Alright, put on your mental armor, men. You’re about to undergo the most challenging ordeal of your day: staring at pictures of the most sensual woman alive. It won’t be easy. In all likelihood it will be very hard for a very long time. But we believe in you. You take up now the task of observing and recognizing that Emily Ratajkowski is a woman like none other before or since. History may not remember your name, but it shall surely mark hers thanks to your efforts.
Under your diligence she passes from “The Girl in the ‘Blurred Lines’ Video” to, for all time, The Emily Ratajkowski. You may not have noticed it the first dozen times, but there are actually five other people in that video, and three of them are the ones making the actual music. All of them are tertiary to the presence that is…goddaaaaaaaymn, we still can’t believe human beings like her exist.
If you succeed, you will be known only as the ghosts who have achieved one of America’s most significant successes. Know that you do this not for your personal glory but for hers. Your nation thanks you.
Here’s how hot Emily Ratajkowski is: that dude in the red shirt is almost a block away and she still turned his head. Also, another way to tell how gorgeous she is? Looking at her in the foreground of this picture.
Boys make passes at girls who wear glasses. Ratajkowski hashtagged this picture #intellectualfriday but if you’re going by her recent GQ interview, they’re all intellectual Fridays, and the other six days of the week, too. (Six plus one is seven, right? Yes? Whew. Sorry, we have to check the math because we don’t have glasses or Emily Ratajkowski’s brain.)
No. No, no, no, no, NO NONONO! This is intolerable. No woman should be this perfect to behold. Look at her there, all backlit, with eyes the size of moons but with twice as much gravity to draw you in. Lips that shouldn’t even exist, and then…well…gee. There’s a lot of woman in that lady.
You know you’re attractive when even your passport photos look better than most people’s wedding portraits. Seriously, we’ll offer you $20 for a bad photo of Ms. Ratajkowski looking awkward, because if such a thing even exists, its scarcity makes it rarer than titanium.
If there’s any balm for the soul in this gallery of gorgeousness, it’s that she understands your pain. Not even Emily Ratajkowski can keep her hands off Emily Ratajkowski.
Apparently for the Oscars, Ms. Ratajkowski turns into Audrey Hepburn.
We don’t know much about fashion, but Revolve Clothing does, and they feel the best look for our favorite model is a neckline that’s more of a navel line. And we know, somehow, with our unstyled, uneducated, grungy brains, that they are correct in that. Good job, Revolve Clothing!
See the olives? To her credit, that’s not an appletini, chocotini, or any other semblance of a martini discrediting the brand.
No sir, that’s real martini, which says a lot about her tastes. Namely, that they’re above anything we can put together. Hell’s bells, why do we have to be more Pete Campbell than Don Draper? We’re just spluttering and balding at our desk as time slips away and meanwhile here’s Emily Ratajkowski sitting there waiting for a charmer who drives his own brother to suicide.
…Mad Men is a really good show.
We can barely bear this bared breast. It’s just…no, it’s too much goodness. We did not know such light existed in the world. It’s…it’s more than the human heart should hold.
This may be the most sensual selfie ever taken. Like, if you could actually see the lingerie she’s wearing, somehow that would detract from the eroticism of this photo.
Ms. Ratajkowski reposted this one after violating the photo site’s rules regarding how much nipple can be shown (all of it forever, right? Wrong guess! It’s actually none ever).
Booo, Instagram, boooo! Who are you to dictate to the American public what they should or shouldn’t see? This is a strike against freedom! Against democracy! Against fappery! Against the right of adults to express themselves as they see fit, and other adults to take in that expression, possibly while inhaling smelling salts and playing Morrissey, which is the only way some adults can feel arousal, not that anyone should judge that because they don’t know where their own erotic travails will one day take them. DAMN YOU, INSTAGRAM, EMILY RATAJKOWSKI WAS GOING TO HEAL US OF THAT!!!1!!!!1!
And goodnight to you, woman of our dreams.
Brendan McGinley is editor round these parts when not writing comics or Cracked columns. You can say a neighborly hello to him on Twitter @BrendanMcGinley. You’d probably enjoy his supervillain comic Heist, if you’re a fan of tarnished souls and brutal retribution.
Brendan might not have set the world on fire with his appearance in a Robin Thicke video, but he did engage a flame-haired beauty in Siri-ous Conversation.