Draft Day? No, Draught Day!

Our drinking game succeeded a little too well...

Hey sports fans! Draft Day is upon us, so we thought we’d drink our way through it, one round at a time. Remember–the draft itself takes place over three days long, so it’s a good thing we’ve got a maladjusted sense of self worth and a 24-hour bodega across the street. So grab a beer, and without further ado–here are the rules for Draught Day!


  • Every time Michael Sam’s name is mentioned outside of the context of Roger Goodell announcing his actual drafting
  • Every time time the name “Jadeveon Clowney” is mentioned
  • Every time Johnny Manziel is compared to Tim Tebow
  • Every time you realize that she really meant it this time, and Karen really isn’t coming back
  • Every time a talented player starts to fall in the draft, and he gets compared to Aaron Rodgers
  • Every time a quarterback gets taken in a late round, and he gets compared to Tom Brady or Russell Wilson



  • Every time you see a terribly tacky suit
  • Every time the announcers try to respectfully and intelligently discuss Michael Sam, but instead, accidentally put their feet right in their mouths
  • Every time you get an email from work wondering where you’ve been the last two days
  • Every time the announcers praise the Patriots‘ draft strategy, even though, for the life of you, you can’t comprehend it
  • Every time classically bad teams like the Lions or Browns make classically bad draft decisions.
  • Every time you check Karen’s Facebook page. Wait, who the f*** is Joshua??


Next: Drink a full beer when….


  • After the completion of Day 1. Gotta finish strong!
  • At the start of Day 2. Gotta start strong!
  • When you realize just how quiet your apartment is. Huh. Quiet and empty, now that half the stuff is gone.
  • Whenever the announcers wonder if a player is “the next _______________.”
  • Why is mom calling? Pfft. *Ignore*



  • Every time a player from your alma mater/favorite team gets drafted
  • At the end of Day 2. Gotta finish strong! Again!
  • At the beginning of Day 3. Hey, Sunday Funday, right? Haha. Wheeeee!
  • Karen…oh Jesus Christ, Karen…why?


Next: Drink till your drunk texts to Karen believably resemble pocket dials


  • Before, after, and during the act of listening to Death Cab for Cutie’s Summer Skin.
  • What the- is that work again? Jesus. I just need a personal day, ok? I know the draft ended yesterday. Just…just GIVE ME A SECOND.
  • Oh God, what am I going to do without football? Preseason starts when? August!? Oh no. No no no, God, please, no. Come on. Please. God. Please. Someone. Please.


  • *Quiet sobbing*


  • After rewinding your DVR and starting over. Sounds like a “Staycation” to me! Wheeeeee!

Brian Cullen really, really enjoys robots but doesn’t understand how they work. He also enjoys drinking beers, and has a pretty solid understanding of how that works. You can read about his musings about both on Twitter @BucketCullen.

Brian was a lot more sober when he cast Our Predictions for the 2014 Baseball Season.

Photo: Jared Wickerham/Getty Images

Prediction: Big Papi will hit several home runs.

More from Brian Cullen

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