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Tales from Walmart: Sex in Aisle 12

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Neat trick: If you borrow Roddy Piper's sunglasses, this sign transforms to say "OBEY."

Neat trick: If you borrow Roddy Piper’s sunglasses, this sign transforms to say “OBEY.”

biosize Dustin Nichols
Dustin Nichols is a freelance writer, most notably seen on Camel...
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During the early 2000s, I spent three long, miserable working for what many consider (and with good reason) to be the absolute worst company in the world. People in depressed areas might know it as “the mall.” You probably know it as Walmart.

Yes, I was one of the unfortunates who spent far too long working for Big Blue, and it was easily the worst work experience I’ve ever had in my professional career. However, even the worst jobs need to have a silver lining, some kind of bright spot in an otherwise colorless void. Needless to say, in my case, it was people watching.

The absolute biggest benefit of working at Walmart is you see not only just about every type of person on the planet, but damn near any situation you can think of that can actually happen in real life will happen there. I’m talking about a subject everyone loves (save for Mickey Rooney): sex.

And it all begins with…

NEPOTISM AND OFFICE DATING

Now, I know dating happens in pretty much every type of job out there. It’s unavoidable, especially if you’re working in a place with a staff of 20 or more people, like a restaurant. However, when you’re working for a company like Walmart, where one branch alone may have as many as 400 people working for it at any given time, it’s even more prevalent. In my own experience, I couldn’t turn around without bumping into someone who was either dating/married to someone else in the store, or at the very least had at some point.

One example in particular was my manager in the Electronics department. She didn’t date anyone in the store (that I can recall, at least), but she was still not immune. As it so happened, both her son and daughter worked there as well. While I don’t remember much about her daughter, I do recall that her son had the tendency to lay more pipe than the Mario Brothers. He dated at least three other staff members during my time there, with several people that he had been plowing most every female in the store since he was hired before I came aboard.

By the time I left, he had dumped all three of those women (with two of them being department managers themselves), and had moved onto another one (yet another department manager), then finally cooled off when he realized he had knocked the last one up. And this is just one example. This kind of stuff happened all the time, with more department managers either dating or married to each other than I could count.

Of course, when talking about sex in the workplace, this is somewhat mild compared to honest-to-goodness sex in the store…

NEXT: Honest-to-goodness sex in the store

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