Every August 8th thousands of people across the States celebrate an obscure holiday known as Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor’s Porch Night and it entails exactly what you’re picturing in your head right now. Sneaking out of your house in the dead of night with express purpose of covertly covering your neighbors front porch in unwanted summer produce.
Now obviously the first question that’s going to pop into your head is, why the hell do people do this and what mad genius decided to make it a holiday? Well the answer lies in the incredibly virulent nature of zucchini, which is well regarded as a vegetable that is piss-easy to grow. However, this usually means that people who decide to grow them, invariably end up with way more than they could ever possibly use or eat.
Tired of dealing with blimp-sized squash taking over their garden once per year, a guy called Thomas Roy came up with the incredible idea of simply picking a random day on their calender to “gift” these garden-hogging monstrosities to their neighbors under the warm embrace of nightfall. Today the holiday is celebrated by gardeners who find themselves overwhelmed by zucchini, but we don’t the should the joy of leaving massive pieces of squash should be enjoyed solely by gardeners. That’s something everyone should get to experience at least once, so for everyone who wants to celebrate a slightly more obscure holiday, or just wants a reason to annoy their neighbors under the guise of being nice, here’s our guide on sneaking some troublesome zucchini onto your neighbor’s porch.
Step 1: Picking your zucchini
Now the first and most significant barrier to enjoying Sneak Some Zucchini onto Your Neighbor’s Porch Night, is actually acquiring a bunch of zucchini. Now the enterprising zucchini aficionado should already have a garden full of these things and if you want to celebrate this holiday in style next year, there are multiple guides out there to growing your own bloated cucumbers.
For everyone else, the only real option available to you is physically going to the store and buying some zucchini. Thanks in part to the aforementioned ease of growing zucchini, this should be a reasonably simple and cheap affair.
If at this point you’re bemoaning the fact you may have to shell out a few dollars, ask yourself the following question: “What would I pay to see the look on my neighbor’s face when they notice that their morning paper has transmogrified itself into a giant summer squash?” We’re going to guarantee that the answer to that question is easily worth the cost of at least one zucchini.
Now it’s common courtesy to only gift your neighbors the most ridiculously oversized zucchini you can find–you know, to show you care. However, if you can’t find a zucchini, you can always just leave a cucumber or something on your neighbor’s porch instead. As long as you let the neighbor know that you left the produce there with good intentions in order to celebrate an obscure holiday that is, at its core about sharing, the produce itself doesn’t really matter. It’s the giving that counts, not the zucchini.
Step 2: Picking the neighbor
Once you have your selection of zucchini or suitable alternative, the next port of call is to decide which of your neighbors you should bestow this bountiful blessing upon. At first it would seem that the correct answer to this question is “all of them” but doing that would be costly and mean that you’d be very easy to identify as the culprit when your porch was the only one without Ninja Turtle wangs stacked on it. Unless of course you put zucchini all over your own porch like some kind of weirdo.
No, it’s a much better idea to simply pick one neighbor as a target for your zucchini-based shenanigans and really go for it. Now we can’t really imagine that there’s any sort of demographic that would prefer to have their porch covered in zucchini more than any other since our research has concluded that the demographic of people who enjoy free stuff is “everybody.”
So unless you have a neighbor who collects land-mines and stores them on his lawn, the target of your zucchini care package can be anyone you live near who you’d think would appreciate tripping over a giant penis-shaped vegetable on their way to work.
Step 3: Doing the deed
So once you have your produce and a suitable target, the next step is physically sneaking all of those bad boys onto their front doorstep. We’ll be honest, we expected this step to involve Mission Impossible levels of precision and a healthy dose of crawling under lasers in camouflage. But apparently, the most popular (and effective) way to sneak zucchini onto your neighbors porch is to simply shove them in a basket with a nice note explaining the reason why you’re gifting them an offensively large amount of squash, before dumping it onto your neighbors porch and running like hell.
Also, judging by what we’ve observed during our research taking a picture of yourself carefully placing the zucchini onto your neighbor’s porch is of paramount important. However, if you really don’t fancy taking a selfie with a zucchini, you can always don an elaborate disguise during your endeavor like this guy did. In which case we highly recommend going full Point Break and buying a Richard Nixon mask, because we can’t think of a single activity wearing one of those things doesn’t make 60% cooler.
Step 4: Inevitably explaining what you left the house for at 3 a.m.
Very few of the places we consulted about this holiday seemed to take into account the fact that sneaking our of your house to quietly cover a neighbor’s porch in pounds of squash is pretty odd thing to do. So their advice on what to do when you’re inevitably confronted by a family member, roommate or girlfriend about why you left the house in a Richard Nixon mask at 3 a.m. is sparse at best.
Our advice in this situation is to just be absolutely honest, look the person asking you in the eye while shifting your weight from foot to foot and say in your most matter-of-fact voice, “I was celebrating sneak some zucchini onto your neighbor’s porch night, what do you think I was doing?” before scoffing very audibly like they’re the one acting strange.
Step 5: Explaining to your neighbor why you dumped a pile of zucchini on their porch
By this point we’re expecting that either your loved one has alerted your neighbor to the fact that you were the one who placed 30 whole zucchini on their doorstep, or your neighbor has followed the trail of half eaten zucchini you consumed for sustenance back to your house.
When this happens, it’s important to remain cool and calmly explain to your neighbor that you were merely celebrating a zucchini-based holiday. When they ask what the hell they’re supposed to do with 50 pounds of zucchini, scoff louder than before and close the door.
Step 6: Coming to terms with the fact you’re now “that weird zucchini guy”
After masterfully explaining to your neighbor why you ninja-ed half of an organic food section into his living room, you will no doubt notice that news of your antics has spread further than you could ever imagine.
It’s our advice that when this happens you should take full advantage of the situation by fashioning a Riddler-esque outfit covered in zucchinis. Yes, you’ll look like you’re wearing a suit of Hulk-dongs. Your dignity is an acceptable sacrifice.
Step 7: Committing zucchini based crimes to show the world you mean business
Now you have your zucchini outfit and news of you crushing your neighbors house with 40-foot-long zucchini has disseminated across the web, it’s time to strike while the iron is hot and take your crime career to the next level.
Obviously your first step should be outfitting your army of mutant human/zucchini hybrids with enough weaponry to level the nearest city. However, it would also be useful for you to draft a speech or two to give when you inevitably take over the world.
Step 8: Learn to cope with the stress of being the unquestioned ruler of Earth
Once you’ve taken over the world, built imposing zucchini-based statues in every major city on Earth and crushed what little resistance dared to stand against you, it’s likely that you’re going to be pretty stressed out.
We recommend when this happens that you engage in a cathartic activity like gardening. After many years of iron-fisted rule it’s likely that you’re going to be a little rusty when it comes an activity that doesn’t directly involve murder so you should probably start by growing something simple, like zucchini.
Karl Smallwood is a freelance comedy writer you can hire! His work has been featured on Cracked, Toptenz and Gunaxin. You should probably click those links to make sure he isn’t lying. He also runs his own website where he responds to the various pieces of hate-mail he’s gotten over the years, in fact, he got so much hate-mail that he wrote a book about it that you can buy on Amazon. When he isn’t writing, Karl also Tweets and uploads pictures of himself drinking on Facebook.
Karl found other ways to win when he mastered The Art of Video Gamesmanship, Pt. 2.