making Life a Total Nightmare?
Hi! Hey there. Red Sox fan here. But you know what? It doesn’t matter. It’s an absolute guarantee that, despite winning three World Series Championships in 9 years, they’re going to be nervous wrecks around August. I understand the scorn. I’m also not doing anything to ameliorate it.
Odds of Someone Dying of a Heart Attack at a Texas Rangers Game?
Considering that one of their new dishes is, quote, “24 inches of flat bread quesadilla topped with Nolan Ryan brisket” should tell you everything you need to know. The truly terrifying part? They mean brisket literally made out of the meat of Hall of Fame pitcher Nolan Ryan. Better act fast, though–they can only make like three total.
Odds of You Getting Front Row Tickets to Jete’s Last Game, Getting Drunk Off of Moonshine Served by 1996-era Carmen Electra Just Seconds Before Wolfgang Van Halen Parachutes Down to Give You a High Five And–LOOK OUT! Foul Ball! You Caught It. And it Just Happens to be Signed By Your Favorite Player! TED WILLIAMS? H-How is That Possible?? Then a Sandwich Just Sort of Appears.
In a cold, unforgiving universe ruled by chaos, anything is possible.
Brian Cullen really, really enjoys robots but doesn’t understand how they work. He also enjoys drinking beers, and has a pretty solid understanding of how that works. You can read about his musings about both on Twitter @BucketCullen.
Brian applied his Nostradomian abilities with astonishing success to last year’s Predictions for the 2013 Baseball Season.