Can Monsterotica Get Any Sillier?

Our research says "Yes! YES! YESSSSSS!"

If you’re anything like me, once upon a time you thought of vampires as one of the kings of monsters; undead royalty that shapeshifted into predators, drank blood and occasionally tempted beautiful women to consider eternal undeath because if you’re going to live forever treating humans as delicious pork products, you want someone sexy to spend eternity with.

Then Twilight came along and reduced Dracula–a fiend named and based on a guy whose name meant “The Dragon” and carried the qualifying title of “The Impaler”–into a sparkling, maudlin, permanent teenager with a taste for plain-Janes who are as “girl power” as June Cleaver. While Anne Rice gets some credit for setting the stage for mopey feelings-vamps who drink animal blood, Stephenie Meyer penned the literary scissors that finally castrated them entirely.

But there is some hope in the world of monsters; thanks to the stage set by Ms Meyer, monster erotica has really taken off. You can browse Amazon and find everything from dino-erotica to sasquatch-erotica. This got me thinking; what other fictional beasts are out there that could be sexified for her pleasure? I’ve compiled a list of some suggestions, as well as sample plots so that maybe some entrepreneurial soul will go make a fortune off the stunted sexuality of even more horse-sweater-wearing girls and deeply ashamed boys.

First up: a beautiful Greek gal

Medusa

For the purposes of erotica, we can roll with the idea that Medusa was actually beautiful and just had really dangerous magical eyes and snakes for hair. In case you’re unfamiliar with her, Medusa was a mythological Greek monster-woman who would turn you into stone if you looked at her; now think of all the erotic potential in that concept. Maybe Medusa is a lonely hairstylist, forced to wear sunglasses and a haircap all day so that no one knows her true identity.

Then one day a handsome stranger comes in for a cut, and asks her out. Is it a joke? No, he is interested in her. During their date, she confides that she is a murderous gorgon, but he doesn’t care. They have many passionate, erotic, blindfolded encounters until one day one of her snakes bites him and she pulls off the blindfold to make sure he is okay, and kills him. (Did I mention it was an erotic tragedy?)

Penanggalan

So vampires have been all the rage since Twilight, but the best twists anyone can seem to come up with are “depressed about being undead” and “sparkles in sunlight.” I propose we move eastward for inspiration to the Malaysian penanggalan. They are always female vampires that roam the night for blood. Plenty of erotic potential there. Also, they leave their bodies behind, travelling around as a vampiric woman’s head trailing a tail made of her digestive tract.

In this, the female lead could be like Edward, falling in love with a maudlin, boring plain-Jane of a man (or woman? EROTIC!) until one night a mugger attacks her object of affection. Forced into action, she sheds her human form and arrives just in time to kill the would-be assailant with vampire eviscera powers. Her love is shocked, only to reveal before she leaves in shame, that he has a thing for organs and heads of beautiful women (he could be a serial killer.)

The penanggalan may appeal more to the Anne Rice crowd more,a.k.a. more adult readers who like blood and sex together. And I guess also find that little bag of parts in their Thanksgiving turkey kinda hot.

Kappa

Staying over in the east, we have the Japanese kappa, a frog-legged, turtle-shelled monkey with a head like a bowl and a taste for cucumbers. Right off the bat, I can see a multitude of cucumber metaphors that could work their way into the story, regardless of if the monster is the man or the woman. In the legends of the kappa, if it leans over, the water it keeps in its concave skull pours out and it is dramatically weakened. Like the Medusa up above, this presents some great potential conflict for our beastly protagonist. For one, all their lovemaking would have to be standing.

Imagine lovely Asako, smitten with tales of the watery monkey demon that dwells in the nearby stream. Asako has never known true love, with mortal men finding her too plain to be with (it’s Japan so she’s beautiful, but refuses to dress like a school girl). Armed with cucumbers, she seeks to lure the monster out in the open. Their eyes meet, and it is love at first glance. Their torrid affair lasts for months, and the metaphorical use of cucumbers is graphic.

Passion overtakes good sense near the book’s climax, with the kappa’s head draining. In an intense (and sexy) rush to the stream, he stops her from putting him in the water. He would rather die than not be able to make love to her with abandon. She drops him into the rushing water and makes their lives complete with a snorkel.

Aw, they're actually kinda cute.

Aw, they’re actually kinda cute.

Reptilians

Who says people who believe in Time Cubes and fake moon landings don’t have an erotic side? In a novel that would do David Icke proud, this story would feature a stalwart investigative reporter, following leads that the higher ups in the government and major corporations are actually a race of green-scaled reptilian aliens bent on world domination. In his interviews and wiretaps, he falls in love with the First lady, Hillary Clinton, and John Boehner, all of whom are revealed to be female reptilian overlords.

Confused and afraid, our reporter reluctantly agrees to a lizard-like foursome with the leathery snake-eyed monsters. To his surprise, they are all giving and generous lovers who fulfill his every desire. In an affair that spans months, he gains the trust of the higher reptilian levels, culminating in a story that will shatter the world. His lovers are torn; do they let him break their story and ruin the conspiracy, but save their torrid four way love? Or does their loyalty to the New World Order trump all?

Reptilian Donald Trumps outs him out of jealousy and he is killed, but not before Boehner ensures his story will run, his love for this brave man ultimately changing his heart from that of a lizard person to that of a real human.

Minotaur

This is an erotic fantasy just overflowing with raw masculinity. Born with the head of a bull and a taste for human flesh, the minotaur is an outcast. By day he pretends to be a cow herder, out in the fields, taking care of a thousand head of steer, fighting off rustlers and trying to sublimate his taste for man meat.

One night, a lost waif of a woman finds him. Scared and alone, she is at first terrified by the huge man with a cow head. But reason and lust overwhelm Minotaur’s urge to consume the woman, and he offers her a place by his fire and his protection. During the night, they are set upon by wolves, which he fights off while the young woman placates the steer so they don’t stampede. Minotaur is injured, and as she tends to his wounds, the two engage in passionate lovemaking that lasts several chapters and makes several mentions of his bull meat and mountain oysters.

After a meaningful week together with a lot (and I mean A LOT) of erotics boning, Minotaur takes the woman to the edge of his range to return to the real world; his world is not hers. They part with no tears, both feeling fulfilled after a lifetime of loneliness. From then on, steak becomes erotic inspiration for our heroine.

Bonnacon

The bonnacon was supposedly an asian bison that sprayed powerful, burning acidic dung at pursuers.

On second thought, that’s not terribly ripe for eroticism and probably more the realm of the kind of perverts we don’t want to acknowledge here.

Cthulhu’s Star Spawn

While the Elder God himself is probably a bit big to include in an erotic novel, his Star Spawn, which are large but more or less human sized versions of the Great Old One himself. Being large, demonic, tentacled horrors, they have a built-in appeal to the Hentai market, and lend themselves to wordy, overwrought Lovecraftian descriptions.

Perhaps a beautiful cultist performs a ceremony one night to get revenge on a lover that spurned her. After performing the rite at the apex of a gibbous moon, the loathsome blubbery beast from sunken R’Lyeh appears, ready to perform her vile duty. But he is unable to leave, consumed with overwhelming lust after seeing her in the bright moonlight in her lacy Cthulhu robes. Seeing the look in his eyes and tentacled face, she sees an opportunity to get closer to her God than she ever imagined.

Much eldritch horror and embracing takes place in the night, and when the sun appears on the horizon, the star spawn leaves his love’s side to murder the callous wretch that betrayed her. He is not sad as he returns to the sunken depths of Mighty Cthulhu’s sunken city, knowing she could and would summon him again from the depths when she grew hungry once again for his vile love.

Ghouls

In the world of the undead, why should vampires have all the fun? Sure, they don’t resemble cannibalistic rotting bodies, but hey, Warm Bodies was made so here we are. In folklore and pop culture, ghouls are ravenous undead monsters that devour the living. In our story, a twisted lover spends her nights feeding her ghoul-man the bodies of those who slight her, and then they drink wine and have erotic nights of ghoulish sex.

When the police get close to discovering who is murdering men in the night and eating their bodies, the two go into hiding in the city’s sewers. She is caught and sent to jail, where she is forced to have several deliciously erotic encounters with other female inmates for the pleasure of a corrupt warden.
One night, a riot breaks out, and in the confusion, her ghoulish love sneaks in and rescues her. She is fatally shot by a guard before they can escape fully, and her man gives her his greatest gift; a new life as his ghoul bride. They escape into the tunnels, but not before capturing the warden. They enjoy him and each other in the book’s closing lines.


David is a web developer, writer and walking slapstick routine. He is an enthusiast of science, beer and food and wishes he’d made better choices regarding all 3 when he was younger. He makes up science news at SciTechGadget and can be found rambling on twitter @Vodstok.

Put down that book and go get some real-afterlife action with the undead in The Pickup Artist’s Guide to Monsters!

Dudebro, how bad do you want to break off a piece of th--AH GOD A PIECE OF HER BROKE OFF!!

Dudebro, how bad do you want to break off a piece of th–AH GOD A PIECE OF HER BROKE OFF!!

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