Turtles: are they the greatest animal ever?

Why yes, yes they are. I don’t really know why I framed that in terms of a question, as there really isn’t another animal that even compares. Cats? Cats are the spawns of demons that have somehow nestled themselves into our homes and hearts. They have nine lives for a reason, it’s because people are constantly trying to vanquish their hell-bound souls. Dogs? Sure they are “man’s best friend,” but that’s because they are sexist bigots that hate women. Do you like tigers, or lions, maybe even dinosaurs? See how much you like them one on one. They’d tear your limbs asunder like wings at a mid-western Hooters during a Nascar race.

That kid’s nose is gonna get snapped off if he’s not careful.

Now a turtle, a turtle would never do that. Sure sometimes it might give you salmonella, or accidentally squash a bystander or two while battling Godzilla on the streets of Japan, but it would never intentionally hurt you. If it had the choice it would buy you cookies and tell you it loved you for who you are on the inside. And as if that weren’t enough, think about what else turtles have given us!

They’ve taught us that teenagers – AND those afflicted by nuclear mutations – can learn ninjitsu and be a force for good. They’ve taught us that slow and steady wins the race  (unless of course it is an actual timed foot race – in which case that policy is grossly inaccurate) and subsequently that rabbits are dicks. They’ve given us something to rhyme Yertle with, helped us wax our cars to a pristine shine, and taught us that sometimes the best defense is to just curl up and let the world come at you.

So let’s honor and appreciate our fine reptilian friend, and take some time to learn more about these wondrous creatures. On today — his day.

Turtles don’t have vocal chords

See, but these are MUTANT Turtles, so it’s okay.

True story. So every impassioned speech Leonardo gave about the merits of teamwork, loyalty, or friendship: really missed the mark with the crew. Or to put it more accurately, “it fell on deaf ears,” as turtles also don’t have an outer ear. They can hear vibrations though, and they can – mainly by forcing air in and out of their lungs – make noise. Although if Leonardo’s speeches went anything like this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XX1QgD-Jy18, he’d probably be better off just saying nothing.

Turtle baby’s sexes are determined by temperature

Some turtles are born Russian grandmothers.

And that may actually be a huge problem. Unlike human babies – whose sex is determined by which type of light beer the man used on his mate – turtle baby sex is determined by the temperature of incubation during an egg’s first trimester. If it’s hot, the turtle offspring will be a girl, if it’s cold – a boy. If it’s perfectly fair, the baby will be Ru Paul. Even though one would imagine this would lead to horrifically skewed gender splits, the equation tends to balance out for the most part. Or at least it did before the start of global warming. Scientists have begun to see a drop in males in certain species (because of hotter incubation temperatures) and fear that it may be very impactful for their future survival. Almost as impactful as looking up “turtle baby sexes” on your work computer. Whoops.

Turtle shells are part of their bodies (and not all are hard)

See, THIS kid knows how to handle the omnipotent turtle with caution.

So anytime someone tells you to “come out of your shell,” you can kindly tell them that it’s f@%#ing impossible. Turtle shells actually consist of around 60% of a turtle’s bones – including those of the ribcage and spine – and hard “scutes” (or scales) made out of fibrous keratin. The same stuff that makes up our nails and hair. There are some turtles though – most notably the leatherback turtle – who don’t have these scales. Instead they have a tough leathery skin (if only their name reflected it…) which extends over the aforementioned bone structure. Yes it has made them the laughing stock of the turtle community, but it’s key to the fact they are the fastest reptile on the planet, measuring speeds over 25 miles per hour in the water. A fact you were soon to find out in Fox’s summer blockbuster Tortoise vs. Hare 2: The Reckoning. “Because this time, slow and steady drowns.” Coming to a theater near you June 2015.

Turtles have mastered time and space

Use by December 13, 2207

Despite what the plot of TMNT 3 would have you believe, which shows that turtles have not perfected time travel (but that they have mastered racial insensitivity). Turtles just own time. For starters, they are almost physically unchanged in the last 200 million years. Fossil records indicate that the turtles that were chilling with the dinosaurs, are absurdly similar to the ones that currently chill out in rich rapper’s home aquariums. Well, minus the whole “having freedom” part. Turtles also live a ridiculously long time. The oldest turtle on record lived to be 188 years old. 188. He was born in 1777, and died in 1965. Out of boredom. 188 years. That’s the oldest human (an astounding 122, by the way) plus another 66 years. That’s nearly two centuries, almost three times the running time of Return of the King. Take that, Tolkien nerds.

No really, they do not die.

Both disapprove of everything you do.

Are turtles God? Did I miss something?

We need to figure out how to defeat these things immediately. Well, besides flipping them over. That would probably do it.

Pictured: Diving? (image via ABC.com)

Andrew Slafta is a “hopeful comedic writer” with an emphasis on the “dic.” He can be searched in the annals of Google, or insulted at Twitter via @andrewslafta.

Awww, piggie.

No no, not that trailer for GTA: V (although that does look like the cat’s meow). On March 6th, Blake Bills and Shayna Sykes led police through a Grand Theft Auto-style police chase, commandeering 2 cars and causing all sorts of a ruckus in Philadelphia along the way.

Now, although Bills and Sykes worked as a pair (in fact, Sykes continued the chase long after Bills had been apprehended) not only did he lead cops on what would have been a two-star chase around the City of Brotherly Love, but here at Man Cave, we couldn’t help but notice that he bore a striking resemblance to Grand Theft Auto IV anti-hero, Niko Bellic.

From a narrative perspective, it makes perfect sense. Where else would Niko go after his heartbreaking failure to realize the American (SPOILER ALERT!) Dream? Clearly, the place where it took root: Philadelphia–a true “Liberty City” if there ever was one. (Although we’re going to go ahead and assume in the GTA world it’s called Fraternity City.)

But instead, we figure this dude probably just has a video game doppelganger, right? So it got us to thinking: who else has a virtual bizarro? Here’s what we dug up:

Felix Baumgartner (In His Jump Suit) and Captain Falcon (F-Zero)

This is how Baumgartner gets out of bed.

Their space suits might not be a perfect match, but the similarities outweigh the differences in these two intrepid space heroes. For instance, Captain Falcon is the poster boy for the F-Zero franchise, where his lust for speed led him to become a legend in the intergalactic racing circuit. Formerly a member of the Internova Police Force, he loathes the spotlight, opting instead to win races and immediately retreat to his home base.

Felix Baumgartner, likewise in the obsessive pursuit of faster cosmic speeds, jumped from outer space onto the ground.

I’m going to repeat that, because that sentence holds all the the ambition and hope we are capable of as human beings.

Felix Baumgartner jumped from outer space, and landed A-OK.

Well aren’t we a jaunty lad?

And while he wasn’t a member of the Internova Police Force–what with it’s completely fictional existence and all–he was a member of the Austrian Military. And if that’s not all coincidental enough, check this out, you doubting naysayers: many of you know Captain Falcon for his iconic “Falcon Punch,” in which he socks the beans out of poor li’l ol Pikachu in the Smash Brothers franchise. Likewise, in 2012, Baumgartner was convicted of battery for punching a Greek truck driver right in his teeth. Because we don’t have any heroes anymore I’m going to pretend that that truck driver was berating a puppy or something.

And if you haven’t taken a moment to imagine Felix Baumgartner screaming “Felix-PUNCH!” and cold-cocking that guy, please do so now. I’ll wait.

…

Thank you.

Steve-O and Brucie Kibbutz (GTA IV)

Also, both are jackasses.

Ho boy. Here we go.

There are few personalities so grating to me as these two. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let me give you some context.

Brucie Kibbutz is a crazed “fitness enthusiast” who gives you missions in Grand Theft Auto IV. He’s wildly insecure, frequently jacked up on steroids (notably bull shark testosterone) and hires Niko for a number of assassinations due entirely to roid rage. He will oftentimes question Niko’s manhood and, ah, God, he’s just the type of irritating butthead to gratuitously toss around the “p” word (think: cat) both in terms of 1) his conquests and 2) insulting you. He’s the worst kind of a-hole, and he plays a major part of the game.

Then, we have Steve-O, the Jackass cast member who one time got arrested for stapling his scrotum to his leg. That’s not a joke.

Granted, Steve-O isn’t ‘roided up, but let’s not pretend he hasn’t spent much of his career with uppers, downers, poppers, beezers, clambakes, froggers, cronkites and yonkies screaming through his bloodstream. Not only that, but their mannerisms are similar, their mouths, their facial structure. I actually thought Brucie was modeled after Steve-O, but I can’t find any research to back it up. BLERGH. I can’t stand it.

The only good news is that it sounds like Brucie did some soul searching in a DLC installment of GTA: IV and might be on the road to redemption. Likewise, reports are optimistic that Steve-O has cleaned himself up. He owns a few rescue pups too! This is good news. Even if I find people irritating, I’m a sucker for a happy ending, and everyone deserves a shot at redemption.

Oh, also, Steve-O went to clown college in 1997. This feels like something you should know.

Rudy Eugene and the First Zombie from Resident Evil

Why did this even happen?

Not everyone will immediately recognize the name “Rudy Eugene,” so let me remind you he’s that wackadoo fella who was supposedly hopped up on bath salts but was not. He ate Ronald Poppo’s face in an incident known as the “Miami Cannibal Attack.” Hey. Please never do a Google Image search for this. Because I just saw a big plate of borscht with eyes and teeth staring back at me, and I’m not going to be able to shake that any time soon.

So anyway, when the cops found the face eater, Rudy Eugene, he was stripped naked and probably going after Poppo’s brains. After all, that’s what zombies do, right? Not surprisingly, the police were had to use lethal force shortly thereafter, mostly because they’ve seen zombie flicks. You gotta stop that business ASAP.

Eugene’s counterpart is not a famous zombie so much as a famous zombie encounter. Check out the first ever run in with a zed from Resident Evil, and tell me that that wasn’t exactly how it must have gone down in Miami.

“B-but, he–”

Yeah, yeah, I know. The goal of the article is for lookalikes, Rudy Eugene was plainly a living person and not a shambling corpse with shredded paper for skin. But I don’t know how this zombie looked prior to its zombification. Is Eugene a bizarro by virtue of his eating another person, above and beyond any physical resemblance, or does the neckbeard do away with any comparison? Is the video game industry accountable for not providing a diverse array of notable zombies across all races, creeds, religions, and sexual orientations? I honestly don’t know. What I do know is that this exchange just went down in my apartment:

Girlfriend: “Whatcha doing?”

Me: “Lookin’ for a picture of a black zombie from a video game!”

Girlfriend: “…I’m going to bed.”

So, you know.

Felix Baumgartner and Alistair (Dragon Age)

“Hang loose,” says the space-jumping Austrian stuntman in the razor-sharp expensive suit.

“But Brian!” you object, like you always, always do, “You just SAID Felix Baumgartner!” Cripes. Listen, the man jumped onto the planet Earth from outer space. He gets a free pass.

And not only for his heroics, either! Have you seen Felix Baumgartner when he’s not in his hero suit? He’s gotta be the most handsome Felix ever, right? I would do the research, but Google’s got enough on me as is. Anyway, unlocking Baumgartner’s hidden “Civilian” costume makes him look an awful lot like Alistair from Dragon Age: Origins. But the similarities aren’t just physical: without giving too much away, Dragon Age: Origins is one of those games where you, as the protagonist, can either be a shining example of humanity or a total bastard. But no matter what your choice is, Alistair’s moral compass always points directly to “Super Moral.” In fact, it’s later revealed that he’s the bastard son of the King, meaning he has a shot at the throne. However, Alistair–one of the great heroes in the game–expresses no wish to rule.

“Moderate dictatorships are the foundation of progress in fantasy kingdoms.”

Now, people naturally look to their heroes to be leaders in times of duress. So it’s no surprise that Baumgartner was asked if he would consider entering the realm of politics, because everything, everywhere is crappy right now. However, he, like Alistair, has shown reluctance, claiming “you can’t move anything in a democracy” and that he preferred a “moderate dictatorship” AUGH! He said that?? Holy crap! I–tell you what. Let’s ignore that. Like I said earlier, we’re kind of hurting for real life heroes right now. Especially space-jumpin’ ones.

So there you have it: life imitating art imitating life and back again. Got any better examples? Hit us up in the comments below.

…makes Drew stronger.

Brian Cullen is nonplussed that there aren’t more famous plumbers out there. Follow him on twitter @bucketcullen.

It’s a pun.

Brian found more cartoonishly talented powerhouses in Athletes Who Improved After an Injury and Axe to Face. Or hey, enjoy a lot more video game shenanigans.

Everyone knows that having muscles is a surefire way to get the ladies (definitely don’t try to get smart). When I go to the gym I see guys doing all of the wrong moves on the wrong equipment. Either they don’t understand how to properly lift heavy things or they just enjoy looking dumb (refer to sentence above). The amount of weight a man can lift in the gym is directly proportional to the size of his wiener, which is why I am actually starting a charity donating 10% of my junk to those who have so little. If you follow this guide your wiener will be just as big and you’ll be able to show off your sexy-ass muscles to the rest of the world (you’ll really only be impressing the other dudes in the gym). So let me be your personal trainer, just like your mom, you can find comfort getting spotted under these pecs.

BUY WORKOUT CLOTHES!

This is just a necessary step. How are you supposed to lift weights or run when you don’t have proper clothing? Drop a grand, make it rain on Dick’s (wait, what?), buy Under Armor because your skin is weak and soft (You ever see Usain Bolt in a plain tee?). Buy shirts with no sleeves. The most important is footwear. People weren’t even able to run before Nike made proper running shoes and that’s a fact I just made up, just like that. If you don’t spend at least a few hundred dollars on work out clothes you’re never going to get anywhere. Buy a water bottle; buy Northface jackets, and hopefully a shirt that has some sort of gym logo on it. This will only increase what your muscles can do. It’s like science (only it’s not all mathematical and stuff).

NEVER DO LEGS!

Most people want to do that “whole body” work out thing (like in the magazines). Well that’s for scrubs and chodes. Hit the gym and bench press all day. All you want to do is have a good upper body because unless you’re rocking short shorts no one is going to care about your thighs. Grab some free weights and head near the giant mirror so you can watch those muscles contract. Never do legs unless you’re going to do squats and if you do squats make sure you never go fully down because range of motion doesn’t matter. (If you are afraid of injury, why’d you even come here?)

YELL YOUR HEAD OFF

If you’re new to the gym scene there is no better way to show people you mean business than yelling your dome off while moving heavy things. After every rep grunt and yell at your muscles like they just stole your girlfriend. This will immediately make people take your workout seriously. Swear and cause a scene, the goal is to make everyone turn at look at you and your manly brilliance as you move plates to your will giving the finger to gravity. When you are done with your set throw the weights from whatever position you were using them in. Just drop them to the floor because you are not a part of their system. People will know you are too buff to possibly sit up and set the weights down gently. You have so much strength-rage you just gotta throw some stuff.

DON’T WIPE OFF EQUIPMENT!

Only newbies wipe the equipment off after they are done with it. Let the other gym members get covered in the nectar that is your sweat. Ringworm is really “in” this year, so hopefully there are other dudes doing this at the gym as well. Men don’t clean, so why should you be expected to go and get a paper towel with some Mr. Clean on it? That name doesn’t even make sense, live in filth, it’s just the flavoring of life.

DRINK PROTEIN!

Dietary needs are really half of the battle in every workout routine. You gotta eat clean meals loaded with protein (mix in doses of Mt. Dew). You can get protein from milk, protein shakes, peanut butter, semen; whatever floats your boat big guy. Protein is what your body needs to repair the muscles you just destroyed by throwing weights around the gym, so without it you’re just going to hurt yourself. Remember to always use a giant bottle for your protein shake and while your chugging the protein shake eat a protein bar. When you’re not using protein powder eat chicken breasts. Every day is chicken breast day. Go easy on the carbs, you’d be surprised at how few you need (mix in doses of Mt. Dew). After you have followed these couple steps, you’ll be on your way to throwing tons of plates around in no time. This is just a beginner guide, there are plenty more out there. Just go to the store and look for the magazines with naked men on them.

“This’ll teach em!”

Josh Hrala also writes for Cracked.com and his work can be found here. He wants to be your BFF on Facebook, and can be emailed hate mail at joshhrala@gmail.com. 

“Must…love cats…who have four teeth…and liver problems…resulting in never-ending diarrhea.”

Josh also taught you How to Screw Over the Living from Beyond the Grave, and How to Find Love at Too-Specific Dating Sites.

I recently sat down with YouTube celebrity Tyler Oakley, who you may have seen introducing Beyonce for Pepsi during the Super Bowl Halftime Show this year. We discussed prom, One Direction, and, of course, the disturbing animated gif files I send him.

1. You’re known as the #1 One Direction fan. Why should I also become a Directioner? Is that what’s it’s called? Is this a gang I’m joining??

You should become a Directioner because it’s like being in the absolute best tween whirlwind of delusion and fantasy. We cry at the sight of a cute teenage British boy holding a puppy. You probably do that already. That basically means that you’re already a Directioner and you don’t even know it. And yes, it is a gang. You should see what happens when Beliebers try to come for a 1D fan.

2. You’re stranded on a deserted island and the only music you have is Green Day’s newer stuff. How do you kill yourself?

I haven’t heard Green Day’s newer stuff! Is this a thing I should be aware that the internet hates, and, therefore, should hate too? I feel so uncool right now. I’m still on the Nickelback-hating bandwagon. Wait, do we still hate Nickelback? Wait. What was the question?

3. If you could go to prom again who would be your date and what would you guys do?

I am actually so good at prom. I went all four years of high school (being a boy in Drama Club made me very marketable, the ratio of guys to girls was about 1 for every five – I had my pick when it came to dances). If I could go for a fifth time, I’d probably go with Darren Criss, and we would just have a fun night dancing all night. I remember being so nervous about dancing in high school, but nowadays, I have found my signature moves. I feel like Darren and I could really cut a rug on the dance floor, and immediately get kicked off for being too old, having been found out solely because I used the phrase cut a rug.

4. Sometimes people will say things so terrible to me on the internet that it goes beyond offensive and I actually find it funny. What’s the best thing anyone has tried to insult you with on the internet?

There are entire blogs dedicated to exposing how terrible of a person I am. It’s great promo. The worst/funniest thing someone has ever said to me as an insult was, “Tyler Oakley’s voice is how comic sans sounds” — that’s beautiful. That’s basically poetic.

5. In one of your videos you ate an absurd amount of McDonald’s chicken nuggets. What’s your theory on what those nuggets are actually made of?

I don’t know what they’re made of, but I find it to be no coincidence that in the 20-minute time constraint, I ate 42, which also happens to be the meaning of life. You jump to your own conclusions.

6. If you were one of the actors from Lord of the Rings who portrayed a hobbit, would you try to keep the prosthetic feet? Explain your answer.

I would keep the prosthetic feet because I’m very into being the most dedicated person to themed dress-up parties. I guarantee there will come a time when I need oversized hairy feet for a costume… and I will be ready. I will always be ready.

7. Top 5 movies of all time. You don’t have to show off or try to impress, this is a safe place.

In no particular order: 500 Days of Summer, Mean Girls, Milk, Scream 4, Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat (Donny Osmond version).

8. Describe the last three pictures messages you’ve received on your phone if you can do that legally.

The first is a GIF of an obese African-American woman taking her top off. The second is a picture of one of my nephews. The third can’t be described legally.

9. What’s the coolest thing you’ve gotten the opportunity to do since becoming an internet star?

I get to do a lot of really, really amazing things, from red carpet interviews to attending events like SXSW, the VMAs or the Superbowl. The coooooolest thing I’ve ever done happens twice every year: going to YouTube conventions and meeting the people that watch. It boggles my mind when someone can come up to me and rattle off a million things about hundreds of my videos from years ago that I have no recollection even doing/talking about. My people are amazing and committed and have been with me for years. Getting to meet them is always an amazing experience.

10. What’s your favorite thing about me?

How sexy you look with your hair pushed back.

If you’re one of the ten people who don’t already follow Tyler on some form of social media, here are his links:

• YouTube
• Twitter
• Tumblr
• Facebook

This photo is clearly touched up–where’s all the bacon?

Rob Fee is a writer and comedian best known for writing and telling jokes. You can follow him onTwitter @RobFee to read more of these jokes or go to Del Taco. He’s probably there.

She’s actually quite nice if you’re not a soulless celebrity monster.

Rob previously partied with YouTube stars Epic Meal Time, and Twitter firebrand Jenny Johnson.

When you first look at Geno Bisconte you might think, quiet, standoffish, blazer-wearing Brooklynite. If you think that, you’re absolutely wrong. Well, he does live in Brooklyn, and he does wear blazers when he perform, but hell-to-the-naw he’s not quiet. I met Geno Bisconte a few weeks ago when we shared satellite radio airwaves together. I assumed I was going to be the funniest person on the mic that evening, because I have really high self-esteem, and that’s what the f*** I’m supposed to think…I digress. However, there was Geno Bisconte being very quick and witty. I thought, “Who the hell is this guy?”

I would soon learn that I was trading barbs with Mr. “Slash and Burn” a nickname given to Geno by the New York Post for his intense style of comedy. At that very moment I wanted us to be friends, as my edgy, racy, no holds barred comedy appetite was awakened. As soon as we broke for commercial, I was pretty much interviewing Geno on the spot, where I learned that he and I were going to be at the same event the next day. We both planned on attending the Dennis Rodman roast in NYC, except I was going to be apart of the audience, and Geno was among the list of comedians to roast The Worm.

A week after the Dennis Rodman roast I was able to sit down with Geno to ask the question that was burning in this Chicago Bulls fan:

Chalaire: Geno, how the hell did you land the gig to roast Dennis Rodman?

Geno Bisconte: I can give you the f***** up version that will get me in a lot of trouble, or I can give you the nice version.

Chalaire: I’m going to be respectful to the readers and ask for the f***** up version that will get you in a lot of trouble.

Geno Bisconte: (laughs) it was a contest called “So You Think You Can Roast.” I didn’t win the original contest due to bulls***, but I eventually booked a couple of roasts after that. It was a great opportunity, and I thank the Friars Club. That’s the f***ing nice version.

Chalaire: Please explain how the NY Post came to label you as the “Slash and Burn” comedian?

Geno Bisconte: I was hosting a show at Carolines and Kanye West was in the audience so I said, “you don’t hit women, and you don’t hit them hard, because if you hit them too hard they lose the lesson.” The crowd started booing, and I said calm down, it’s Kanye West , not Chris Brown. The next day the NY Post wrote about the event, calling me “Slash and Burn” comedian, and I love that story.

Chalaire: You’re pretty edgy. Do you find yourself catching a lot of flack because of your comedy style?

Geno Bisconte: I hate people who try to take laughter from someone else. I wrote a joke for Steve-O during the Charlie Sheen Comedy Central Roast. It was about the Whitesnake concertgoers who died in that fire years ago. The father of one of the dead concert goers tried to get my joke banned, and later bragged that he got my joke banned.

Chalaire: Is there a trophy for getting jokes banned?

Geno Bisconte: Here’s the thing, I’m glad he got the joke banned because it brought his kid back to life (laughs). It didn’t, his kid is f***ing dead. I checked and his kid is still dead, and he took laughter and joy from people who are still alive. When you write jokes, especially roast jokes it’s not to be taken personal. It’s about rocking the deaus.

Geno Bisconte: (grabs phone) Hold on, my girl is asking me where I am…I’m like with a hot black chick.

Chalaire: Yeah, take that girlfriend. So how did you get on The Artie Lange Show?

Geno Bisconte: Artie & Bob Levy used to tour together, and I’m good friends with Bob Levy. When Bob would tour he would put me on a few of his shows.

Chalaire: You have to make that a permanent gig, because Artie will be around. He can’t beat showbiz off with a stick.

Geno Bisconte: (laughs) Great line. Some of the best press I ever got was when Artie Lange first recovered and came back to comedy, and he popped up at The Comedy Celler. I bumped into him and Craig Gast, and a picture went up on a Artie fan page. The caption read: Artie Lange, Craig Gast, and some other guy. Isn’t that great? The comments said “That other guy is Geno Bisconte, and he’s funnier than both of them.”

Chalaire: You had such great stuff going on now that I didn’t get a chance to ask you, how did you get started in comedy?

Geno Bisconte: I never thought I could be funny on purpose, but a girl whose body they will never find, signed me up for an open mic night, and I’ve been at it ever since.

Chalaire: Where are you from, and how’s the comedy scene in your home town?

Geno Bisconte: I grew up outside of Philly. I was a good comedian in Philly, which shows you how much the comedy scene sucks there.

Chalaire: You’re from Philly, and your name is Geno, let’s solve the debate here and now…Best cheesesteaks, Pat’s or Geno’s?

Geno Bisconte: My name is Geno and I don’t give a f***. Any cheesesteak place in Philly is better than NYC. Do you want to know how I know that?…I’ve eaten cheesesteak from a gas station in Philly

Chalaire: Who influenced you?

Geno Bisconte: My parents are older, so I grew up watching Don Rickles, as you can probably see in my act. However, my main influences didn’t start until I started performing. I was never that kid that wanted to be a comedian. Someone talked me into it when I was older, so my influences are people I now travel with, like Jim Norton, Bob Levy, and Dave Attell. I do like Nikki Glaser and Amy Schumer. Amy writes her own s**t and she gets it.

Chalaire: What would be your idea gig?

Geno Bisconte: I’m great on the radio. I have never been a person who wanted to be Letterman. I’m great on the radio and that’s what I want, my own radio show. So, maybe I can come back here and hang out with you until I get a radio show (laughs).

A regular on The Artie Lange Show, Geno recently roasted Ricky Schroder Dennis Rodman, and you can catch him at the upcoming roast of Jack Black! He hates Twitter because his thing is radio, but here you go @genobisconte. Don’t forget to check out Geno’s website.

Chalaire Miller has contributed to Us Weekly, E! Fashion Police, and is an improv artist, stand-up comedian, writer, comedy blogger.and s***-talker to the stars! You can provoke her s***-talking on Twitter @laire or check out That’s What She Said.

We like our comedians like we like our coffee: dark and bitter.

She’s Lunderful.

Check out the time we helped Doug Stanhope microwave some beef stroganoff, or gave Amanda Lund the best interview of her life.

There’s this crazy misconception about NFL cheerleaders – that they’re stupid, only in it to date players, don’t have “real” jobs, don’t know jack about the actual sport they’re cheering for… the list goes on and on. But it’s a pretty ignorant list if you’ve met 99% of these gals that suit up on NFL Sunday (which now also includes Mondays, Thursdays, and Saturdays) to dance and cheer and hair flip for everyone’s enjoyment.

Meet Morgan, or Moe as everyone calls her, of the Houston Texans Cheerleading (HTC) Squad. Taking her spot in the red, white and blue glorious lineup for her fourth straight year, Moe is no rookie when it comes to dancing in front of 70,000 screaming fans inside Reliant or to the sport she’s loved since she was a child. (That’s Battle Red, Liberty White, and Deep Steel Blue to be exact for you Texans fans.)

Originally from Austin, TX, Moe has led quite the exciting lifestyle, becoming a backup dancer for big country stars like Big and Rich and Trace Adkins. Moe happily calls Houston home now and spends her days as a Business Development Representative for a prominent Orthopedic Group in the Texas Medical Center while her nights and weekends are spent proudly representing the Houston Texans.

You are the awesomest, Moe.

The HTC is known around the league as the squad with a more hip-hop approach than most of the others, thanks to Coach Alto, and Moe fits that mold perfectly. “I like the style that Coach Alto puts in. We’re a little more hip-hop, and that’s my strong suit. Obviously I backup danced for country stars so the little bit of hillbilly we add to it fits me just fine too,” Moe jokes.

We all know the simple truth that everything is bigger in Texas, and cheering is certainly no different. “Dancing in front of 70,000 people, you have to be huge,” Moe explains. “Your personality has to show – every facial expression counts. I have to exaggerate all my moves – my smiles, my walks, everything. People can spot me out from a ton of rows up. They aren’t dancers critiquing you, they want to see you’re enjoying the game.”

But being an NFL cheerleader isn’t all glitter and pillow fights. “We work hard. We do a minimum of 40 appearances a year, and you have to maintain a full-time job or be a full-time student. We have practices 3 days a week, but you have to practice before practice. Practice isn’t for learning; you’re supposed to already know it. We learn four new dances for every game plus 12 sidelines plus 10 fillers. Then there are the workouts…” as she trails off. Clearly it’s exhausting just talking about all the hard work that goes into this passion of hers.

Moe was voted Rookie of the Year in 2011, Most Spirited in 2012 and voted the cheerleader to represent her team at the Pro Bowl in 2012. The internet has also dubbed the blonde bombshell as one of the most photographed cheerleaders in the league. And it’s easy to understand why Moe flashes her pearly whites so often. The girl is happy with her life all around and thankful for where she is. She doesn’t take a single day for granted, especially her numbered days in that coveted HTC uniform. “You only get to put your Superman suit on for so long – that’s what my cheerleading outfit is, and then I go back to being a normal person. Football players are somebody years down the road, but cheerleaders, we come and go. Maybe that’s why we’re always smiling,” she says.

Pep, moxie, zip! This dame’s got it all.

Enough with words! Sometimes pictures are all you really need, especially with cheerleaders, so here’s a gallery of the lovely Moe.

You can follow Morgan on Twitter and LIKE her page on FB.

And be sure to follow @TexansCheer on Twitter – this group of social media hotties has more followers than 13 NFL teams, 19 MLB (including their hometown Houston Astros), 19 NHL, 19 NBA and 20 MLS teams. Clearly these gals are doing many things right. (Stat via Matt from the Everything NFL Cheerleaders account on Twitter @NFLCheerRT.)

What does a 320-lb. DT drive? Anything he darn well wants.

And they were never seen again…for four days. Then they were on CNN in an endless 20-minute loop.

Times are tough and money is short for many. Screw it. I’ll drop the pretense. Times are tough for me. I exist in a constant state of broke. What doesn’t help is my girlfriend. She doesn’t blow my money on crap; this isn’t that kind of thing. When you’re in a committed relationship there’s a baseline amount of money that must be spent to not be seen as a boring cheapskate. You have to walk that fine line between giving yourselves a good time and hoarding every penny like they’ll be the closest thing to real food available after the apocalypse.

That’s what this article is about. In here you’ll find a few tips on how to treat your girlfriend right, based off of my personal experience.

Make Eating-in Sound Fun

Going out to eat with a girlfriend who understands your situation but also wants to be wined and dined like any normal person is a tricky prospect. On the one hand, you want to have a nice night out where you try new things and go to new places. On the other hand, no; let’s eat these pudding cups my aunt who works at the grocery store salvaged from the dumpster. There is a way to have a nice meal with your girlfriend while not going crazy with money. In fact, there’s probably a bunch, but I only know of one. I know how to cook and my girlfriend doesn’t. So instead of a date night, we have a night where we make a dirt cheap meal together. She chips in a little, I chip in a little; we both get a meal, and even if it doesn’t actually taste better than a restaurant meal it’s better because this meal is ours. We made it. It’s like a baby you can eat.

“Honey, what do you say we put down the knife tonight?”

It’s the corniest thing in the world, but when we’re in the kitchen and I’m sweating my ass off trying to get this meal together and she’s looking at a cheese grater like it’s a broken piece of an alien spacecraft, I pretend I’m the host of a cooking show and she’s the camera. I narrate every excruciating, mundane detail of the process while constantly testing out the worst catch phrases my mind can conjure. Basically, I pretend I’m Guy Fieri if Guy Fieri ever tried to turn the words “pulverized chicken ****” into a catchphrase.

It’s remarkably stupid.

It works.

It’s a memorable time and inevitably she offers to help; she can’t get that level of stupid at a restaurant.

Can’t Afford A Gift? Get Clever

Brother, don’t marry a gal who’s already wearing mom jeans.

About a year ago, my girlfriend and I went to Universal Studio’s Islands of Adventure. We agreed to split the cost of everything. If she spent a few bucks on some hot dogs and cotton candy at the start of the day, I would pick up the next meal, whatever it was. I had a wallet filled with cash and the plan was flawless.

Along the way, I was pulled over and handed a $250 speeding ticket, wrecking any chances of being a big spender for the weekend. $250 might as well have been $10 million. Any amount above maybe $8.50 and I would have considered it an astronomical sum that only Lords and Dukes can part ways with without remorse.

She barred me from spending a dime for the remainder of the weekend, mostly to save herself from having to see my pained expression every time I pulled out my wallet. Once in the park, everywhere I looked I saw cartoonish, googly-eyed trinkets I wanted to plop down a wad of cash for and use to make my girl’s day. I had to live with the fact that it wasn’t going to happen.

And then I got creative.

While walking through one of the transitional segments between the park’s world hubs (Jurassic Park, Harry Potter, the one with the comic strip characters who modern kids probably don’t recognize, etc.) we came across a small carnival game booth. Play a game, win a prize; that sort of thing. For the life of me, I can’t remember what the game was, but I convinced my girlfriend to let me spend two bucks so she could unleash her highly competitive nature. The prize was a plush and stuffed colorful toy thing that the winner got to choose from the vast catalogue of plush and stuffed colorful toy things the game worker guarded like it was a cache of plutonium. I gave the game my all, for about eight-seconds. I threw the match. By talking my girlfriend into letting me spend a couple bucks on the carnival game and then purposefully losing the game, I was able to get her the cheapest keepsake in the entire park, and she walked away with the satisfaction that only comes with being the victor.

She wouldn’t let me pay for a damn thing for the next 48-hours, but as far as I was concerned, given the terrible financial circumstances, I was proud that I was able to provide my girlfriend with a tangible memento of our first trip together. It was a hat in the shape of a blue squid, with testicles hanging down across the face. It had googly eyes.

No Money Fun

You’re not going to be doing a lot of clubbing or bar hopping when the numerical value of all the money you have in the world doesn’t even surpass your age. The alternative is sitting around all day watching TV or reading books or, you know, looking at each other and talking, which is wonderful but if you’re not experiencing anything together those conversations will quickly turn into long silences punctuated with an occasional “Hey, are you mad at me?”

“You sssshould know better than to assssk that quesssstion.”

You’ve got to do stuff, and for the sake of your bank account you’d better hope that stuff is as close to free as possible. This provides a great opportunity to explore the parts of your city neither of you have ever seen before. In lieu of a date, my girlfriend and I drove to a beautiful park tucked away in a rich neighborhood. We got some fresh air, some sun, we made fun of rich people to make me feel better, and within minutes I was having a very real panic attack because every trail we walked was loaded with the kind of spiders that if you saw them with a movie would be accompanied by the spine-tingling sound of an orchestra plucking their strings out of sync. It was nothing but wall-to-wall Sam Rami-style extreme pan-ins on clusters of fist-sized demons. As you can tell, I want all spiders to die and then s**t themselves and then die again, but this time screaming about how they’ve wasted their lives sitting on string waiting for food. My girlfriend doesn’t mind spiders and absolutely loves it when I’m on the brink of tears because THE SPIDERS ARE CLOSING IN.

I didn’t plan that moment. I didn’t go to my local spider dealer and order three boxes of their most expensive spiders and then apply for a permit from the city to place these opulent horrors along the exact path we were going to walk. I simply took my girlfriend to a park and I nearly s**t myself and fainted and almost got hit by a car at one point because getting mangled by a rolling battering ram made of steel and cup holders is a better fate than being alive near spiders. That was months ago and my girlfriend still brings it up. The Islands of Adventure trip doesn’t come up much but she’ll occasionally send me pictures of her wearing the silly squid hat she “won.” Sometimes she’s wearing clothes in the pictures! There was once a time when she didn’t want to hang around the kitchen when I cooked. Now she doesn’t leave and it’s annoying sometimes because she doesn’t know where anything is/goes and she can’t chop, slice, dice, mince, or julienne for s**t, but it’s an experience we’re both sharing and, damnit, that’s fantastic.

Hobo’s no go, yo.

Luis Prada’s work can be found on Cracked, FunnyCrave, The Smoking Jacket, and GuySpeed. If you visit his Tumblr page, The Devil Wears Me, he will give you a non-refundable virtual hug.

We can’t guarantee you’ll get RJD2 to soundtrack it, though.

For more reassurance about dating on a budget, read The Frugal Model‘s Guide to Impressing a Woman (without Going Broke or Looking Cheap). Or practice your seduction moves on a budget with Make Your Own Vague “On The Next Mad Men” Promo.

For the two of you who don’t yet know, Game of Thrones isn’t a sitcom. Or a romantic comedy. Or the kind of show that lets you sit back and tune out.  HBO’s gaggle of characters make this epic fantasy into engaging and compelling TV. But it’s got dragons and undead frost monsters, so it’s hard to swallow. Wash it down easier with a Game of Thrones Belgian-style brew. Who’s the Belgian brewery with the stones to produce one? New York-based Brewery Ommegang, is who.

We sat down with Brewmaster Phil Leinhart to get the skinny. But mostly so we could take the cork off their latest creation, Iron Throne Blonde Ale.

Brewmaster Phil Leinhart has the job we all want. (courtesy of Phil Leinhart/Ommegang)

Man Cave Daily
How does someone become a Brewmaster?

Phil Leinhart
I started my career in 1987 with the Manhattan Brewing Company in New York and then went to Boston before going to Germany to work/study there. I worked with The Lion Brewery in Pennsylvania and then for Anheuser-Busch in Newark, New Jersey. I met the original owners of the brewery and came on as the Director of Production in 2007 before attaining the title of Brewmaster (in 2008)

Man Cave Daily
What is it about working for a small brewery like Ommegang that is appealing?

Phil Leinhart
A small brewery offers the opportunity to be more creative. Also the feel is different in a small brewery…more hands-on. That said, working for Anheuser-Busch was a very gratifying experience. There is a lot of expertise and experience in a company like that and I learned a great deal there.

Man Cave Daily
So what does a Brewmaster do?

Phil Leinhart
I would say the primary responsibility of a Brewmaster is the taste of the beer. Included in that is, of course, tasting as well as reviewing lab data and making process changes as needed (continuous improvement). I am also involved in the “Big Picture” (Capital Projects, Financials, etc.).

Man Cave Daily
So it all comes down to your taste buds?

Phil Leinhart
Not entirely, because analytics are important tools that play a part. But there’s nothing as sensitive as the human palate so a great deal of what makes the brew “right” relies on taste and experience to point me in the right direction.

A beer fit for a King. Or Queen. Or a Noble. Or pretty much anyone. (credit: Ommegang)

Man Cave Daily
How did Ommegang get involved with Game of Thrones?

Phil Leinhart
Ommegang was contacted by HBO — turns out that HBO guys frequent a Belgian cafe bar where our beers are well represented called BXL in Times Square. Ommegang’s imagery has a European, medieval imagery which matches up well with the show’s icons and symbolism.

Man Cave Daily
What are the theme beers that will be produced?

Phil Leinhart
Ommegang will be producing a total of four beers: two to be released this year and two for 2014. They’ll be available in the major metropolitan areas such as New York, Boston and San Francisco.

Man Cave Daily
The first beer, Iron Throne Blonde Ale, is available now. What can you tell us about it?

Play it safe by drinking in Queen Cersei Lannister with your eyes from a distance. (credit: HBO)

Phil Leinhart
The beer was formulated with Queen Cersei Lannister in mind. She’s very fair, blonde and beautiful and seemingly sweet — but pure evil inside. So the beer is also fair in color and a little sweet from honey malt. But we also added in lemon peel to make it tart and give it a “bite” and added more hops to amp up the bitterness.

Man Cave Daily
How long did it take before you were happy with the taste of the beer?

Phil Leinhart
It took about half a year: three or four test batches. There were also some minor tweaks to get the balance of the hops and spices to where we wanted them. We also kept in mind that a lot of people — fans of the show, for example, may be tasting one of our beers for the first time and we didn’t want to clobber them with something very big and complex. We wanted the beer to be accessible.

Man Cave Daily
Are you pleased with how people are responding to Iron Throne Blonde Ale?

Phil Leinhart
Iron Throne Blonde Ale was released in March and the response has been overwhelmingly positive. It’s good to drink anytime of course, but it really tastes great while watching the show.

Is this Elysium?

We deserve the Congressional Medal of Self-Restraint for not writing a 55-minute Daenerys love scene.