Honest Missed Connections

Missed Connections exist in dating lore, a way for people to drop a line to those who got away. The beautiful girl you saw on the street? She’s definitely spending all of her free time since then thinking about you, too. You can’t be the only one. That tall, dark, and handsome fellow you saw carrying his groceries out to his nice car all alone? You exchanged a glance, and you are almost positive you saw him smile. There’s no way that’s not true love. You go home and put a Missed Connection up, because there’s absolutely no way they’re not rushing home and getting on their computer to sift through Craigslist. It’ll be a great story to tell your children some day, how you met through such a viral and unique way.

Nothing leads me to believe and of this ever happens. If you’ve never browsed (or you want to deny the fact that you have) Craigslist Missed Connections are more of a sad corner of the internet, with a majority of people calling out to no one, or attempting to get back an ex-lover through some sort of Shel Silverstein quote they copied and pasted.

Craigslist Missed Connections need to know what they are: a place for the loneliest to bump into each other. Like a bar, except you can have another browser window open so you can halfway watch House of Cards while you scroll. Like Tinder without the hope of good-looking people, and a slightly higher risk of getting murdered.

Here are some more honest Craigslist Missed Connections. Not the hopefully (hopeless) romantic encounters, but, rather, posts that would have a chance at working, if we were just as honest about what we were after. Oh, and for those of you who don’t know, here’s some knowledge to know:

M4W means man posting for a woman

W4M means a woman posting for a man

Now that you know that, you can fill in the blanks for other combinations.

You Were on the Train/Car/Street (m4w)

It was the other day, Tuesday or Wednesday (or Friday, if that was when you were on the train or wherever, I don’t care). I was the guy you were attracted to, or could convince yourself you’re attracted to, wearing that thing or reading that book or holding that bag that you really thought was cool. You were that pretty (or not that pretty, it doesn’t really matter to me at this point) girl who is looking for a boyfriend, or a guy to hang out with, or just someone to hold the phone while they take selfies. Remember how crazy it was when that crazy thing happened on the train? If this is you, message me. You don’t have to tell me anything about myself, I just want to adjust my Facebook relationship status. I’m really into all of that stuff you’re into, too.

You Bought a Vegetable (w4m)

Me: Girl who was behind you at the grocery store checkout line the other night.

You: Guy in front of me. I honestly don’t remember what you look like, what you were wearing, or a single thing about you aside from the fact that you bought some bagged salads. You seem healthy enough, I guess. I’m looking to settle. I was impressed that you bought something green. Message me after you end up throwing that bagged salad away in two weeks and we can get some McDonald’s or something.

Definitely Not Just Looking for People to Help Me Move (m4mf,or anything)

You: That person, I don’t remember your gender or anything, who has a lot of friends who aren’t doing anything this Sunday afternoon. Remember how you have a truck? That was one of the coolest things about you.

Me: A really cool guy who pretty much has all of his stuff in boxes already, I swear, it won’t be that long of a day, and I totally have some pizza and beer ready.

You Give Off Heat (m4f)

Me: Male, mid-twenties, usually asleep in what is an awfully cold apartment in Brooklyn. Doesn’t own a nice comforter.

You: Any girl who gives off body heat. When it comes down to it, I’m really just looking for a girl that gives off as much heat as my radiator heater, without making as much noise while I’m trying to sleep. It’s alright if you clink and clatter some, though. Also, would be great if you knew how to make eggs.

Kyle Ayers is a comedian and writer living in New York City. He has performed alongside anyone and everyone, such as Nick Thune, Dave Attell, Reggie Watts, Nick Vatterott, Nikki Glaser, Derrick Comedy (Mystery Team), Broken Lizard (Super Troopers), Tommy Johnagin and more. He has trained at iO and Second City in Chicago, in the improv-ing. He writes for KorkedBats.com and CBS because doing comedy for free doesn’t pay very well. He was in the feature film Box Elder, which showed all over the country, as well as a few other flicks. He runs a comedy show in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, called Game Night. He has starred in numerous sketches and been featured on the front page of FunnyOrDie.com. He specializes in short, concise sentences about his comedy career. You can follow him on Twitter @KyleAyers.

Kyle put some sauce on the The Murky History of the Hot Dog.

Never squeeze a hot dog this hard, ladies

Never squeeze a hot dog this hard, ladies.

More from Hello I am Kyle Ayers. How is you?

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