You think you have it rough out there working 9-to-5 developing the next app that successfully identifies the closest happy hour with an open parking space out front? Think you deserve a day off for all the sweat and tears that you’ve poured into raising your four kids who all operate their own iPads while under the age of 5? Considered asking for a promotion after years of dedication at the internship you’ve had since you graduated from college seven years ago?
Don’t waste your time. The important work is being done behind closed doors by the owners and coaches of the real Americans — NFL coaches and owners. They’re spending hours a year considering which players will enhance their million dollar markets this May. And you, well you get to watch and judge their choices. But why not contribute a little yourself? Take a shot at drafting your own players with the only kind of draft that matters: the one with a “gh.’
THE 2014 NFL DRAUGHT BEER GUIDE
If you’re goin’ JADEVEON CLOWNEY (DE, South Carolina), try flowin’ Tactical Nuclear Penguin (BrewDog)
This beer is a once-in-a-lifetime prospect for your Untappd app. Log this one in for an explosion of alcoholic aromas and flavors with a strong 32% ALC backbone. The jury is out as to whether this beer is worth the steep going rate–averaging over $100 for a 375ml bottle but could be a game changer for sure. This beer is definitely a number one pick. Or a top five. Or somewhere up there…depending on who you ask.
If you’re singin’ GREG ROBINSON (OT, Auburn), try slingin’ Shambolic (Tired Hands Brewing Co.)
This imposing and impressive saison is a combination of many greats. Its raw hops flavors tackle tastebuds for dominance with every sip. Bulldoze your left side with citrusy notes that come prepared to impress. Any issues you may have with this bad boy come may stem a lack of practice, not ability to please.
If you’re huggin’ JAKE MATTHEWS (OT, Texas A&M), try muggin’ Mongo IPA (Port Brewing)
Perfect on paper, this highly humble 8.5% IPA is an understated delight. Full bodied and strong, Mongo has potential to be a top runner on anyone’s list but often gets downgraded to a risk takers surprising favorite. Well-concealed. this IPA will be a surprising but rewarding pick for anyone with a desire for a strong beer team member.
If you’re adorin’ BLAKE BORTLES (QB, Central Florida), try pourin’ Loose Cannon (Heavy Seas)
Something about picking up a beer that’s well intentioned just feels so right. Heavy Seas is a brew co that’s committed to giving back…maybe not in a “pay off your brothers” college debt” kind of way, but a “save the environment” mantra works just as well. They partner with viable 501(c)3s to make a difference in the world. And of course, they’ve got a few fine flavors to contribute as well.
If you’re invenstin’ in KHALIL MACK (OLB, Buffalo), try ingestin’ Heady Topper (The Alchemist)
Heady Topper is a beer with a low risk factora.k.a. a guaranteed feel good pick. It even has a near-perfect rating on BeerAdvocate.com! The Alchemist raises the IPA bar in, well, bars all around the United States with this American Double people that doesn’t need to be your top pick to earn the reputation it holds. Try it once and reap the benefits of this complex mouthful that packs a hoppy punch!
If you’re lushin’ TEDDY BRIDGEWATER (QB, Louisville), try crushin’ Altbier Amber Ale (Bluegrass Brewing Co.)
Altbier Amber Ale is a Louisville, KY born, bred, and brewed baby worth bringing home and putting your money on.
If you’re rootin’ JOHNNY MANZIEL (QB, Texas A&M), try salutin’ Anchor California Lager (Anchor Brewing Co.)
This classic American pilsner is an instant classic worthy of a trademarkable nickname. It’s earthy undertones and fruity esters create a desirable treat for your taste buds. Models of all shapes and sizes, but mostly by the book perfect shapes and sizes, just can’t resist such a wonderfully secure flavor. Watch out classic traditional-style lagers, there’s a new full-flavored American pilsner in town…and it’s being photographed leaving bars all over the ol” US of A with hot chicks.
If you’re pickin’ ZACK MARTIN (T-G-C, Notre Dame), try sippin’ Rudy’s Kung Fu Grip (Nodding Head Brewery)
At a strong 11%, this American Ale is a clean prospect for your pint glass. With a small head and full body, this ale hides it’s high alcohol content with a fruity aftertaste. If anything, this beer will have you yellin” “Rudy!” in no time.
And lastly, if you’re shoutin’ JAMEIS WINSTON (QB, Florida), try scoutin’ any free beer.
Pale Ales, IPAs, Hefes, Lagers…Everything tastes better without tax. Any run of the mill brew on the shelf can become an All-American classic with a five Finger Discount!
Crab Grab one today and catch the 2014 NFL Draft starting Thursday, May 6th.
Rachel Roderman is a writer and comedian based in Los Angeles by way of NJ. She wrote the webisode Coco & Ruby and contributes to HelloGiggles.com, both of which are the exact opposite of this website. Follow her on Twitter @rachelroderman.
Rachel previously looked to the pros in Draft Players with Draft Beer.