Why Blondes Make the Best Girlfriends

National Blonde Day brings us strange facts in favor of the fair-haired ones

National Blonde Day is a faux holiday created years ago to promote the film Legally Blonde 2. But who are we to question what nature hath given us? Society has placed a weird premium on blonde hair while simultaneously denigrating those who possess it as flighty and flirty. Are blondes really superior mate material? Are they really ditzy? Answer to both questions: No more than anyone else. The truth is, the best person to date is the one you enjoy life with.

BUT: if you are going to date a blonde, you should know they don’t go through life the same way other women do. Let’s examine some weird facts about those who have to navigate blonde…

Endangered species?

One possible reason for blondes” popularity is their scarcity. People see more value in rare and vanishing things. Which brings us to the myth that blondes are diminishing in number. Blondes, like redheads, occasionally suffer the urban legend that their recessive gene means they’re due for extinction.

That’s malarkey, because they managed to disseminate their original mutation in the first place. In fact, there’s even a model for why they’re sticking around, called the Hardy-Weinberg principle, and it was graphed by a mathematician and a gynecologist — interestingly enough, they diagnosed the probabilities separately, but at the exact same time, meaning at a certain point broad swaths of society really needed to know if they were going to suffer a flood of twins or a drought of fair-haired types.

This affords you an easy in if you’re a fair-haired type yourself: she’ll be thinking the entire time, how her children won’t be robbed of their blonde birthright.

Dumb blonde = dumb stereotype

The old saw goes that blondes are dumb, which is ludicrous, because the genetics that govern hair color have nothing to do with intelligence, right?

Well, it turns out they may, but no real scientific study has been done that accounts for social influence, other reasons, or even if the blondes were natural or dye jobs. And the Scandinavian regions, home to a disproportionate percentage of the world’s blondes, rank very well in the most recent Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development report, though not ahead of several decidedly non-blonde Asian countries.

So yeah, hair color doesn’t correlate to intelligence in any significant study. Lots of quality schooling, that’s what seems to do it.

Sure, there are worse stereotypes, but it's still a stereotype.

Pictured: half the stereotype

And besides, there’s more than one kind of blonde out there. The gene that makes certain Solomon Islanders blonde is completely separate from the ones prevalent in Europe. If we had to guess, we’d say the “dumb” stereotype arose from blondes being also seen as more desirable–from a mix of jealousy and attractive people having an easier time of it, and thus not having to sharpen their other skills.

But contrary to your silly stereotypes is Lauren Marbe, an English teenager with an IQ of 161. To put things in perspective, that puts the Loughton, Essex native one point higher than Albert Einstein, Stephen Hawking, and Bill Gates.

As befits her Batman-grade IQ, she pretends to party while scanning the room for threats.

As befits her Batman-grade IQ, she pretends to party while scanning the room for threats.

Funny enough — In England they don’t tell blonde jokes, they tell Essex girl jokes, so Marbe not only shatters the dumb blonde stereotype but the Essex one too.

Everything is unfair to everyone

The University of Westminster did a study in which the same woman went to bars as a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. The researchers found she was approached more by men as a blonde (60 times vs. 42) but of the men interviewed afterward, “more found her to be more attractive and believed her to be more intelligent.” The lesson of course is that men are terrible, fickle beasts.

But the other lesson is that people have their prejudices and seize on the information that they feel informs it. They thought the blonde was more approachable, and they thought the brunette was more intelligent, and they thought intelligence was more attractive. Of course, in a single study, all of this means absolutely nothing. The woman might have felt less confident as a brunette. Or she might have had a slug crawling on her shoulder. Nobody wants to talk to a person with a slug on them. Go away, slug!

Are we really going to take what these men say at face value? They hit on the blonde 30% more, so how are they going to honestly say they find brunettes more attractive? Shouldn’t the headline here really be “Men say one thing, do another?” Are all of these guys at the bar just Thor 180 times?

Here is a woman who breaks the "dumb blonde" stereotype by employing the "glasses=smart" stereotype.

Here is a woman who breaks the “dumb blonde” stereotype by employing the “glasses = smart” stereotype.

Oh, and the redhead edition? She only got hit on 18 times. So either redheads are a select preference, or it was an unconvincing dye job. Who knows? And how much did this study into the hearts of horny bar slobs cost the taxpayers? That’s the question analysts should be asking!

…but blondes make more money

That same “dumb blonde” prejudice occurs in hiring practices. Researchers gave study participants a photo of a woman with her hair photoshopped to be blonde, brunette or redhead, and asked them to evaluate her as a potential employee. After wondering why the hell you would do that from a photo instead of a resume, the subjects thoroughly rated the same woman as a less capable worker when she had blonde hair, and settled on a lower starting salary for her. Bummer, right?

Yes, but if she does get the job, a blonde woman will find more of her coworkers doing favors for her unasked and unencouraged, and then she’ll eventually land a much higher salary than her counterparts. So: second bummer! Now she’s getting coddled instead of challenged to her best, and then rewarded for it while a brunette doing an equally good job is paid less than she deserves. Everybody loses! Unless you’re a blonde with no scruples or aspirations. Then you’re sitting pretty on money, and will probably end up dating the kind of guy who found this article by searching for “meet best blonde girlfriend.”

If you’re that guy, congratulations! You can point to this article and explain to her that she’s the breadwinner in your relationship! Then retire to the couch to eat Hot Pockets until she leaves you, because a woman who gets hit on 30% more than most folks and makes more money can choose a better guy than you. Ugh, you are just the worst, and you’ve lost the best thing that ever happened to you.

A similar study found that blonde waitresses get way better tips than others, so…dang, the cards are just stacked in blondes” favor, aren’t they?

The cards are just stacked in blondes” favor

In the scarf experiment, a blonde woman walked down the street and dropped her scarf twenty times. And twenty times a stranger, usually a man, picked it up and gave it to her.

Then she donned a brown wig and tried it again. This time a few people picked it up, most pointed, and many did nothing at all. Dang, mankind, it’s like you don’t even have a selfless drop of common decency to spare the world.

NBC Charlotte repeated their experiment in a similar fashion when they asked an African-American woman to try the scarf experiment with her natural hair. Not only did she get her scarf back 19 times, many women inquired about her hairstyle. She dropped the scarf another 20 times in a “relaxed” wig, and got results that approximated the brunette wig’s.

Here is a

The experiment was repeated at the beach with a volleyball and it was found that 20,000 out of 20,000 men did not pick the ball up for the woman.

What does all this mean? Nothing except people are weird, so you should probably just have whatever hair color and style makes you the happiest. Unless you’re the kind of person who loses a lot of stuff. Then it might suit you to pick a style that will turn the entire city into your personal army, watching out that you don’t forget any more scarves.

But she might be a goddess!

As anyone who recently saw Thor 2: The Last Chance to Make Thor Interesting knows, Lady Sif is a badass beauty. But did you know that the deity is actually blonde? It’s a big part of her legend, although the Marvel comics version made her brunette. Then they realized their mistake, and concocted a story about Loki tricking her out of her golden locks so Thor wouldn’t be attracted to her anymore. It didn’t work, because her new jet-black hair complimented Marvel-Sif even more.

That means the canonical Lady Sif is still lurking around out there somewhere, waiting for her moment in the spotlight. Go get “er! But be careful: Cheaters are disproportionately likely to be blonde.

If blondes aren’t your thing, play Spot the Real Redhead and help us Celebrate Redhead Day with 22 Famous Gingers.

Yesterday we rounded up 22 famous gingers in preparation for Redhead Day. Today we up the ante and make it a little harder for you: here are 23 jaw-dropping pictures from our photo library, but the catch is they're not all true redheads.

Hint: this one’s real.

Angie Everhart is simply stunning. But not nude. Keep trying, Google users!

How Angie Everhart never played a Bond girl is beyond us, considering she pretty much is one in real-life.

Brendan McGinley is editor round these parts when not writing comics or Cracked columns. You can say a neighborly hello to him on Twitter @BrendanMcGinley.

Brendan learned How to Take a (Hilarious) Sexy Selfie and revealed the 5 Super Weird Search Terms You Used Recently.

Props to old people, and old people as props.

Props to old people, and old people as props.

The weird thing is none of you came here looking for Bregje Heinen, when she is all any man should look for EVER.

The weird thing is none of you came here looking for Bregje Heinen, when she is all any man should look for EVER.

More from Brendan McGinley

One Comment

  1. Reblogged this on By the Mighty Mumford and commented:

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