Watching the Football Game v. Watching the Presidential Debate

It’s that strange time of every fourth year when you have to make the decision… to watch Monday night Football or the Monday Night Presidential debate. Sure you care about your team making it to the Super Bowl, but maybe you care about the future of America even more. If you’re still undecided on what to watch, maybe this will help solve that problem.

The Game

The Debate

You do 100 push-ups, chug two beers, go outside and pee on a tree. Establish your dominance.	30 Minutes Before	You take 100 deep breaths, read a Deepak Chopra excerpt online, clear your mind. Don't worry, the country only has a 50/50 chance of going down the drain come November.
Your team isn't playing but you're rooting for the team you hate the least out of the two.	Your Guys	Your homeboy Newt didn't make it this far, but you can see past Romney's flaws, including driving around with his dog on the roof of his car, just tonight though.
Invite only friends who root for your team. You win together, you lose together.	Guests	Invite only friends who agree with your belief systems, everything from gay rights to gun control. If you invite the wrong people, friendships will be destroyed.
Tweet during the commercial breaks only, check in with your buddies, if you take your eyes off the game, even for one second, it's bad luck and your team will lose.	Live Tweeting	Tweet your thoughts and opinions on every word, sentence, look, during the debate. Commercial breaks are for breathing exercises.
When the ref throws a flag against your team, you get apoplectic and you need to probably visit an anger management class...where is this coming from?	Rule Enforcers	When the moderator isn't giving your candidate the proper treatment, you just sit on the couch, cross your arms and shake your head. That will teach them!
Chips, salsa, wings, pizza, beer. Duh. You're an animal.	Snacks	Cheese platter, bowl of olives, wine. You're an adult. Duh.
You wear your team colors and lucky socks, you're even wearing your favorite player's jersey with his name on the back. Man-crush, much?	Your Outfit	You're wearing all blue cause you're a democrat, or all red cause you're a republican. This image is so disturbing, don't even get me started.
There's a few close-up crowd shots, people cheering... whoa!! Who's that hot blonde in the stadium cheering for my team?! I'd totally hit that.	Audience	There's a few close-up audience shots... wait... were all the attractive people busy tonight or something? Good looking people aren't interested in politics? This just doesn't make sense.
If your team wins, you're definitely getting laid. If they lose, you're definitely getting sympathy laid.	Outcome	If your guy wins, you watch hours of political analysts break it down, and you won't have sex because all you can picture is the opponent. If he loses, you flip between AC360, Rachael Maddow, and Fox News coverage. You have no boner. Not tonight. America is screwed.

You do 100 push-ups, chug two beers, go outside and pee on a tree. Establish your dominance.

30 Minutes Before

You take 100 deep breaths, read a Deepak Chopra excerpt online, clear your mind. Don't worry, the country only has a 50/50 chance of going down the drain come November.

Your team isn't playing but you're rooting for the team you hate the least out of the two.

Your Guys

Your homeboy Newt didn't make it this far, but you can see past Romney's flaws, including driving around with his dog on the roof of his car, just tonight though.

Invite only friends who root for your team. You win together, you lose together.

Guests

Invite only friends who agree with your belief systems, everything from gay rights to gun control. If you invite the wrong people, friendships will be destroyed.

Tweet during the commercial breaks only, check in with your buddies, if you take your eyes off the game, even for one second, it's bad luck and your team will lose.

Live Tweeting

Tweet your thoughts and opinions on every word, sentence, look, during the debate. Commercial breaks are for breathing exercises.

When the ref throws a flag against your team, you get apoplectic and you need to probably visit an anger management class...where is this coming from?

Rule Enforcers

When the moderator isn't giving your candidate the proper treatment, you just sit on the couch, cross your arms and shake your head. That will teach them!

Chips, salsa, wings, pizza, beer. Duh. You're an animal.

Snacks

Cheese platter, bowl of olives, wine. You're an adult. Duh.

You wear your team colors and lucky socks, you're even wearing your favorite player's jersey with his name on the back. Man-crush, much?

Your Outfit

You're wearing all blue cause you're a democrat, or all red cause you're a republican. This image is so disturbing, don't even get me started.

There's a few close-up crowd shots, people cheering... whoa!! Who's that hot blonde in the stadium cheering for my team?! I'd totally hit that.

Audience

There's a few close-up audience shots... wait... were all the attractive people busy tonight or something? Good looking people aren't interested in politics? This just doesn't make sense.

If your team wins, you're definitely getting laid. If they lose, you're definitely getting sympathy laid.

Outcome

If your guy wins, you watch hours of political analysts break it down, and you won't have sex because all you can picture is the opponent. If he loses, you flip between AC360, Rachael Maddow, and Fox News coverage. You have no boner. Not tonight. America is screwed.

The winner is

The Game

5 out of 9

The winner is Football. As tough of a sport as it is, the real injuries are suffered in the political arena.

More Tales of the tape

Houston Texans vs. FNL’s Dillon Panthers
The Houston Texans are 5-0, trying to ride the metaphorical undefeated bull as long as they can and become Texas’s favorite team. But Texas and football are a match made in heaven for high schools, [...]

See all Tales of the Tape