If Summer Blockbusters Were People at the Beach

Ah summer time. The season of barbecue, beach houses, and boardwalks. Of babes, boats, and beers. And most importantly, of bright lights. Whether they be from our galaxy’s closest star; one so powerful and awe inspiring that it rays threaten to melt the entirety of the planet, sending us into a new Ice Age where the few survivors live like fish trapped beneath the water’s surface. Or… they’re from Hollywood. Movies, yay! As the season of the summer blockbuster is already off to an impressive start–with the likes of Godzilla and X-Men already tearing up the record books–let’s take a look at what else Hollywood has to offer in the next couple months. And don’t worry if you’re not a movie-goer in the warmer months, this article has something for everyone. As long as they speak English and like potty humor. So… everyone cool. Without further ado, we present blockbusters by the way of beach-goers. A quick refresh on the movies or people you’ll definitely see in 2014.

Edge of Tomorrow

Release Date: June 6th
What You Need to Know:

It’s Tom Cruise, the plot of Groundhog Day, and an alien invasion. And somehow it looks like one of the most developed plots this summer has to offer. Also, it’s not a sequel or remake, so watching it counts as an act of culture and class. Like going to a museum, or trying to bone a chick at an art show.

a.k.a. Warhammer, the Movie

a.k.a. Warhammer, the Movie

Beach Doppleganger: The Pre-Teen Who Won’t Sit Down

To call them a ball of energy, would be too simplistic. This kid is like… the bus from Speed. As soon as he hits the edge of the sand (55 MPH) he can’t stop. He won’t stop. He’ll throw his towel on or next to his family (shoot the bus driver) and immediately rush off to the waves. He’ll kick, punch, and body slam them until a normal human’s heart would explode and rush back up to the beach. But instead of sitting down (losing the lady from Donnie Darko to the highway) he’ll chug a juice, throw a ball around, build a sand castle, and lose his head while fighting on top of a subway car. I’m sorry, I really got mixed up here. The point is this film is in constant motion. It’s action and excitement from start to finish. Edge Of Tomorrow seems to offer the same thing. With a potentially resurgent Tom Cruise–whose strung together some decent to good films with Oblivion and Jack Reacher–this could be a great movie. Still, by foregoing a true plot, and possibly relying too hard on the gimmick of time travel and “battles!”–this could be a big let down. I’m leaning towards sleeper hit, but you never know what energetic kid at the beach will do. He could run all day, and sleep like an angel in the car. Or he could have a heart attack on the beach, and (hopefully not) sleep like an angel in the ambulance.

22 Jump Street

Release Date: June 13th
What You Need to Know:

Tatum and Hill return as two detectives who must go undercover at a college to infiltrate an elaborate and previously untouchable drug ring. Because at “A COLLEGE” is definitely where the most threatening and potentially devastating drug operation is happening. Not in Colombia, or in drug-ravaged Baltimore or New Mexico, but the Crappa Tau Delta Frat House at UC Twerkely.

Capitalizing on a prior property without having anything to actually do with it...wasn't that Godzilla's schtick?

Capitalizing on a prior property without having anything to actually do with it…wasn’t that Godzilla‘s schtick?

Beach Doppleganger: The Underaged Kid Drinking on the Beach

There are two ways to spot this kid on the beach. One, he’s constantly drinking from a Gatorade or soda bottle, but pausing with intensity before each labored swig. Partially because he holds reverence for the alcohol he’s about to consume, mainly because Gatorade and $8.99 rum didn’t taste great to start, and CERTAINLY don’t taste great after the sun has heated it up to 102 degrees. Two (and the more likely of the cases), this kid will be the loudest on the beach. He’ll be “hollering” at young ladies, blaring ridiculous music from the imploding speakers of an I-Phone, and cursing like a sailor next to six and eight year olds. Except of course for when a beach police cruiser come strolling by, or he stops back over at the cooler. Then suddenly his eyes dart around like a Viet Cong lookout, and his body is hunched over the re-filling cup like a caveman around a fire. 22 Jump Street will be as loud, as tactless, and–in at least reference to the plot–as stupid as our underaged friend. But in the end, the nostalgia; the knowledge that you were and possibly still are that beach drinking idiot, will stop you from totally hating him. And honestly, boobs, fart jokes, and explosions? Yeah, you’ll love it.

Transformers 4: Age of Extinction

Release Date: June 27th
What You Need to Know:

Threatened again by an interstellar foe we’re ill-equipped to fight, the world turns to its most logical protector: a sword-wielding truckbot who now rides a giant, metallic dinosaur. Oh, and Mark Wahlberg too. Because at this point, screw it.

Transformers: Age of BOOM! POW! SPLODE!

Transformers: Age of BOOM! POW! SPLODE!

Beach Doppleganger: The “No, I Don’t Need Sunscreen” Guy

Every time, in EVERY group, there is always one person who for some reason chooses not to put on sunscreen. Now I don’t mean those lucky enough to have naturally darker skin, or those people who find themselves fortunate enough to safely tan with little or no protection. I mean the absurdly white–almost positively Irish–guy who gets burned EVERY year, and still ignores the benefits and protection of sunscreen. Sometimes he’s just too tired to be bothered. Other times he– through an extremely scientific process of staring at the sky for 45 seconds–decides he won’t need it today. Sometimes he’s working on a base tan, and other times he’s “got some on” from the beach trip two days earlier. Even after prodding–or caring critique once he has started to already burn–he cannot, nay will not, be bothered by protecting himself. He is caught in a loop of perpetual stupidity. Transformers 4 is that same conundrum. Man finds car, car is robot, robot car fights robots, man loves robot car, robot car wins. It is the same movie, it was 10 years ago. It’s Malibu Stacey with a new hat. Through stubbornness and stupidity, it continues on. And if you’re dumb enough to enter the loop, you’re going to get burned. Oh, I tied that together real nice!

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

Release Date: July 11th
What You Need to Know:

Years after the events of the first (okay, eighth technically but whose counting?) film, we return to San Francisco. There, the colony of apes confronts a virus-ravaged group of human survivors and the real battle begins. Who will lose? Hollywood, or the audience’s “willing suspension of disbelief”?

Guys, we've had our fun, but it's time to stop letting Hollywood think anyone wants to see more Planet of the Apes.

Guys, we’ve had our fun, but it’s time to stop letting Hollywood think anyone wants to see more Planet of the Apes.

Beach Doppleganger: Old Lady in Sun Hat and SPF 225

As much as I dislike Hollywood’s tendencies to reboot and re-do any movie that has ever been created, I find it difficult to hate this film’s predecessor–Rise of the Planet of the Apes. It got competent actors, strung together at least the makings of a believable (or really, interesting) plot, and tried to give us more than “Welp, now the apes are our masters.” It wasn’t Citizen Kane, but it was nuanced and creative. At the very least, I hated it less than I should have. For Hollywood, that’s an A+ effort. It’s sequel looks to be doing the same thing. It got a very solid actor in Gary Oldman, and the trailer shows that there is more of a plot then ape on human war. And with thousands of Andy Serkis apes running around, you know there will be emotion and drama. Because NO ONE throws feces at a wall like Andy Serkis. Still, beyond all of that, you just have to say, “Realllllllyyyyyy? We’re doing this again?” It really is like the old lady covered in sunscreen armor at the beach. They’re smart enough to make sure they’ve made a decent movie (or protected themselves from every ray of cancer the sun might possibly shine), but at the end of the day, did they really need to? Couldn’t they have just stayed the heck home?

Hercules

Release Date: July 25th
What You Need to Know:

Hollywood once again goes back to the Greek mythology well to re-re-re chronicle the adventures of Hercules. Yes it looks like the tired, uninspired, dreadful offspring of Clash of the Titans and 300, but the Rock has clearly elevated his dramatic game for this role. He grew a beard, people. A BEARD. Hand him his Oscar now and save us the wait.

Kevin Sorbo can eat it.

Kevin Sorbo can eat it.

Beach Doppleganger: The Bro (Non-Ironically) in the “Come At Me Bro” Tank Top

As if there could be anyone else. The bro-iest of the bros; muscle bound guy in a wife-beater is THE worst. Typically you can find him near a pack of unfairly attractive girls, the hottest of which he will always be dating. Even though the only scenario in which you could imagine someone loving him involves them pleading down from the death penalty. Gaggle of girls or not, he’ll be standing on the beach, eyes off in the distance, pretending that flexing his biceps like a UFC fighter at a weigh-in was accidental. He was stretching. Or working out that kink from that football injury. The one he got from the state finals in high school. If he’s not doing that, he’s in the water tackling a friend for no reason, or demanding a football be thrown to him and missing the catch by six feet. All of this will be happening like 40 feet away from you, but you’ll have no choice but to notice because “bro-heim” is always yelling. About beers, benching, babes, or other bros. He’s the ADD fueled child of Mountain Dew, dub-step, and testosterone. Could there be a more apt analogy for the Rock starring in Hercules? At least you know exactly what you’re in for. Loud noises, little to no plot, and AT LEAST one monster getting Rock Bottomed through a Spanish Announce Table. GUARANTEED.

Guardians of the Galaxy

Release Date: August 1st
What You Need to Know:

A sassy gun-wielding raccoon, a hot green girl, a space-Ent, WWE Wrestling’s Dave Batista…. No, this can’t be right. What the flying heck is this movie about? And why do I still badly want to see it?

Rocket Raccoon is the anti-Howard the Duck.

Rocket Raccoon is the anti-Howard the Duck.

Beach Doppleganger: The Goth Kid Who Still Went to the Beach

There’s always at least one. Usually they’re somewhere near the boardwalk, although if conditions permit–aka, if the Converses can manage–they venture onto the beach. Despite the ninety degree heat, they’re STILL wearing a jet black shirt (more then likely with a band name written in blood) and a pair of black jean shorts. You can’t really comprehend how they thought it would work; how they didn’t think this outfit was just an awful idea. You can’t wrap your head around it. But on some level, you respect them, maybe even admire them. Stigma, standards, conditions, potential heat stroke be damned. They still wear what they want, and don’t give a crap what you think. That’s Guardians in a nutshell. It’s a movie with too many characters, too few stars, too convoluted of a premise, picked from an obscure and unproven comic book. Yet it oozes confidence and self assuredness–as its goth counterpart would ooze Monster energy drink and tons of actual sweat–from every pore. It may look weird, but it knows its awesome. And you’re going to go see it. Or at least watch from a distance. If it’s really like a goth kid, one of them may have a pocket knife. Or a pointy dog collar. I’m not trying to get stabbed, people.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Release Date: August 8th
What You Need to Know:

Someday, in a courtroom somewhere in the United States, a defense attorney will be asking a sobbing witness, “Now show me on the doll where Michael Bay touched your childhood.” This movie will be the reason why.

What won't you suck the joy out of, Michael Bay?

What won’t you suck the joy out of, Michael Bay?

Beach Doppleganger: The Unattended Kids One Towel Over

I apologize for repetitively using the word unattended above, obviously there is no other kind of child at the beach. Much like the re-boot of TMNT, there’s something wonderful and nostalgic about the kids playing next to you at the beach. They remind you of when you were younger and carefree. Watching them drink a Capri Sun while they play your old favorite beach games, it briefly transports you back to better days, better times. But once the memories fade, the truth emerges. These kids are dicks. “Enjoying the charm and mystique of the beach” has escalated quickly into “let’s throw sand at each other until someone cries.” That someone is probably you, who–through wind and the poor athletic skills of obese eight year olds–has inherited much of that sand in your face. No one will hear you though, because the beach is now punctuated by their yelling. “I HAVE SUNSCREEN IN MY EYE.” “I WANNA GO IN THE WATER AGAIN.” “I’LL JUST FEED ONE SEAGULL, NOTHING BAD CAN COME OF THIS!” What would could have been a nice trip down memory lane, has just served as a harsh reminder that sometimes the past should be left to the past. ESPECIALLY if Michael Bay–“le God de explosion”–is involved.

Let’s Be Cops

Release Date: August 13th
What You Need to Know:

Let’s Be Cops finally tackles the pressing existential dilemma: “Dude, what if we were cops?” Watch as a two-minute sketch comedy premise gets turned into a two-hour film, Jake Johnson burns up all of his comedic clout, and Damon Wayans Jr. finally gets to bring some credibility back to the Wayans family name. Sadly, I don’t know if that last part’s a joke or not.

Our guess is they accidentally uncover a real criminal network, solve it, and get absolved of their numerous crimes by the real cops because they took out a drug lord. Then they become real cops. We're just working from the handbook for Kuffs and every other '90s action-comedy.

Our guess is they accidentally uncover a real criminal network, solve it, and get absolved of their numerous crimes by the real cops because they took out a drug lord. Then they become real cops. We’re just working from the handbook for Kuffs and every other ’90s action-comedy.

Beach Doppleganger: The Guy Getting Buried In Sand

It always seems like a good idea. You’re at the beach, you’ve laid out for a while, jumped in the water, and laid out some more. Then there’s that moment where you think: “man, we should bury someone!” It escalates quickly, as for some reason human nature prevents someone from NOT wanting to dig a hole at the beach. Because physical exertion for a tedious cause in scorching sun is just fun! Soon, you’ve got a four foot deep hole, waning muscular strength, and it’s go time. That’s Let’s Be Cops in a nutshell. Someone had a decently fun idea, and a bunch of less intelligent people ran with it. It may sound enticing, it may sound entertaining, but in the end you know it will be for naught. You’ll have spent two hours losing yourself in the bland (I thought that was clever word play. I regret nothing!) and 10 minutes after you’ve left you’ll have forgotten the entire mess. It’s filler, it’s tedium, it’s what you end up doing when nothing better presents itself. And sure it may sound like fun, but just remember: someone always ends up with sand up their butt.

The Expendables 3

Release Date: August 15th
What You Need to Know:

The Expendables 3–or as it’s known in more honest circles, Paychecks, Paychecks, Paychecks–brings back all your favorite action stars from years past as they face off against a new threat: aging gracefully. The presence of Terry Crews forgives a lot, but not everything (otherwise known as The Blended Barrier.) Get ready for adventure, action, nostalgia, and a two hour long game of “How Uncomfortable Was Ronda Rousey During Filming.”

For crying out loud, even the posters for this retirement-era action film are just the guys lounging in a photo studio.

For crying out loud, even the posters for this retirement-era action film are just the guys lounging in a photo studio.

Beach Doppleganger: Portly Old Guy in a Speedo

It’s funny to me that this is by far the most apt comparison on this list, save for the fact that fat guy in a Speedo always–at least for me–conjures up a sense of European sensibilities and style. This movie is the furthest thing from that, EVER. It’s a Bald Eagle chugging a Budweiser and firing an un-licensed assault rifle into the sky. It’s the film translation of ‘MURICA. It takes all the action stars of the past three decades–save for any who may have some physical prowess left–and crams them into a two-hour-long commercial for explosions. There will be cliches, impossible (both to follow and explain) action sequences, thousands upon thousands of bullets, and enough off-screen Bengay and Jazzy Scooters to run Florida for a decade. There will not be any plot, apologies, couth, or regret. Just 10 pounds of action remorselessly crammed into a five-pound package. That’s enough stuffing and overflow to make even Speedo guy blush. And that is saying A LOT.

Sin City: A Dame to Kill for

Release Date: August 22nd
What You Need to Know:

To call this the “long awaited” sequel to Sin City would be an absurdly minimalist use of the words “long” and “awaited.” NINE years after the original film, Miller’s titular characters–which would be black and white–return with a plethora of Hollywood stars to explore ALL the ways people can talk slow, short, and gritty. Also, gun shots (which are distinct from gunshots).

It will be awesome, but not so awesome it makes up for giving Miller the chance to absolutely ruin The Spirit.

It will be awesome, but not so awesome it makes up for giving Miller the chance to destroy The Spirit.

Beach Doppleganger: That Hot Girl Who’s 25. Or 16. Or 34?

As a film critic–i.e., someone lying in bed in his underwear writing about movies–I really can’t offer you an expert opinion on Sin City 2: Sin Harderer. The movie has a lot going well for it. A good cast, a good director, great source material, and a stylistic flair that could prove to be just as alluring and effective as it was the first time around. Or… it could have aged horribly, and cripple the movie beneath unnecessary flash and flare. It just seems unwise to not be hesitant about a movie that was perpetually held up in production for nine years. That’s never really been a good sign. It could be a smash hit, or it could prove that the surprise and charm of the first installment can’t be duplicated. It’s a toss-up, a head scratcher. Much like the hot girl at the beach whose age is impossible to know. She seems to look pretty young, but she’s reading from a non-fiction library book. She’s drinking from a solo cup, but she’s definitely not “white girl wasted” like the girls next to her. Are those her friends? Or maybe her older sisters? Her younger sisters? Her kids? Is it wrong that I’m staring? AND FOR WHAT REASON?! WHAT MADNESS IS THIS?!?


Andrew Slafta is a “hopeful comedic writer” with an emphasis on the “dic.” He can be searched in the annals of Googleicon1 If Summer Blockbusters Were People at the Beach, or insulted at Twitter via @andrewslafta. Andrew gave you something to actually look forward to in Happy National Doughnut Day!

Who knew it wasn't some goofy industrial holiday, but a solitary piece of happiness from World War I ?

Who knew it wasn’t some goofy industrial holiday, but a solitary piece of happiness from World War I ?

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