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The Time Traveler’s Guide to Partying Down

It's always time to party
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Ride the lightning down to party town.

Ride the lightning down to party town.

biosize Steve Wetherell
Steve Wetherell, sometimes known as Steve Stevenson for tax purposes,...
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The home computer. The Large Hadron Collider. The Real Girl. We sit upon a rising crest of technological innovation. Is it so ridiculous, then, to assume that a human being may one day travel through time? Probably, but I’m not a scientist, so I’m going to go ahead and say that time traveling jet packs will be available in the next five to seven years.

If that’s the case then think of all the age old questions mankind will finally be able to answer! How did the T-rex wipe its ass? What kind of shampoo did Jesus use? How would Cleopatra respond to the amorous attentions of a chubby, time-traveling internet writer?

Noble musings, every one, but the burning question in the heart of of a true Man Caver is surely this; where and when is the raddest place to party down?

In the interests of science, culture and embiggening the human spirit, we present to you the top five bachelor party locations of literally all time.

Cruise with the Vikings

Isn't this kind of how you feel after the fifth whiskey anyhow?

Isn’t this kind of how you feel after the fifth whiskey anyhow?

It’s common knowledge that when the boys go away together they get a bit rowdy, and this is a tradition that dates back to the times of merciless sea-faring marauders, the Vikings.

Sure, Vikings may have a bad rep in the loot and pillage department, but at the heart of their adventure was the desire to visit new lands, get wasted, and piss off the locals. In this respect they practically invented the Bachelor Party.

With a drinking horn full of ale considered the standard, and large drinking halls built specifically for you to get hammered and eat roasted meat in, a Viking’s good time was all about getting drunk, laughing raucously and attracting the wenches with your lustrous beard. And possibly being murdered by a Grendel.

On a side note, the traditional horned Viking helmet has been dismissed as a myth due to its impracticality for battle, but I think historians may be missing the point there. Vikings drink from horns, remember? The horned helmet was obviously a historical fore-runner to the beer cap.

WHAT IS THERE TO DRINK?

Drinking water was considered so unsafe at the time that even the children drank ale. So, this is probably one of the few time periods in history when keg standing is the healthy option.

PROS

Beer, beards and rowdiness more or less expected.

CONS

You may be drowned or dragged into a burning pit in the name of sport.

Get Excessive with the French Aristocracy

"Oh, you weren't born into the tiny minority of the privileged and so are starving to death while we tax you mercilessly? Here, let me play you a sad tune on this violin I took from a street urchin."

“Oh, you weren’t born into the tiny minority of the privileged and so are starving to death while we tax you mercilessly? Here, let me play you a sad tune on this violin I took from a street urchin.”

If you’re after a more classy experience than the Vikings can offer, may we suggest 18th century France as an alternative? At a time when inherited privilege had reduced the aristocracy to Donald Trump-like levels of social ignorance, you could expect parties so lavish and filled with excess that attending one would be the spiritual equivilent of shooting an orphan out of a cannon.

With this time period witnessing the birth of French cuisine there would certainly be some of history’s finest booze and food available, and with delicate rich gals squeezed into corsets until they morphed, 18th Century France is a must-see location for the man who likes to put on a wig, open a bottle of cognac and laugh at some poor people.

Just make sure you get out before some rightfully angry peasant drags you off to the guillotine.

WHAT IS THERE TO DRINK?

A fine bordeux or brandy; whatever you’re drinking just make sure it’s expensive, lest the nobility collectively screech and point at you like a mob of Donald Sutherlands in powdered wigs.

PROS

A historical crucible of music, food and sexy.

CONS

Angry peasants.

Get Naked with the Ancient Egyptians

The historically accurate picture was NSFW

The historically accurate picture was NSFW

There’s always that time in a bachelor party when some horndog suggests hitting a strip club, but why settle for endless replays of “Pour Some Sugar on Me” when you could be visiting ancient Egypt, arguably the word’s first strip club?

Known for their liberal attitudes toward female sexual expression, Egyptians were far more cool about public nudity than, say, Sea World, and female dancers almost always performed with as little clothing as possible. So if Chad can’t face a night out without screaming “Whoooo!” at a naked lady, ancient Egypt may be the destination of choice.

WHAT IS THERE TO DRINK?

The brewing and drinking of beer was considered sacred in ancient Egypt, proving that some things never change.

PROS

Everybody’s cool about the fact you already lost your shirt.

CONS

Angry hippos.

Argue with the Ancient Greeks

"This democracy you speak of sounds awful. I'll be sure not to invent it."

“This democracy you speak of sounds awful. I’ll be sure not to invent it.”

After the booze has been flowing for a while, and Gary reveals his controversial opinions about who would win in a fight between Sean Connery and Adam West, it’s not unusual for a bachelor party to take a brief detour into the realms of drunken philosophy. This being the case, why not travel back to the cradle of modern thought and pick a fight with an ancient Greek?

With the glugging of wine and spirited discourse being particularly synonymous with this time period, you’ll have no trouble at all finding a rowdy symposium, explaining to all present your political views, and then hitting someone with a chair while they’re still trying to figure out what a Tea Partier is.

Also, ancient Greece is the birth place of the kebab, which modern drunks will recognize as the perfect accompaniment to lager and misplaced optimism.

WHAT IS THERE TO DRINK?

The Greeks considered wine that was not heavily watered down to be fit only for barbarians, so it’s likely you’ll have to make do with history’s answer to miller light. Also, some people from this time period believed that drunkenness was caused by the spirit of the wine temporarily assuming control of the drinker, which gives you a cast-iron excuse when you’re caught peeing on a statue.

PROS

Togas!

CONS

Togas?

Jazz it up in ’20s America

You might be in with a chance if you could understand a word she was saying...

You might be in with a chance if you could understand a word she was saying…

Okay, you’ve drank, you’ve leered, you’ve argued, and now it’s time to dance. And where better to cut a rug than 1920s America, a time of snappy suits, legendary cocktails and more big band swing music than a sane man can handle?

Chicago for preference, where the liquor is cheap, the clubs are glitzy and you can wear a trilby without also being a terrible person. And let’s not forget the Flappers– as one of modern history’s less lauded sexual revolutions, it was a time for gals to embrace bold fashions, plucky attitudes and dance moves that looked like optical illusions to the untrained eye.

Still some years away from the ultimate party crash of the Great Depression, there’s never been a more romantized, iconic period of western history to get half seas over on the giggle water with a bunch of bearcats and cake eaters! Possibly.

WHAT IS THERE TO DRINK?

Drunkenness is the mother of invention, and thanks to the pesky g-men of the prohibition era cracking down on the hooch, booze was often cheap and nasty, leading to the rise of some of history’s greatest cocktails.

PROS

Manhattans, Clara Bow, being able to smoke a cigarette indoors without somebody accusing you of manslaughter.

CONS

Frankly indecipherable slang language.

Conclusion

You may have to wait a few years for your time machine, but in the here and now, remember that you are the final step in social evolution. All the drinks of history are yours to drink, all the foods yours to eat, and all the dances yours to dance. In looking back at the past through a rose-tinted browser, it’s easy to forget that the internet writers of the future may be looking back at your own time with a critical eye. Don’t you want to give them something to write about? Sure you can go out there and partake of the same old cheap booze, spoon-fed music and uninspired food choices of the average armchair hedonist, or you could try something new, something different, something excellent. If history teaches us anything, it is that a life lived well is timeless.


After years of study, Steve has been able to figure out how to move forwards through time simply by aging. Follow his adventures on Twitter or check him out at DeadPixel Publications.

While you’re in the mood for misadventure, don’t forget to Balance your Party for an Epic Night Out! And until you get to a time machine, that cure for baldness remains in the future. Strengthen your will to live in The Five Stages of Hair Loss.

We're going to start saying this to everyone who's sad regardless of circumstances.

We’re going to start saying this to everyone who’s sad regardless of circumstances.

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