Elevate Yourself In Airports for a Better Journey

Airports are palaces to the power of human progress. Armed with nothing but the ability to notice when we’d fallen over, we worked out the law of gravity and then built at it until we won. A plane is tanks of aviation fuel designed to catch fire and explode, whirling turbines designed to make it do both, wings so it all happens several miles straight up, and a tube full of people along for the ride to make sure someone sees how awesome it all is.

Unfortunately these architectural embodiments of the wonders we can work are usually full of @$$#()!%$. That’s because most people are @$$#()!%$. Worse, an awful cause and effect then makes most of them right when they say that airports suck. But if we can triumph over the gravitational attraction of our entire planet, if we can soar through the sky on engines which sound like blending thunder, we can certainly elevate our spirits as well as our bodies. Here’s how to ascend to more than one kind of higher plane in an airport.

Airports Are Secret Psychological Testing Facilities

That might sound like something screamed by a tinfoil milliner, but look at them: white open spaces, glass and steel construction, long corridors and queues and machines which vend food and it’s full of security cameras. Now think of those mazes behavioral researchers run mice through.

"Gotta get to gate B72!"

“Gotta get to gate B72!”

The government knows they can’t force people to report for mandatory psychological training — right now they can’t even get people to agree that maybe being able to get medical attention is a good idea — so they secretly installed these stress-testing facilities for the human soul. We report to them every holiday season, and they teach us some life-improving lessons:

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