10 Disturbing Realizations about the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

I grew up in the ’90s so there were a few cartoons and movies that had a huge impact on my life. Home Alone was a big one. Every boy, even the ones way before the ’90s, loved GI Joe and professional wrestling. The other big one was the insanely popular Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. While I was obsessed with the series, there were a few things that always bothered me about it. I know it’s petty to pick apart a cartoon from my childhood, but I’m a petty person. I’ve accepted this and so should you. Here are ten things that always bothered me about TMNT.

1. Seriously, what was the deal with April O’Neil? I know she was a reporter that the turtles helped all the time, but was there something romantic or sexual going on? If so, not only is April a disgusting vagrant getting involved with animals, they’re also underage. That means, either way, she’s going to prison.

2. So Krang is this super intelligent alien from outer space. I can accept this. I can also accept that he needs a host body to get around here on earth. What I can’t understand is why he, looking like a human brain, insisted on being placed in the stomach of the body and not the head. What kind of terrible thought process went into putting a brain into his host’s stomach?

3. Speaking of Krang, who chose that host body? It has chubby, short arms, a head that looks like a wart, and sunglasses that literally no human being has ever worn. Also it’s just walking around in a pair of red underwear. Seriously Krang, you look like King Kong Bundy got really into Lady Gaga.

4. Why did the turtles wear masks? Was anyone going to mistake them for a different set of giant mutated turtles that could also do ninjitsu? If you say it’s so they could tell each other apart then that’s just silly. If parents have twins they don’t make them wear different colored bandanas to differentiate between their children.

5. While we’re talking about masks, why did they have different colored masks anyway? They all carried different weapons so you could tell which one was who. How about a little more uniform look and everyone wear the same colored mask?

6. What pizza delivery place would willingly deliver to a manhole cover all the time and never ask any questions? It’s not like they had an address, so they would just make a bunch of pizzas and drop them off by the opening to a sewer where some money had been left. This business needs to be inspected immediately.

7. Why did the turtles wear belts? Never have I ever seen them wearing pants so what exactly is that belt holding up? The only thing that would make sense is that, because of their mutations, their shell is crumbling and falling off, but that’s disgusting and gross and honestly makes me sad. I’m just going to forget about the stupid belts.

8. The turtles wanted to be inconspicuous when traveling around because they wouldn’t want anyone to know their true identity. So what kind of vehicle did they select? A van with a giant shell on the top and says the word TURTLES across the front of it. Even if you didn’t think they were turtles before, as soon as you spotted this van, that’s the first thought that would be in your mind. Why not drive a spacious Ford Explorer or go first class and get a Lincoln Navigator?

9. Why did no one ever notice they were giant, green creatures when they walked around in trench coats? It wasn’t like a coat could cover up the gigantic shell protruding out of their backs and their hands that only had three fingers. If I put a coat on Quasimodo you’d still be like, “oh look, there’s Quasimodo in a trench coat.”

10. There’s no way Shredder had those giant spiky claws coming off his hand and not once did he scratch his face, pick his nose, or rub his eye and do permanent structural damage to his face. I would actually watch an episode that was nothing but Shredder sitting in the waiting room of the ER and waiting for medical attention because he jammed one of his blades into his nostril while sneezing.

Rob Fee is a writer and comedian best known for writing and telling jokes. You can follow him on Twitter @RobFee to read more of these jokes or go to Del Taco. He’s probably there.

Rob previously judged pop culture and found it agreeable in in The 10 Greatest DJ Names of All Time.

This DJ can save our life anytime.

DJ Double-D.




More from Rob Fee

One Comment

  1. kimmpepper says:

    This is just great haha!

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