Hey sports fans! Draft Day is upon us, so we thought we’d drink our way through it, one round at a time. Remember–the draft itself takes place over three days long, so it’s a good thing we’ve got a maladjusted sense of self worth and a 24-hour bodega across the street. So grab a beer, and without further ado–here are the rules for Draught Day!
TAKE ONE DRINK:
- Every time Michael Sam’s name is mentioned outside of the context of Roger Goodell announcing his actual drafting
- Every time time the name “Jadeveon Clowney” is mentioned
- Every time Johnny Manziel is compared to Tim Tebow
- Every time you realize that she really meant it this time, and Karen really isn’t coming back
- Every time a talented player starts to fall in the draft, and he gets compared to Aaron Rodgers
- Every time a quarterback gets taken in a late round, and he gets compared to Tom Brady or Russell Wilson
DRINK HALF A BEER
- Every time you see a terribly tacky suit
- Every time the announcers try to respectfully and intelligently discuss Michael Sam, but instead, accidentally put their feet right in their mouths
- Every time you get an email from work wondering where you’ve been the last two days
- Every time the announcers praise the Patriots‘ draft strategy, even though, for the life of you, you can’t comprehend it
- Every time classically bad teams like the Lions or Browns make classically bad draft decisions.
- Every time you check Karen’s Facebook page. Wait, who the f*** is Joshua??
DRINK A FULL BEER
- After the completion of Day 1. Gotta finish strong!
- At the start of Day 2. Gotta start strong!
- When you realize just how quiet your apartment is. Huh. Quiet and empty, now that half the stuff is gone.
- Whenever the announcers wonder if a player is “the next _______________.”
- Why is mom calling? Pfft. *Ignore*
SHOTGUN A BEER
- Every time a player from your alma mater/favorite team gets drafted
- At the end of Day 2. Gotta finish strong! Again!
- At the beginning of Day 3. Hey, Sunday Funday, right? Haha. Wheeeee!
- Karen…oh Jesus Christ, Karen…why?
TAKE A SHOT
- Before, after, and during the act of listening to Death Cab for Cutie’s Summer Skin.
- What the- is that work again? Jesus. I just need a personal day, ok? I know the draft ended yesterday. Just…just GIVE ME A SECOND.
- Oh God, what am I going to do without football? Preseason starts when? August!? Oh no. No no no, God, please, no. Come on. Please. God. Please. Someone. Please.
OH, JUST DRINK THE WHOLE DAMN BOTTLE
- *Quiet sobbing*
TAKE ONE DRINK
- After rewinding your DVR and starting over. Sounds like a “Staycation” to me! Wheeeeee!
Brian Cullen really, really enjoys robots but doesn’t understand how they work. He also enjoys drinking beers, and has a pretty solid understanding of how that works. You can read about his musings about both on Twitter @BucketCullen.
Brian was a lot more sober when he cast Our Predictions for the 2014 Baseball Season.