Booze

Dear Concern Trolls: Get Out of My Beer

Beer is for drinking and not for whining. That’s why it’s not called wine
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You're already drinking something that, by definition, is poison. Are you really going to start bitching about corn syrup?

You’re already drinking something that, by definition, is poison. Are you really going to start bitching about corn syrup?

There’s a lot to be concerned about, when it comes to beer. Good beer, whether it’s modest stuff canned and bottled to be consumed by a large number of people at a party or the fussiest craft beer imaginable, needs to be brewed with care and good ingredients. And, make no mistake, it’s important to use quality ingredients and care in the process.

What’s not important is to cater to self-righteous douchebags. But the douchebags are trying, very much, to sink their fingers into your beer.

Specifically, we’re referring to an article called “8 Beers You Should Stop Drinking Immediately,” which is an arresting headline that yours truly admits to having used for more honest reasons. But the agenda quickly becomes clear when the article announces that, gasp, BEERS HAVE MSG AND CORN SYRUP IN THEM.

You can smell it, can’t you? That stench, that smell that clings to people who shop at Whole Foods. The smell that wafts into your nostrils seconds before you hear the words “Ugh, I can’t believe you’re going to eat that.”

The article actually gets worse because it’s written by somebody who clearly doesn’t drink beer. The beers in question are all macrobrews, and the “entries” are all pretty much the same:

“Coors Light is a drink that is very popular at bars and among college students. Mostly because it’s cheap. The beer contains GMO corn syrup.”

That is an actual quote. Yes, with the typo and pacing. Clearly, the fact that Coors Light might feature food additives is supposed to be a shocking moment that carries the article, because Lord knows the good people at Coors have never resorted to cheap gimmicks to sell beer.

Anyway, this article has been rather thoroughly scientifically debunked, by brewers. Instead it needs to be debunked morally.

If you pay close attention, you’ll come across two themes in these people when they talk: One, they think they’re better than you because they go to Whole Foods, and two, that because they’re so perfect, anything on the market must conform to their tastes and there’s no room for anything else. Or worse, they believe everybody has to conform to their decisions now that they’ve made them.

We’re certainly not going to argue people shouldn’t have control about what they do and don’t put in their bodies. That’s contrary to the very ethos of beer-drinking, really. It’s the part where you try to decide what other people do with theirs that’s the problem.

First of all, the “science” around GMOs should be viewed with rather extreme skepticism. Secondly, it doesn’t matter what you think; most people who drink beer are adults who are making an informed decision about their health. That’s the fun part about freedom: Everybody has it!

That’s what’s most fundamentally insincere about anti-beer (or anti-certain types of beer) articles. It’s not about our health, or our well-being, it’s about how we need to bow down and tell these people how right they are.

Instead, we’ll salute the right of everybody to choose what they enjoy. And we’ll do it with a pint of Guinness.


Dan Seitz is the creative director at GammaSquad and the gadget guy at Guyism.

Dan became a Man Cave legend when he cracked the code to answering the question Beanie Baby or Stripper?

Much more in demand than a Beanie Baby

Much more in demand than a Beanie Baby.

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