With a name like Kleitomachos, you know this one is going to be good, come on, he’s already got macho right there in his name, he’s halfway to Wrestlemania with that alone. Embodying everything that would later come to define the more showy side of wrestling, Kleitomachos was giving crowds rousing speeches mid-match centuries before The Rock was doing it, and Kleitomachos did it when his opponents literally had nothing stopping them from clocking him right in the liver. Before that story, though, we need to introduce you to the man behind it, Kleitomachos himself. Being a Theban athlete Kleitomachos (or K-Macho as we’ll be referring to him from now on) was trained from birth to whup ass at whichever sport he decided he was best at. Seemingly wanting to live up to the connotations his name would have centuries later, K-Macho chose pankration, wrestling and boxing, because screw all those other sports, especially the ones where you weren’t required by the rules to physically assault another human being.
So how did he prepare for such events? Well, despite being at the peak of human condition and laden with seed so virile his loin clothes often ripped themselves from his torso and went off of their own accord, K-Macho abstained from any and all sex-related activity prior to a match. And we mean any, if K-Macho so much as heard someone say a naughty word, he’d straight stand up and leave the room. And it freaking worked, K-Macho’s success in the combat related sport was matched only by the number of broken pelvises in his vicinity when he celebrated winning. By the end of his career K-Macho had a sizable number of victories in pankration, boxing and wrestling.
Now competing in just one of these events would be enough to physically exhaust the most hardy of men, K-Macho not only competed in all three events on the same day during the Isthmian games with some of the known world’s finest punchers, grapplers and fist-based kidney surgeons, but actually went one better and bested them all, winning all three events outright. He was also one of the few people in all of history to win at both the pankration and boxing during an Olympiad. His skill in both events was such that during the Olympiad of 212 B.C. they changed the order of the events so he wouldn’t have to boss an opponents at pankration with boxing wounds.
Okay. so during that particular Olympiad he lost his pankration bout, but he did go on to win the boxing event after spending the better half of his morning being punched in spine. Some boxers today forfeit a match after seeing someone fall over on TV too close to a big fight. K-Macho had his ass kicked in one event, metabolized the shame from that loss and channeled it directly into his so he could spell out his name in bruises on the next guy stupid enough to fight him’s face.
But all of those victories were just fodder for K-Macho’s Randy Savage moment. After several years of succesful competition, K-Macho’s experience and skill in the ring were widely known and as such he’d built up a sizeable following. However, if there’s one thing the crowd loves more than a winner, it’s an underdog and when K-Macho had a boxing bout with the young hopeful called Aristonicos the stage was set for the ancient world’s Rocky moment.
Aristonicos had been specifically trained with only one purpose, to punch K-Macho in the throat hard enough his screams would only be audible to dogs living in a parallel dimension. And the crowd just ate that right up, cheering for the young boxer with every swing he took, punctuating every blow he landed on there once golden hero with jeers and applause. Which is when K-macho got a little pissed and yelled at the crowd.
As in he physically stopped the fight just to chastise the crowd for not cheering for him, a Greek, when he was fighting to bring the Olympic crown home for the glory of all of Greece. Which is when the crowd suddenly realized that, holy crap, they’d all been fooled into cheering for a rival nation, AT THE FREAKING OLYMPICS! Needless to say they quickly began to cheer for K-Macho and he won the bout. But here’s the thing, nowhere in the rules did it say that Aristonicos had to stop fighting. There were no rounds or time limits in Ancient Greek boxing, Aristonicos was completely within the rules to punch Kleitomachos right in the face during his speech, and Kleitomachos knew this, yet still took the risk to pump up the crowd. How dope is that?
If only Aristonicos had realized that he’d been sent to fight a punch machine that was powered by applause and sexual frustration he may have avoided the embarrassment of his loss. Then again, he should have probably counted himself lucky that his hands didn’t realize who they were punching and flee his body before they could be battered into pulp.
Karl Smallwood is a freelance comedy writer you can hire! His work has been featured on Cracked, Toptenz and Gunaxin. You should probably click those links to make sure he isn’t lying. He also runs his own website where he responds to the various pieces of hate-mail he’s gotten over the years, in fact, he got so much hate-mail that he wrote a book about it that you can buy on Amazon. When he isn’t writing, Karl also Tweets and uploads pictures of himself drinking on Facebook.