Good Luck Charms for the Discerning Lunatic

Whether you believe in luck or not, you have to admit that there are some days when the black cat crossing your path turns out to be a puma. It’s cosmically unlikely that the universe has taken a personal interest in screwing up your day, but this Friday the 13th you might want to stock up on some good luck charms before you start your shift as substitute teacher at the chainsaw juggling academy. Sometimes, though, a horseshoe or a four-leafed clover just aren’t bat-crapingly baffling enough to get the job done. Let’s take a look at some good luck charms for the gentleman who doesn’t want anyone to sit near him on the bus ever again.

Vulture Heads

When naming your top five lucky animals, vulture probably comes somewhere between skunk and velociraptor. Odd then, that this hunched harbinger of doom is considered a good luck charm in South Africa. Apparently, because of its extraordinary eyesight, the vulture is believed to be able to see into the future, which is a pretty spiffy super power. So, applying the kind of logic that could get you a guest spot on Hannibal, you can carry around the dried severed head of a vulture to ensure luck in gambling. Go figure.

Bezoar

Every true connoisseur of good fortune knows that luck is where you find it– especially if you find it in something’s ass. Made from a glut of indigestible crud that an animal ate because it was bored, a bezoar sits undisturbed in said animal’s guts until somebody with an inquisitive attitude and a cavalier approach to personal space discovers it. For reasons that are not readily apparent, these things are considered to be lucky charms and even proof against poison, though really, much like the bezoar itself, that’s a load of crap.

"What…what are you doing back there? You're looking for a what? In my where? HELP! POLICE!"

“What…what are you doing back there? You’re looking for a what? In my where? HELP! POLICE!”

Raccoon Boner

The Raccoon is pretty lucky in that it has an actual bone to assist with its boning. While the rest of us rely on viagra and PBS, the raccoon can just unleash its baculum like a meaty switchblade of seduction. Unfortunately, the raccoon is significantly less lucky in that its penis bone has become synonymous with success in gambling, which means there are plenty of people who want to get their hands on Mr. Raccoon’s junk for entirely unromantic reasons. It’s also said that making a necklace of a baculum and presenting it to your lady-love will win her heart, though in all probability said necklace will likely end up in a bag labelled “Exhibit A.”

Be fair- If anybody's going to get lucky with that bone, it should be this guy.

Be fair- If anybody’s going to get lucky with that bone, it should be this guy.

Kangaroo Scrotum

We’re not done talking about animal genitalia yet, because apparently Kangaroo scrotums are as lucky as all get out. Ancient Aboriginals were the first to find value in the kangaroo’s sack by making pouches out of them to carry things other than testicles. The trend caught on, and these days there is serious business in making “lucky bags” out of Kangaroo scrotum, and with the Chinese now favouring kangaroo testicle-based aphrodisiacs– it looks like good news for the Australian economy. Not for Kangaroos, though. It’s pretty terrible news for kangaroos.

"…you what?"

“…you what?”

Llama Fetus

If you’re strolling around and you suddenly find yourself surrounded by the dried corpses of unborn llamas, then you’re either at Bolivia’s famed Witch’s Market, or else trapped in a David Lynch movie. Either way, it might be time to hail a cab. Bolivians believe that burying one of these emaciated skin-rags under your home will appease a goddess and bring good fortune–other than say, haunting the $£!% out of you. Apparently horror movies aren’t a thing in Bolivia.

"That's adorable. Let's sacrifice its children to the hungry earth."

“That’s adorable. Let’s sacrifice its children to the hungry earth.”

Swastikas

For centuries and more the swastika was considered a divine symbol and a talisman of good fortune (in fact, the word literally means “it is good”), but much like jackboots and skulls with wings, it was ruined by those inconsiderate Nazis. While it still thrives in Indian culture, and is therefore not uncommon, it’s fallen out of secular use with everyone else except for Neo-Nazis and Lemmy (note: not a Nazi). Many people tend to have quite a visceral reaction to it. Maybe you can be the trend-setting pioneer who brings back the swastika as a good luck charm. Have fun explaining your good intentions while an elderly war veteran is giving you a cane-beating.

Either this symbol has more than one meaning or the Nazi's were more tasteful than we were led to believe...

Either this symbol has more than one meaning or the Nazis were more tasteful than we were led to believe…

 


Steve Stevenson: a man rebuilt by the miracle of modern science to be something more than human. Did you know that some cultures consider it good luck to buy all of Steve’s books? And if you follow him on Twitter, you will find happiness with a tall dark stranger wearing an eye-patch. Possibly.

For more holiday related buffoonery, why not check out Easter Treat’s for the Discerning Lunatic or Celebrate Xmas Like a MAN! Or that time Steve compiled Valentine’s Gifts for the Desperate and Creepy!

Okay, maybe not that creepy. (Photo: Thinkstock)

Okay, maybe not that creepy.

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