The New Manly Holidays

When it comes to holidays, it’s fair to say that men don’t always get the recognition that they deserve. Sure there are the few that can be geared towards guys, but they aren’t always up to a reasonable par. Father’s day is nice, but not everyone is a father and not everyone enjoys getting a new tie that day. The 4th of July works, but that’s more about the country. Where are the Valentine’s Days for guys? Scratch that. What if guys were just put in control of new holidays geared towards awesome guy stuff?

Cinco De Mustache

The unitard is optional, but the belt is not.

The unitard is optional, but the belt is not.

Instead of a new Cinco de Mayo in May, this event would come February 5th and last all the way until March 5th. Between that time, all men are invited to grow the best mustache they can to give homage to the facial hair greats like firefighters, cops, and Nick Offerman. When you see a gentleman with a mustache during this time, there will be an unspoken rule to buy each other drinks, toast to new friendships, and lie about the good ol’ days.

Lumberjack Octobers

You don't have to carry the axe everywhere, though.

You don’t have to carry the axe everywhere, though.

As the weather starts to change and the ideas of traditional Halloween start repeating, in comes the latest and greatest Holiday. Imagine a month long celebration of manliness. Flannel. Outdoorsmanship. Chopping down trees. Eating flapjacks. Welcome to Lumberjack Octobers, where men can go into the woods with axes, beer, thermals and it’s totally 100% acceptable. No sitting behind a computer screen, no answering phones all day, just a month long trek into the wilderness gorging on jerky and beans. Actual cutting down trees is optional.

Recovery Mondays

Death is no excuse not to party.

Death is no excuse not to party.

Every other Monday the entire year long, a new holiday goes in to effect. No more taking one of the two days given off by work to rest and nurse a hangover, now that is reserved for Mondays. Imagine Sunday becoming another day to live life to its fullest and watch football late into the night without fear of having to get up with the 7am alarm clock.

Recovery Mondays are for sleeping, eating, and gearing up for the new 4 day work week. The best part? This would be a nationally recognized paid holiday. It would come at no cost to annual salary. Also, there would be great deals on chicken wings, Gatorade, and cheese fries.

The Triple B (Burgers, Bacon, and Brews)

Or as we call it here: weekdays

Or as we call it here in the Man Cave: weekdays.

Start the new year off correctly. The first Friday of January comes a new, succulent holiday. Forget about the stress of Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, Atheist gift swap, and booking fancy restaurant reservations for a night on the town with your sweetheart come December 31st, this new Holiday entitles men to walk into any sit down restaurant and order a burger with bacon and get a beer at no charge. All of-age males are eligible for this government subsidized initiative. For the more health conscious, veggies burger and soy bacon may be substituted at no additional cost.

And why Fridays? Because what a way to start a weekend that will most likely lead to a recovery Monday.

Free Sports Day

Some of the many tickets you'll be using to travel to the lot and tailgate outside without ever seeing the Super Bowl for yourself.

Some of the many tickets you’ll be using to travel to the lot and tailgate outside without ever seeing the Super Bowl for yourself.

August 1st. The new day to be revered. On this day, it shall be done that every male in the United States of America gets two free tickets to any one sporting event of their choosing. It can be baseball, basketball, football, hockey, MMA, boxing, you name it, the tickets are free to one event.

Choose wisely however, because tickets are limited to availability. If everyone guns for the Superbowl, not everyone will get tickets. However the clause is that people will not be able to get tickets to the same event two years in a row. Just because tickets sell out one year doesn’t mean the next year won’t open up.

Since there are thousands potential events to choose from, indulge in the simple pleasure of taking your son, spouse, best friend, or new friend to a sports game to cheer on the the pride and joy of your city. Take the night for yourself, you’ve earned it. This just in! Recovery Mondays have been extended to every Monday from now until forever. You’re welcome.


Tyler Paterson is a Chicago native that tours the country with his comedy band. He loves ghost hunting and writing music. But not writing music about ghost hunting. Tyler probed into some real holiday magic with Show Us Your Voodoo!

Do you do that voodoo, boo?

Do you do that voodoo, boo?

More from W. Tyler Paterson
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