Thailand’s Most Unstoppable (& Unbelievable) Warrior
Phraya Pichai Daab Hak is the absolute mouthful of a name given to an ancient Thai warrior famed for his martial arts skills, bravery and the fact he once swung a sword so hard it broke in half. For obvious reasons we’re just going to refer to him as BS for the rest of this piece because everything we’re about to tell you is going to sound like we made it up anyway.*
*Note, we’re not making any of this up.
BS was born in a small Thai village sometimes in 1741, we’d tell you the name of that village but we really don’t want to deal with the lawsuits that will occur when it wrestles your tongue clear out of your mouth when you try to pronounce it out loud. According to the history books, as a young boy BS would sneak away from his home to train himself in the bone-crushing art of Muay Thai, proving that even a young age, BS knew that at some point in his life he’d need to snap a neck or two.
BS supposedly studied under a Muay Thai master named Thiang after it became clear to him that his family was just holding him back. Thiang, sensing BS’s immense talent, taught his young apprentice everything he’d need to know about kicking a man’s shins into powder and firing lightning bolts out of his eyeballs to impress the ladies. By the time BS reached the age of 20, his body had been molded into a lump of cast iron shaped like a screaming fist.
Literally the first thing BS did once he left his master’s tutelage was walk into the nearest, unpronounceable village and demand to fight to strongest fighter that lived there. As you will soon find out, BS aimed high and punched for the neck. After issuing this open challenge, a fighter called The Invincible Nai Hao, an utterly ruthless and undefeated Thai boxer, stepped forward to take BS on.
Failing to live up to his name, or even the individual letters that made it up, Nai Hao was bludgeoned half to death by a flurry of elbows thrown by BS three seconds after the match started. BS’s victory was so complete that a Thai noblemen, known as Taksin the Great immediately offered the young martial artist a job as his personal bodyguard. That’d be like one of us throwing a football so far and so accurately that it landed in the swimming pool of the house we’d buy with our first NFL paycheck.
We should point out that at this point in history, Thailand was currently being curbstomped by the Burmese. Nevertheless, with only a handful of soldiers and walking haymaker for a bodyguard, Taksin revolted against the Burmese, eventually kicking them out of the country and making himself king.
Before that though, he and BS engaged purged the Burmese from small towns and villages across Thailand to weaken their foothold in the country. During one such battle, BS was cutting fools left and right with a bitchin’ set of twin swords when, possibly due to him simply being “too sick,” BS slipped and broke one of the swords when he thrust it into the ground to steady himself.
Without missing a beat, BS continued to fight with the broken sword, compensating for his new-found lack of cutting power with a liberal application of elbows to the goddamn face.
BS’s awesome, tiger-like prowess on the battlefield that day forever earned him the nickname of “The Broken Sword” a nickname we’d literally have killed for in high school. BS continued to be an unthinkable badass right up until the Burmese were expelled from his country, but that’s not even the best part.
When King Taksin died (read: was executed for being half Chinese), tradition dictated that as his bodyguard, BS was to be executed too, to protect him in the next life or something like that. However, the new king of Thailand was so impressed by BS’s unbelievably toned abs, that he waived this thousand-year old tradition to offer BS a position as his personal bodyguard too. Amazingly, BS turned the new king down, and instead requested that his own son be trained in the art of snapping necks and cashing cheques.
BS was later executed on his own orders, proving what many had expected all along: the only person capable of stopping him was himself.
Karl Smallwood is a freelance comedy writer you can hire! His work has been featured on Cracked, Toptenz and Gunaxin. You should probably click those links to make sure he isn’t lying. He also runs his own website where he responds to the various pieces of hate-mail he’s gotten over the years, in fact, he got so much hate-mail that he wrote a book about it that you can buy on Amazon. When he isn’t writing, Karl also Tweets and uploads pictures of himself drinking on Facebook.
Karl found the biggest ass-kicker of all time in The Peasant Soldier Who Became Emperor.