During the early 2000s, I spent three long, miserable working for what many consider (and with good reason) to be the absolute worst company in the world. People in depressed areas might know it as “the mall.” You probably know it as Walmart.
Yes, I was one of the unfortunates who spent far too long working for Big Blue, and it was easily the worst work experience I’ve ever had in my professional career. However, even the worst jobs need to have a silver lining, some kind of bright spot in an otherwise colorless void. Needless to say, in my case, it was people watching.
The absolute biggest benefit of working at Walmart is you see not only just about every type of person on the planet, but damn near any situation you can think of that can actually happen in real life will happen there. I’m talking about a subject everyone loves (save for Mickey Rooney): sex.
And it all begins with…
NEPOTISM AND OFFICE DATING
Now, I know dating happens in pretty much every type of job out there. It’s unavoidable, especially if you’re working in a place with a staff of 20 or more people, like a restaurant. However, when you’re working for a company like Walmart, where one branch alone may have as many as 400 people working for it at any given time, it’s even more prevalent. In my own experience, I couldn’t turn around without bumping into someone who was either dating/married to someone else in the store, or at the very least had at some point.
One example in particular was my manager in the Electronics department. She didn’t date anyone in the store (that I can recall, at least), but she was still not immune. As it so happened, both her son and daughter worked there as well. While I don’t remember much about her daughter, I do recall that her son had the tendency to lay more pipe than the Mario Brothers. He dated at least three other staff members during my time there, with several people that he had been plowing most every female in the store since he was hired before I came aboard.
By the time I left, he had dumped all three of those women (with two of them being department managers themselves), and had moved onto another one (yet another department manager), then finally cooled off when he realized he had knocked the last one up. And this is just one example. This kind of stuff happened all the time, with more department managers either dating or married to each other than I could count.
Of course, when talking about sex in the workplace, this is somewhat mild compared to honest-to-goodness sex in the store…
HONEST-TO-GOODNESS SEX IN THE STORE
Although I didn’t witness some of the “juicier” encounters in the store (I feel dirty just typing that), that’s not to say I missed everything. One of the best stories I remember was towards the end of my time there.
A friend I worked with in the one-hour photo department (more on that in a moment) had just clocked in and reported to me that a couple was having sex in one of the clothing departments. Not only that, but they were doing it vertically on one of the display racks. I figured she was just messing with me, then headed up towards the front to get my till for the day. As I headed up, not only did several other people stop me to report on this public sex fest, but I happened to walk down the aisle where it reportedly was happening.
Sure enough, there they were, a dude plowing into his girlfriend against this display like they were two passengers going down (heh-heh) on the Titanic. What’s even better is that they not only seemed to be completely oblivious to the world around them, but actually seemed to get off on the spectacle. They kept going at it until they finished, then high-tailed it the hell out of there before security could have them arrested.
PORN. SO MUCH PORN
As I said in the last entry, I worked in the one-hour photo department as one of my duties at Walmart. Honestly, this was probably the most enjoyable period I had during my time with the company. Honestly, learning how to develop photos was enjoyable, as photography has always been an interest.
Of course, one of the fun parts was also looking through the photos. Now, before you accuse me of being some voyeur like Robin Williams in the movie that totally made his career, One-Hour Photo, let me be clear that looking through photos was actually part of the job. For those that don’t know, Walmart has a strict “No Nudity” policy in terms of photo developing, so our jobs were to go through the photos and destroy any that featured nudity or porn, then slip a note into the envelope to more or less let people know we saw them naked.
Needless to say, despite this being somewhat common knowledge, we ran across porn in the photos CONSTANTLY.
And when I say “porn,” I’m not exaggerating when what I really mean is basic nudity; no, we got full-on, hardcore, amateur porn of damn near every type you can imagine. Voyeurism, BDSM, straight porn, gay porn, cross-dressing, Big Beautiful Women worshippers, you name it (thankfully no bestiality, though).
I recall an entire roll of a girl who looked barely legal performing fellatio on a man passed-out drunk on a couch. That’s 20+ pictures of a girl going down on someone that doesn’t even know it.
Inevitably I ran across photos of people I knew, and sometimes grew up with. One girl who went to my high school, knowingly aware that she went to school with several staff members of the store, dropped off a roll of her having sex with her girlfriend, and was completely stunned that we not only saw them, but that she only got the negatives back and would have to take them elsewhere for printing. Even better was a girl who actually worked at the store, whose roll consisted of her having drunken sex with another female employee. It’s one thing if the customers aren’t aware of the store’s policies; it’s another when the employees know full what goes on in the place and still pull off stupid mistakes like these.
Next time on Dustin’s Tales of Walmart Stuff: “Come and see the violence inherent in the system”
Dustin Nichols is a freelance writer, most notably seen on Camel Clutch Blog, where he has reviewed nearly every single episode of WWE Smackdown since mid-2011. He also reviews TNA Impact every week, because he is a complete masochist and wants to save you the pain. When not busy writing new dialogue for the show Castle in his head, he can also be seen on The Geek Link where he discusses games and his obsession with Firefly. You can follow him on Twitter, look at his Facebook page, or even hire him as your personal trainer. Yep, he’s fit, too.
Dustin also revealed the Four Questions You Inevitably Get Living Straight Edge