An Alien Archeologist’s Biography of Chris Tucker

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Ruby Rhod will dance at a b-ball game if that is what Ruby Rhod wants to do.

Ruby Rhod will dance at a b-ball game if that is what Ruby Rhod wants to do.

DogBadge Writers Josh Hrala
Josh also writes articles for Cracked.com, which can be found here. He...
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In the distant future when our civilization crumbles due to nuclear fallout, pollution, or the more likely alien invasion, there will come another. These future inhabitants will want to learn about our past culture, history, and influential people. Archeologists today study the relics left behind to better understand the past and influence the future. Art and literature are the hallmarks of humanity and are studied the most because they explore our thoughts, societies, and folklore. Future scholars will do the same for us only with a wildcard thrown in…the movie.

Here is what future civilizations will believe to be true according to film and the actors who play in them.

Today we examine Chris Tucker, the greatest American success story ever told…according to alien archeologists.

A Rough Start: Friday, House Party 3, Dead Presidents

Chris Tucker, known in the past simply as “Smokey,” started out in the mean streets of Compton. Compton was a neighborhood located in what was Los Angeles, which was a subset of America. Compton is known for its wonderful artists such as The Wise Sage Mr. Ice Cube, Sir Eazy-E, and Dr. Dre (the inventor of the headphone). Despite Compton being a hotbed for artistic talent it was known at the time to be one of the most dangerous areas in Los Angeles. Chris “Smokey” Tucker began life with his mother in Compton where he hung out with Craig (known mainly as Ice Cube).

Smokey had a debilitating addiction to the drug “weed,” which we have pinned down to be a plant of some sort or possibly the ground-up bones of an earthen population known as Mary Jane. Whatever it was, Smokey loved it. He loved it so much that that is all thought about. One day Mr. Cube and Smokey were hanging out after Mr. Cube was fired for “stealing boxes for a club house” when the vicious Big Worm came and tried to kill Smokey for smoking all of Mary Jane. The events of that Friday changed Smokey’s life. He then checked into a rehabilitation clinic and changed his life. This drastic event was cataloged in the historical work, Friday and we see Smokey struggle with his bad past in other works such as House Party 3, and Dead Presidents.

A Reformed Life: The Fifth Element

After turning his life around Smokey began life his as an entertainer in the work named The Fifth Element. The tale shows Smokey as an intergalactic superstar who is in love with the spotlight. Many talented musicians came out of Compton and other neighborhoods surrounding Los Angeles so this wasn’t a stretch for our hero. However, another dramatic event took place that would change Smokey’s life.

A hero by the name of Bruce Willis entered Smokey’s life to save the entire world. Willis was trying to save a woman who was the fifth element (possibly a relative of Mary Jane). Smokey played witness to the events that went down on that space ship so many years ago. He saw that good can overcome evil, that the odds can be stacked against you but you can still come out on top. Smokey realized this is the path he must take to become a true hero, and he took it.

One of the Greatest Police Officers in History: Rush Hour 1, 2, 3

Willis gave Smokey the tools he needed to become a true hero of legend and Smokey took the opportunity. Returning to his fabled homeland Smokey joined the LA Police Department. The LAPD, as they were called, was a group of social protectors that guarded the land. Smokey, knowing he had the power, was a “loose cannon.” He had the chief “barking up ” the lieutenant’s “ass” all of the time. He needed to turn in his gun and badge until a wise man from another land came and opened Smokey’s mind once again. The warrior known as Jackie Chan (AKA The Drunken Master) was sent from his homeland to save a princess and in the process saved Smokey. Smokey was on thin ice until Chan got on the scene.

Together Chan and Smokey saved Los Angeles many times over. Smokey relied heavily on his street smarts while Chan used his stoic “royal guard” policing to create the best team of police the world has ever witnessed. The duo went on many missions, which can be referenced by the documents “Rush Hour,” “Rush Hour 2,” and “Rush Hour 3.” Rush hour, was the term given to the time of day when people in Los Angeles went to and from work in what called “cars” which they “drove” even though they usually say they “crawl” during rush hour. This time of day has nothing to do with the documents and we believe it is some code hidden in the title.

Mental Illness: Silver Linings Playbook

Rebounding on his old ways Smokey was arrested and sent to a mental hospital for anger and drug abuse. During his stay he cleaned up his act once again and even checked out of the hospital using his crafty knowledge of the law. This tale is told in Silver Linings Playbook, which is another hero’s story but Smokey is seen in the background.

Smokey, a teenager from a broken neighborhood climbed the ranks of society to become a hero. He overcame his environment and saved the world and Los Angeles many times over. He will be praised for years to come.


Josh Hrala

Josh Hrala also writes for Cracked.com here. He wants to be your BFF on Facebook, and can be emailed hate mail (and writing assignments) at joshhrala@gmail.com.

Josh dealt with alienation before in in How to be a Hacker (According to 1995′s “Hackers’).

The reality of being a hacker is all your friends assume you can fix their computer. But we know you can't, because you don't have any friends.

The reality of being a hacker is all your friends assume you can fix their computer when you can’t. But you also don’t have any friends so it works out.

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