The God of Self-Confidence

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He's so fast they had to give his statue articulated joints so it didn't tear itself off the base.

He’s so fast they had to give his statue articulated joints so it didn’t tear itself off the base.

960250_703321939687678_299353118_n Karl Smallwood
Karl Smallwood is the head writer, researcher and all round gopher of...
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There’s a fine line between confidence and arrogance. The ancient Syrian runner, Eubotas of Cyrene was a man who decided to teabag that line and build a statue of himself doing it. We say this because he’s one of the few people in history to commission a statue celebrating his victory, before he’d even raced.

What makes this feat even more impressive is that there’s very little information surrounding Eubotas other than that he was so balls-out confident in his ability to assume a spectral cheetah form and run really fast that he ordered a statue be made of him celebrating his victory before he’d even raced. This guy’s smug sense of superiority was so immense it has literally eclipsed all of his other achievements including an actual Olympic victory, the supposed highest honor an athlete could achieve.

What we do know however is that Eubotas was a runner who specialized in the 200 yard stadion event, the ancient Olympic equivalent of our 200 meter sprint, only with more oiled up naked guys and way less shame. Considering how cocksure Eubotas was, we wouldn’t be surprised if his race consisted of him lightly nudging his own erection across the finish line the second the race started.

So why was Eubotas so confident you ask? Was it because he was already a famous athlete? Was he the son of a half-man, half-cougar hybrid? Did his feet unexplainably leave footprints with little Nike swooshes inside them? The answer is none of those things. Eubotas’s confidence in his abilities came entirely from a Syrian oracle, who told the runner that he was going to be an Olympic champion. That was literally the only thing Eubotas needed to completely convince him of his victory, to prove it, upon hearing this news he immediately ordered a statue be built celebrating his future Olympic crown.

If Eubotas was in a sports movie he’d be the overly cocky opponent who got his comeuppance at the hands of an underdog who worked for his victory instead of expecting it to be handed to them. He was basically Ivan Drago, Shooter McGavin and everyone who played for the Hawks in the Mighty Ducks movie combined into a single dickbag of a person and he still won. The collective will of everyone in the audience should have been enough to at least make this guy trip and break his nose or something, but his confidence in his own skill and ability to kick ass was so strong he managed to resist it and win.

If this guy was a modern athlete his name and several choice swear words would have been trending on Twitter before he’d even finished announcing that he was going to win. Instead the combination of Eubotas’s sick skills and his foresight to build his statue before he competed resulted in him being the only athlete in Ancient Greece to dedicate his statue on the day of his victory. We wouldn’t be surprised if this guy had the damn thing placed on the finish line so he could take whatever the ancient version of a selfie was with it.

What makes this story even better though is that Eubotas had another statue commissioned after his victory just to commemorate himself getting laid. As the amazingly titled book, Sex in the Ancient World from A-Z, notes, prior to becoming an Olympic champion, a young girl called Alcibiades fell in love with the athlete. Being a gentlemen, Eubotas abstained from doing the sex with the girl and instead promised her that they’d marry when he became champion. To fulfill his promise, he sent her a statue. Apparently this is exactly the same as keeping a pledge to marry, and we’re surprised more grooms don’t pull this kind of bait-and-switch.

When Eubotas inevitably won his Olympic crown, he quickly commissioned another statue to be built in his hometown of Cyrene, presumably just outside of his ex-girlfriend’s house, celebrating the fulfillment of his promise. Because Eubotas’s stock response to every major event in his life was just ordering another statue.

Just in case you didn’t think Eubotas could get more annoying, 40 years later, out of nowhere, he un-retired just to win another Olympic crown in the chariot racing event.

Now if you’ll excuse us, we’re just going to look up how much it would cost to erect a “I’m going to have so much freaky sex with this girl” statue in our hometown.

How freaked out would you be to see this thing actually running?

How weirded out would you be to see this thing actually running?


Karl Smallwood is a freelance comedy writer you can hire! His work has been featured on Cracked, Toptenz and Gunaxin. You should probably click those links to make sure he isn’t lying. He also runs his own website where he responds to the various pieces of hate-mail he’s gotten over the years, in fact, he got so much hate-mail that he wrote a book about it that you can buy on Amazon. When he isn’t writing, Karl also Tweets and uploads pictures of himself drinking on Facebook.

Karl is an ass-kicker in his own right. He perfected The Art of Video Gamesmanship and torturing sprites for daring to defy his godlike power!

We mean gaming. Did you think we speak of country matters?

We mean gaming. Did you think we speak of country matters?

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